Would you slap her back?

 

Charles says he would never hit a woman. “But if I saw that hand coming again, I would restrain her, hold her hand firmly and squeeze it till she cries or calms down. I would tell her never to do it again. As a man, I am stronger and if I lose my cool, I could kill her with punches,” he says.

 

Most men quietly admit they are being slapped by their girlfriends. It is far less discussed, but it happens.  

 

Patrick also remembers the first time he got punched by his girlfriend. It was during a concert at a street bash, over a subject he has since forgotten. But the punch — thrown in the middle of a crowd — is something he has never forgotten.

 

“It did not hurt, but I was so embarrassed. In my heart I was thinking, ‘Oh, poor thing, she is angry over simple remarks,’” Patrick recounts. 

 

And yet no one seems to take the phenomenon that seriously, even the men themselves.

 

“A woman’s slap has never been painful, it is like a small pat,” says Patrick. 

 

Charles and Patrick seem to fall into the same pattern as women in abusive relationships — being abused and then being pulled back in by their partner’s sweet side and promises to never do it again. Or maybe it is because men, generally, are bigger and stronger, and we assume that a slap is nothing.

 

For instance, whereas a woman would suffer bruises over a man’s punch, a woman’s slap might have little impact. We do not seem to picture these “small slaps” resulting in bloody noses and black eyes. 

 

Maybe it is a feminist thing. With more women bringing home a paycheck, and generally being emancipated, it seems like society is changing.

 

“When you annoy me, I simply slap you and take off,” says Rosemary Bigirwa, a fashion designer. Bigirwa sounds almost proud of it. 

 

“If you hit me back, it is a sign you are backward and can turn violent when we are married. You need to remember that I am vulnerable and my slap is harmless.

 

As a woman, I can shout at the top of my voice, but a slap might come involuntarily when I am emotional. As a man, you should control your emotions,” Bigirwa says.

 

But the soap culture has also made the idea of a pretty girl hitting a guy almost seem like the in-thing. Picture Maite Perroni (Marichuy) smashing William Levy in a soap opera, yet they stick together at the end of the day.

 

“Even if you hit him, you are still in love and it is only one moment of madness,” says Rachel, adding that although she does not condone slapping, it happens impulsively for a lot of women.

 

But the reality of getting hit by your girlfriend is not so sexy. First, there is the shock and an intense urge to hit back. Then there is outrage and the presumption that this will not happen again.

 

This is all perceived through a haze of humiliation at the fact that you just got hit by a girl — and it hurts. 

 

“At first it felt like it was funny, but the second time she did it, I felt like she did not respect me. I feared she could do something worse, like burning up a house or using a knife to bruise me one day when I am sound asleep.

 

And I could not tell anybody that my girlfriend slapped me. How would I begin?” says Marvin Mukasa, a customer care manager at a hotel. 

 

Mukasa says he had to call it quits the third time, when she threatened to turn violent. “We had an argument and I got my remote, sat in my sofa to watch TV.

 

I think she wanted to make up, but I was not in the mood to talk. She called out to me, but I kept mum. She got louder and louder. In the end, she picked my iPad and smashed it on the floor to get my attention. I hit her badly. We were done, and I do not regret it,” says Mukasa.

 

Calm down. Do not act in the moment of anger. 

 

Talk when you feel better. 

 

“Find something/an object like a pillow or bag full of sand to use as a punching bag,” Musaalo suggests. 

 

If you are a short-tempered person, walk away from the person until you are calm.

 

Go jogging, do exercises. “Some people go out and dig. By the time they are done, that negative energy from the anger has been utilised positively,” Musaalo explains. You need to expel that negative energy that has built up and transform it by doing something positive. 

 

Cry if you must. Some people do when they are angry. The whole point is to release the negative energy before it wells up and spills over. 

 

P’Oburu says the most effective way to manage anger in relationships is to have a “right relationship.” “A right relationship is based on four building blocks: Love, trust, respect and understanding. 

 

However, P’Oburu suggests that forgiveness is what holds these building blocks together.

 

Counsellors say a slap tends to bring some tension into the relationship. Men are slower to admit to being in an abusive relationship than women, partly for fear of being ridiculed and partly because they think no one will believe them.

 

“Physical and verbal abuse can be  as damaging to men as to women. Just because he is stronger does not mean you cannot hurt him,” says Joseph Musaalo, a counselling psychologist at Uganda Christian University. 

 

He says slapping is a result of anger, stress and emotional breakdown. However, he points out that the main cause is breakdown of communication between couples.

 

“Maybe one person suspects the other of cheating on them and perhaps one has talked (tried to express his/her feelings in other ways) but has been ignored,” Musaalo explains.

 

Michelle (not real name) once slapped her boyfriend in anger when she found him walking hand-in-hand with another girl. She does not condone people slapping their partners, but at the same time, she is not sorry she did it.

 

Musaalo explains that the impulse to slap someone who has annoyed you is a way of “downloading” feelings of stress or anger. He describes the cause as a “failure to control one’s emotions or feelings.” These feelings can be categorised as rage, anger, stress, disappointment, among others.

 

Martin P’Oburu, a marriage counsellor at Watoto Church East, believes slapping is caused by human weakness whose source is in the biblical concept of the “fall of man”.

 

“The very human beings that thrive on relationships are also not perfect because of the ‘fall of man’,” P’Oburu says. 

 

He, however, asserts that our response to all kinds of irritation boils down to a person’s worldview or belief systems. “From your beliefs you draw your values, from your values your character is shaped and determined. It’s your character that determines your conduct, and your conduct has consequences,” P’Oburu says.

 

In the end, you do not have to hit your guy. Neither should he hit you. There are better ways to solve a conflict.