If Jesus were living today?

By Carol Natukunda

It’s the Easter festive season once again, and as is the norm, Christians mark the death (Good Friday) and eventual resurrection of Jesus Christ (Easter Sunday). But hey, how about this: what if Jesus were living [in person, that is] today?

What do you think he would be doing? Would he be a TV preacher wearing bling and speaking with a slurred American accent? Or would he be living modestly as a Jewish rabbi? Personally, I guess he would be in jail chilling with Bad Black, Kazinda and Cheeye. Or maybe, he would be on Afande Omala’s watch-list as the most wanted walk-to-work crusader after Col. Kizza Besigye.

There is no doubt that the anti-riot Police would follow him everywhere he goes, maybe except when he is walking on water. Preventive arrest would be a nightmare to Kale Kayihura’s boys since Jesus did not have a home in which he would be confined like they usually do to Besigye and the Lukwagos.

 So Jesus would be mistrusted by the government for possibly planning a coup against it. Because from what we read in the bible, the historical Jesus would be a troublemaker.

Illegal rallies

Jesus would certainly get into trouble with the newly-enacted Public Order Management Act. From what we read in the Bible, he was a crowd puller, would address huge gatherings and nowhere is it written that he sought permission from the powers that be.

So, the Police patrol and anti-riot squads would always be on the run not knowing where his next rally would be, considering that he would miraculously appear in a place from nowhere.

Because he would probably not seek permission to hold the rallies, his meetings would be dispersed with tear gas or maybe the infamous pink spray. So poor thing, his only white robe (from what we see in the movies) would all be stained.

Hanging out with prostitutes and sinners

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Jesus was always walking. He would be with prostitutes here, lepers there and the next he is raising the dead and healing the blind and the lame. For his healing powers, he would immediately be branded a magician. Because prostitution is illegal in Uganda, the Son of God would have lots of explanation to do with the cops.

Certainly, a number of people would not believe he was just hanging out with the ladies of the night in a bid to save them. For associating with sinners and other suspicious characters, he would run into trouble with laws regarding misprision of offences. 

Kicking tables in the temple

Or take it from the Police’s point of view. There is Jesus, going around casting out evil spirits in his own name, violating the rules of the Sabbath, entering the city like a king, kicking tables and coins in the temple and letting people get all worked up wondering if he is the Messiah, yet without really telling them that he indeed is the son of God.

With so much suspicion rising about him, the Police would probably issue a terror alert against him. Or maybe they will charge him over subversive activities.

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Threat to the government

Security forces would conclude the dude might run for Presidency in the next elections. And in actual sense, he would be quite a threat to the government. From healing the sick, donating baskets of bread and fish to the poor, no one would care if the government existed or not. But it is likely that he would be conservative.

If he would be just another human he would be freaked out as would anyone who lived 2,000 years ago and found themselves in the 21st century. In that case, more than likely he would be SERIOUSLY conservative – even much more than ethics minister Father Lokodo.

He would oppose mini-skirts and advocate for his style — robes. And that would make him unpopular, especially among the young people.

Turning water into wine

Just who does this? Imagine you wake up and the water in your village has been turned into wine. So everyone drinks themselves silly and staggers home? The breathalyzer cops would have a field day that night.

Our bet is that even the Police boss Gen. Kale Kayihura would probably come looking for a man who got everyone tipsy. Beer companies would cry to the government for help. Ugandans would no longer be ranked by the World Health Organisation as one of the top alcohol consumers in the world, we would simply be unparalleled in the whole world.

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Walking on water

No, he would not be able to walk on water. He would be trapped in Nankabirwan — the new water weed that is terrorising lakes Kyoga and Bisinia. Fisheries officials and minister Rosemary Nankabirwa would arrest him on suspicion that he planted the weed, which is worse than the water hyacinth.

But on a good note, Jesus would probably stop the storms on our lakes. Who knows, he would be one man to quickly fly out of the country and represent us in tracing the missing Malaysian plane.

Washing feet

A man washing fellow men’s feet and feeding them, too? That is close to those things that the anti-homosexuality bill is against. He would be locked up right away. And no, his punishment would not be to carry a huge cross and be crucified. That is so centuries ago. He would be bundled up into a Police van and whisked away to the Central Police Station. 

Featuring in The Kampala Sun

Because of his popularity, all the tabloids would be on his trail. He would soon feature in the Kampala Sun’s ‘celebrity death-match’ section along with UPC’s Olara Otunnu.

Both would be at par on dressing, Jesus with his tunic and Otunu with his legendary zebra Kitenge. They would also draw on being celebrated bachelors. While Jesus would flatly floor Otunu on being witty and a ladies’ man, he would be condemned as a long-haired freak wearing sandals with radical thoughts.

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What police, lawyers say

Afande Sam Omala, celebrity policeman known for dispersing rioting crowds

You see, Jesus was orderly in his crusades; he did not attract the rowdy kind of followers like Kiiza Besigye’s stone-throwing type. Even where he acted rather radical, you found that he was trying to correct a wrong.

How come in other instances he fed the hungry? How come he healed the sick? So, rather than ‘teargas’ and arrest such a man because he has rare abilities, I, as a law enforcer, would think twice and instead protect him. Didn’t you see me side-by-side with the teachers when they walked to demand their rights?

The Police do not just ‘teargas’ and disperse crowds. We do it because of a reason. And Jesus, though rare and somewhat drastic some of his means, would not give me reason to go against him — he would make me curious instead.

Bruce Kyereere, former president of Uganda Law Society and private legal practitioner

Look, it takes having a case against someone for you to drag them to court; not mere wonder about the ways of this man who is doing strange things. So, in the provisions of our laws, I do not see a case anyone would bring against Jesus. For instance, He walks into a church He is in-charge of and finds traders misusing it, selling merchandise and doing all sorts of evil things in it.

Annoyed, he disperses everyone and some of their merchandise is destroyed. What case would you have against him in court? Wasn’t it they who trespassed in his house of worship? Okay, maybe he turns water into wine and all of Kampala is drunk, is He the one that asked them to drink irresponsibly? Also, how do you take a man to court for holding a religious rally? Isn’t he exercising his freedom of worship?

Freedom of worship and expression is the reason today’s church ministers are not dragged to court, regardless of the noise they make while praising. So, if I were to defend Jesus in court over his rare standing, trust me I would defend him vehemently.