Sometimes those advances can be downright insulting
Aug 27, 2009
SAIZI yange, auntie, nkwagala,†(my size, I love you), followed by a hiss from a taxi tout or boda boda cyclist, especially when you pretend you have not heard, is common to hear on the streets of Kampala, if you are an attractive young woman. “How da
By Susan Muyiyi
SAIZI yange, auntie, nkwagala,†(my size, I love you), followed by a hiss from a taxi tout or boda boda cyclist, especially when you pretend you have not heard, is common to hear on the streets of Kampala, if you are an attractive young woman. “How dare he?†you ask as you rubbish the thought of the two of you together.
“Sha, the dude has guts!†you say as you size him up. Christine a 28-year-old corporate lady says she is always offended by such advances from a “low class,†person like a taxi conductor.
“Please! He would have lowered my standard by attempting to suggest a relationship. He didn’t go to school, why the hell would I even consider going out with him?†However, if it was a Will Smith look-alike, Christine would act different.
“I would feel flattered, on top of the world, if he just winked at me. It doesn’t matter whether I am in another relationship. I would feel good that out of the crowd he winked at me.†Maureen, a married woman, agrees with Christine.
She says a woman’s reaction to a man’s advances depends on the man’s social class. You do not even have to be interested in pursuing a relationship with him. “It is flattering for a handsome, or rich man to ogle at you,†says Maureen.
It is something you would not discuss with your husband, obviously, but probably laugh about with your girlfriends. Women! Joyce says the number of times and intensity of advances, matter a lot. “It is a gauge of sorts.
Women love being appreciated, especially as they grow older. When a man looks desirably at you, it is exciting to know that you are still considered in the hot category, even though you have teenage children.â€
“I would be depressed if I walked into a room and no man notices,†explains Roy, who glories in attention from men.
Being spotted, winked at or even asked out for a drink is one of those vain things women love, but do not want to admit. According to Roy, the social category of the men is something worth bragging about to your girlfriends.
It has often been said that men, both unattached and married, ogle at women when they find them attractive and desirable. The ogling, it is said, boosts women’s self-esteem.
Lillian welcomes a little flirting from colleagues at work. It is nothing more than appreciating some good things in life. She is flattered that he notices her lovely dress.
One day, it happened to be a cute wheelbarrow pusher. “I think he carries weights,†Lillian says, before getting carried away by the looks of the wheelbarrow pusher who commented about her ‘fish’ dress.
“What a waste!†she says. She adds that she would be offended if he so much as looked at her in suggestively.
Even a ‘low class’ man’s ego can be hurt by a nasty response to his advances, says Kajumba Mayanja, a counseling psychologist at Makerere University. The best response is to ignore the advances.
An attempt to tell off the uncouth boda boda rider can make him let out a stream of foul language. “And all along, you thought that you were beautiful. I was just flattering you.
You slut, you have bad legs, you are ugly…†Kajumba cautions that these kind of outbursts can be dangerous. Few men take rejection easily, especially from women they aspire to date, but are out of their league.
Such a man is likely to become violent should an opportunity avail itself, Kajumba cautions. Men whose social standing is challenged can press harder for attention.
Depending on the extent of the advances, some women are likely to crash emotionally, Kajumba and Rachel Arugai, another counselling psychologist with Healing Talk, explain.
“The pressure occurs over time. Initially, it is something you might shake off, but if you are subjected to that kind of attention daily, there is a chance that you may become paranoid,†Arugai mentions.
Kajumba adds that you are bound to be stressed and get scared whenever the phone rings if the man has your telephone number. A lawyer with Oscar and Byenkya Advocates says unfortunately, there is no law against unwanted advances.
“You should, however, inform the authorities when the person threatens violence,†he advises. While you might be quick to erase the emails and text messages, the lawyer says they can serve as evidence.
Otherwise, it would only be your word against his. Police spokesperson Judith Nabakooba says the Police cannot do much without evidence of disturbance. Keeping the messages comes in handy.
With evidence, you can lodge a complaint against the offender and let the law take its course as you take precautionary measures.
Counsellors’ suggestions
Do not feed the person’s obsession. Make it clear, in a stern and unshaken voice, that you will not stand his behaviour. Soft answers give a false sense of hope to the person pursuing you.
Make your stand consistent, regardless of what the person does or says. Do not laugh it off one day, or respond to any of their demands and be serious the next.
Inform your friends about the person’s behaviour, especially when he makes the advances in their presence. He will be too embarrassed to continue.
If he becomes aggressive, involve the authorities. Such people are likely to forcefully have their way with you and, God forbid, take your life on the extreme side of things.
