Is he settling a score?

RELATIONSHIPS   DATING  MARRIAGE

There is a guy I rejected for three years when I was at university and I treated him so badly. Later, I accepted him and we have dated for two years.

He has been so supportive, but recently, he told me to move on if I wanted.

He said he does not know whether he will marry or not and that he does not want to waste my chances. This guy paid my medical insurance and I feel like leaving him is betrayal.

However, he has stopped caring about me and avoids meeting me. He now refers to me as his good friend, yet we sometimes do things beyond friendship. He knows I love him, but he seems not to care.

I feel like he is revenging on me for what I did to him while at university. I have failed to let go of him because am totally obsessed with him. What should I do? I feel like I am no longer strong enough to carry on. Priscilla

EXPERT OPINION

HE IS NO LONGER INTERESTED IN YOU

Dear Priscilla, You have known this man for at least five years, of which you have been in an intimate relationship. This is ample time for the two of you to have decided which way you want to go.

Your boyfriend seems to be decisive and has clearly told you to move on. He could not have been more direct than this and you are lucky that he is able to tell you what is on his mind, which some men do not do.

This should help you to make an appropriate decision. That you would feel guilty if you let him go is simply denial of facts presented before you.

This kind of rationalisation would not help you to make informed and accurate decisions. Could it be that he himself has moved on and has another girlfriend? Was your relationship known to significant others from both sides?

And is there any role that they can play in salvaging it? What was your motive of your coming back to him? If it was anything other than love, it is highly likely that this man will doubt the viability of committing himself to you.

You say he has stopped hanging out with you, a clear sign that he is no longer interested in you. Doing things beyond friendship, as you state, is spurious and immaterial when it comes to a meaningful and long-lasting relationship. What are you looking for after he has told you his mind?

Are you ready to be used like toilet paper? Your problem has already been diagnosed as failing to let go.

The starting point for solving this problem is to accept the fact that he is no longer interested in the relationship. This is going to be painful and traumatic to you, but in the long run, it will be liberating if you let go. It also gives you an opportunity to begin thinking of a new relationship and, hopefully, this time one that is purposeful, fulfilling and mutually supportive.

CLEMENCE BYOMUHANGI, COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGIST