We are living in interesting times

By Kalungi Kabuye

Living in Uganda means living in a very interesting place, and in very interesting times. It is also because we are a very interesting people, and we are providing comic relief for the whole world. The circus of what has been going on with the Marriage and Divorce Bill (shortened by some wags to MAD) will fill comedy halls for years to come, and that of the ‘Mini-Skirts’ Bill hasn’t even started yet. But more on that later, let us first see what interesting things Ugandans have been up to recently:

Bad Black, again

She just can’t stay away from the media, can she? Or is it the media that can’t let her go? Black was recently in the press as having a whale of a time wherever she is, which at times is reported as Thailand, or at times Dubai. Using social media, she told of how good she was doing, effectively thumbing her nose at the Ugandan justice system, and the establishment that let her go in the first place. And the whole of Luwum Street is laughing with her.

Let’s be honest, is there anybody in Uganda who actually thought that she would come back? All those people who collected the sh100 million bail, Halima Namakula who was always by her side, her lawyers, her sureties, the judge who released her - did they for one minute think she would go to Dubai, get her boobs done, and then dutifully come back to prison? (We heard recently that those lawyers had gone back to the same judge, complaining that Black had not paid their fees)

And is anybody else surprised that she ended up in Thailand, which has reputedly the ‘sex capital’ of the world? She has always dealt in sex, and that is how she ended up with the billions of shillings, and how she ended up in jail, a convicted thief. No prizes for guessing what she is up to now, of course.

But in all fairness she should be brought back here, and serve her time. It is a well-known fact that when things get too hot for Ugandans, whether it is bills too big to settle, or court cases gone wrong, or a relationship gone sour, they leave the country and go for ‘kyeyo’, where everybody tolerates them, if not with respect. But some of them are outright crooks. If Interpol can find and arrest Black and bring her back, that would be a big lesson to all those Ugandans who think an air ticket will save them from paying their dues. And maybe all those folks around the Taxi Park will stop treating thieves and crooks as heroes.

The Breathalyser Wars 

There is story that was written about a young American girl who wrote home from Nigeria that Nigerian men openly pee on walls. Somehow that got out and Nigerians got really angry about that. How can an American who was a guest in their country abuse the hospitality accorded to her? People demanded that the American government apologise, or the Ambassador should be deported. 

Demonstrations were held in the streets and effigies of Uncle Sam were burnt. It almost caused a diplomatic incident, and the poor girl had to leave the country in tears, with her departure broadcast live on major TV networks. Things soon cooled off, and Nigerian men went back to cheerily and openly peeing on walls.

Which brings me to what are becoming known as the Uganda Breathalyser Wars, which are a source of unending amusement across the region. Ugandan drivers are demanding their right to get drunk and drive home whichever way they can, just as the Nigerian men demanded the right to pee on walls without becoming an item of conversation between a young American tourist and her folks back home. 

A few years ago a concrete barrier was erected along Bombo Road, just before the Bat Valley. That very same night about three cars driven by drunken guys smashed into it, and two people died. By the weekend another three cars had crashed into it, and the whole town was in an uproar. So much so that whoever had erected the barrier had to remove it, and Kampala’s drunk drivers could now freely drive on sidewalks and weave all across the road without impediment.

The street lights along the Lugogo By-pass each have a concrete pillar next to it to prevent cars from hitting the lights, but every Monday at least three lights are hit and brought down. 

By Ugandan logic, the problem here is not that people are driving while drunk, but that there are street lights along the road. So the solution here would be to remove the lights so drunk drivers can be safe. Just like the solution was not to stop Nigerian men peeing on walls openly, but to deport the American girl who wrote home about it. Really interesting times.