Making your marriage work

Feb 17, 2012

Psychologist, Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, carried out in-depth interviews with 50 couples who have been married at least nine years, had children together, and who independently regarded their marriage as happy.

 Psychologist, Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, carried out in-depth interviews with 50 couples who have been married at least nine years, had children together, and who independently regarded their marriage as happy.
 
Dr. Wallerstein identified nine “psychological tasks” as the pillars on which any marital relationship rests.
 
Be Realistic
Couples often go into marriage with idealistic notions of what marriage is all about. Each individual should make clear what their explicit and implicit expectations are and clarify these expectations such that they are clearly understood by one another. Where there are discrepancies, a mutually satisfying compromise must be reached.
 
Do Not Take One another For Granted
This can be a killer for a relationship. It usually occurs sometime after the honeymoon period. When our partner feels taken for granted, not respected or acknowledged, and feels that others are a higher priority than him/herself, resentment brews.
 
Communication Skills. Being able to communicate is one of the greatest assets in any relationship. Being able to articulate our thoughts and being certain that the listener understands what you wish to say take considerable practice.
 
Communication requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and good receptive skills (listening).
 
Develop Sexual Skills 
People believe that having sex is just “doing what comes naturally.”
 
Believing this is like thinking that world-class ballroom dancers are simply born - no rehearsals, no practice, no innovation,no experimentation, and no mistakes. Good lovers are made, not born. Many times men and women believe that somehow the man is supposed to “know” what to do and be good at it.
 
Fearing failure, they do only what is tried and true.One of the most common problems that couples have is the lack of innovation. Sex becomes boring. Such predictability can lead to staleness and apathy.
 
Be Complimentary
It costs nothing to compliment your partner and it sure feels good to receive them. We are often chary about paying compliments to our mates, letting them know that we think they are pretty/handsome, smart, clever, well-dressed, kind, a good parent, etc.
 
We do not have to wait until some occasion when we purchase a greeting card to let our mates know that we think to Show Appreciation.
 
Another small thing that feels good. Thanking your partner for making dinner or taking out the trash, picking up clothes from the dry-cleaners, and in general letting him/her know that s/he is appreciated can go a long way in creating a caring environment.
 
Separate emotionally from one’s childhood so as to invest fully in the marriage and, at the same time, redefine the lines of connection with both families of origin.
 
Build togetherness based on mutual identification, shared intimacy and an expanded conscience that includes both partners, while at the same time setting boundaries to protect each
partner’s autonomy.
 
Confront and master the inevitable crisis of life and maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity and create a safe haven within the marriage for the expression of difference, anger and conflict.
 
Marriage, like any other worthwhile endeavor, requires patience and practice. When there is difficulty, it may require outside help. 

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