He's just not that into you

By Carol Natukunda

YES, the truth hurts. But for some reason, Brenda stays put in her sour relationship with her boyfriend. Sometimes she cries, laments and yells over the rooftop, for him to propose, or introduce her to his family and friends.

But every day is the same – there is always an excuse. Brenda’s elder brother, Nicholas, seems to have given up on her. Nicholas, who describes himself as a former “playboy” before settling down and marrying at 42, believes many women, like his sister, do not heed the warning signs.

 He explains that as a man, he is terrified of seeing a girl breakdown in tears. So he would rather “chase” her away indirectly.

“Sometimes women start thinking of marriage and babies right away, and this freaks us out. Then you do some stupid things to make her chill you, but she continues to hang around you. You fear to tell her off directly, because we do not like seeing a girl cry. You want to tell her off politely through indirect means,” says Nicholas.

He believes girls often get so caught up in the moment and excited over a relationship that they end up ignoring a man’s character.

Matthew Oluka, who works in a casino in Kampala, agrees that women need a wakeup call.

“You need to be a little quicker on your feet,” he says, adding: “You hang out for a month and she is already talking about moving in with you. You cannot force me to commit when I do not want to. Believe me, if I was in love with you, you would know it right away.

I would do anything, before you even begged me to. I wouldn’t treat you like trash or keep you waiting.”

But like Brenda, for many women it is not just about finding the courage to dump him, it is also about having the wisdom to know if she should let go. “If he is not interested in maintaining the relationship, why can’t he say it? Why does he keep apologising?” asks one of Brenda’s friends.

Laura Aryijuka, a counsellor at Kyambogo University, notes that dead-end relationships are a huge waste of time, and advises both men and women who are in one to get out.

“In a true relationship, someone will be straightforward with you, and not keep you guessing. Besides, he would still try to make up with you if you decided to break up,” she says.

“You suffer a pain in the beginning, especially when you hoped things would get better with your unsuitable partner, but in the end, the rewards are great,” advises Aryijuka. “I have met many young people who did not think it was possible to move on, but the earlier you learn to take the truth, the better; you move on to better things.”