Change your physical and telephone addresses to cut off contact with such people.
Avoid the temptation to respond to continued advances like phone calls and emails. This only encourages them.
SAIZI yange, auntie, nkwagala,†(my size, I love you), followed by a hiss from a taxi tout or boda boda cyclist, especially when you pretend you have not heard, is common to hear on the streets of Kampala, if you are an attractive young woman. “How dare he?†you ask as you rubbish the thought of the two of you together.
“Sha, the dude has guts!†you say as you size him up. Christine a 28-year-old corporate lady says she is always offended by such advances from a “low class,†person like a taxi conductor.
“Please! He would have lowered my standard by attempting to suggest a relationship. He didn’t go to school, why the hell would I even consider going out with him?†However, if it was a Will Smith look-alike, Christine would act different.
“I would feel flattered, on top of the world, if he just winked at me. It doesn’t matter whether I am in another relationship. I would feel good that out of the crowd he winked at me.†Maureen, a married woman, agrees with Christine.
She says a woman’s reaction to a man’s advances depends on the man’s social class. You do not even have to be interested in pursuing a relationship with him. “It is flattering for a handsome, or rich man to ogle at you,†says Maureen.
It is something you would not discuss with your husband, obviously, but probably laugh about with your girlfriends. Women! Joyce says the number of times and intensity of advances, matter a lot. “It is a gauge of sorts.
Women love being appreciated, especially as they grow older. When a man looks desirably at you, it is exciting to know that you are still considered in the hot category, even though you have teenage children.â€
“I would be depressed if I walked into a room and no man notices,†explains Roy, who glories in attention from men.
Being spotted, winked at or even asked out for a drink is one of those vain things women love, but do not want to admit. According to Roy, the social category of the men is something worth bragging about to your girlfriends.
It has often been said that men, both unattached and married, ogle at women when they find them attractive and desirable. The ogling, it is said, boosts women’s self-esteem.
Lillian welcomes a little flirting from colleagues at work. It is nothing more than appreciating some good things in life. She is flattered that he notices her lovely dress.
One day, it happened to be a cute wheelbarrow pusher. “I think he carries weights,†Lillian says, before getting carried away by the looks of the wheelbarrow pusher who commented about her ‘fish’ dress.
“What a waste!†she says. She adds that she would be offended if he so much as looked at her in suggestively.
Even a ‘low class’ man’s ego can be hurt by a nasty response to his advances, says Kajumba Mayanja, a counseling psychologist at Makerere University. The best response is to ignore the advances.
An attempt to tell off the uncouth boda boda rider can make him let out a stream of foul language. “And all along, you thought that you were beautiful. I was just flattering you.
You slut, you have bad legs, you are ugly…†Kajumba cautions that these kind of outbursts can be dangerous. Few men take rejection easily, especially from women they aspire to date, but are out of their league.
Such a man is likely to become violent should an opportunity avail itself, Kajumba cautions. Men whose social standing is challenged can press harder for attention.
Depending on the extent of the advances, some women are likely to crash emotionally, Kajumba and Rachel Arugai, another counselling psychologist with Healing Talk, explain.
“The pressure occurs over time. Initially, it is something you might shake off, but if you are subjected to that kind of attention daily, there is a chance that you may become paranoid,†Arugai mentions.
Kajumba adds that you are bound to be stressed and get scared whenever the phone rings if the man has your telephone number. A lawyer with Oscar and Byenkya Advocates says unfortunately, there is no law against unwanted advances.
“You should, however, inform the authorities when the person threatens violence,†he advises. While you might be quick to erase the emails and text messages, the lawyer says they can serve as evidence.
Otherwise, it would only be your word against his. Police spokesperson Judith Nabakooba says the Police cannot do much without evidence of disturbance. Keeping the messages comes in handy.
With evidence, you can lodge a complaint against the offender and let the law take its course as you take precautionary measures.
Counsellors’ suggestions
Do not feed the person’s obsession. Make it clear, in a stern and unshaken voice, that you will not stand his behaviour. Soft answers give a false sense of hope to the person pursuing you.
Make your stand consistent, regardless of what the person does or says. Do not laugh it off one day, or respond to any of their demands and be serious the next.
Inform your friends about the person’s behaviour, especially when he makes the advances in their presence. He will be too embarrassed to continue.
If he becomes aggressive, involve the authorities. Such people are likely to forcefully have their way with you and, God forbid, take your life on the extreme side of things.
Change your physical and telephone addresses to cut off contact with such people.
Avoid the temptation to respond to continued advances like phone calls and emails. This only encourages them.