Cabinet’s In-House Comedian

Jul 23, 2003

WHEN you are short of laughter, visit Kibirige Ssebunya for a dose.

By Joshua Kato
When you are short of laughter, visit Kibirige Ssebunya for a dose. Warning! Too much of his laughter can be harmful for your health and that of your family. In the latest of his statements, he has boasted that he can store his sperm for 100 years! His antics vary from scientific discoveries that have helped raise the standard of agriculture in this country (for example the discovery of clonal coffee) to laughable statements like telling people to feed on pesky monkeys.
In his first years as a minister, never did he think about using a hankie to wipe his face. At one time he was caught by the camera using his palm to wipe sweat from his face and at another, he was seen using the loose end of his faded coat. The next day, he bought at least five hankies, all of which he carried in his pockets.
When he visited Ssese Islands and residents complained about monkeys, he advised them to hunt and eat them: “Monkey meat is very delicious. By eating it, you would have killed two birds with one stone,” he advised. Kibirige however says that he has never eaten monkey meat!
He does not hide his love for the bottle. At his home in Maganjo, his refrigerator is full of all kinds of hard drinks at all times. His visitors are treated to bottle after bottle of liquor.
Nevertheless, the drinking does not affect his work. President Yoweri Museveni at one time commented that although Kibirige loves the taste of hard drink, he is one of the most hard-working ministers. The President pointed out that he wakes up very early and is always in office by 9:00am.
Because he socialises a lot, he is the darling of his constituents. He contributes passionately to local LC meetings and spices up night vigils, not only with free booze for all those around, but also with his funny jokes. He is a man of the people: “No one can say he hates that man. There is no reason to hate him, yet there is every reason to love him,” says a resident of Maganjo.
Because he loves his people around, Kibirige has dropped his police escorts, as they were stopping people from seeing him: “Bano bantu baffe. Lwaki mubagana okujja okundaba (These are our people, why are you stopping them from meeting me)?” he asked the Policemen, before sending them away.
Groups of people asking for this or that favour converge at his home every weekend. All of them say, he gives generously. Perhaps the minister expected this, which is why he has got a large sitting room.
As soon as he wakes up, he comes to the sitting room to meet them, in their groups and one by one.
All of them say they like his stories, which are always punctuated with jokes. He cuts his speeches in mid-sentence, then drops his head, as if in thought, before bursting out again like a gatling gun: “Mwena manyi kyemwagala. Mwagala mwenge,” (I know what all of you want. You want booze) he says. One by one, he hands each a bottle of Nile.
But he does not only give them Nile Beer, he also assists them financially: “The other time he gave me money to take my child back to school,” says a one Musisi of Manganjo.
“He is one MP who listens to what his people are saying,” said another resident. This is why he did not have to sweat like some of his fellow MPs before he was elected. He won by a landslide. Everyone loves Kibirige.
During his election party, one of the residents rushed and told him that people were stealing some of the meat he had bought for the party. The messenger was stunned by the answer from the honourable minister: “If they are stealing the meat, you can also go and steal. Take home and eat with your family,” Kibirige told the stunned man. He added, “You are stupid if you don’t do as the others are doing.”
Recently, he asked all those talking about the third term to leave it to only those who have double-breasted coats. His argument is that people are spending a lot of valuable time discussing the third term, yet they don’t have food to eat at home: “Why should people who have nothing to eat spend most of their time talking about an issue that cannot give them food?” he asked.
Why is he stopping people from talking about the Third Term? Perhaps his anger arises out of the surprise he got when he was given the ministerial job. He at the same function told whoever cared to listen that President Museveni should rule forever, because he made him (Kibirige) a minister. “Nze nobwa Kibirige Bwange ani yali amanyi nti ndifuuka ku minisita (Who would have thought that humble Kibirige would ever become a minister)?”
His eccentricities aside, the jolly, care-free minister is however one of the best genetic scientists in the country. Kibirige is at the centre of most of our successful research in agriculture. He is, for example, the brain behind the famous clonal coffee species, an innovation that has stabilised coffee farming in the devastating wake of the coffee wilt disease.
When he says that he can store his sperms up to 100 years after his death, he may be serious. He is widely acclaimed and known all over the world as a master of genetics. A story is told of how he addressed an agricultural research seminar in New York and left the participants, who thought they knew a lot, mesmerised by his knowledge: “He answered all their questions off the cuff, all of them nodded in appreciation,” one of the participants in the workshop said. He spends a lot of his time in the research laboratory seeking to further science.
Kibirige Ssebunya was born to the late Kibirige and Nansubuga of Kyaggwe, both deceased. He went to Kkungu Primary School near Matugga, before joining Makerere College for his entire secondary education. He did his first degree at Makerere university, but now holds a PhD in agriculture, which he got in the USA. He worked in Canada for a few years. He has also worked at Namulonge and Kawanda research stations and lectured at Makerere.
He is married to Tereza Kibirige, who lectures in a South African University. All his seven children have graduated in different fields.
Ends

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