Uchumi, here is advice

Apr 15, 2005

I rarely go shopping, but last week, I ventured into Uchumi Supermarket.

I rarely go shopping, but last week, I ventured into Uchumi Supermarket.
I swear this is based on a true story. This swanky dot situated at the prestigious Garden City complex was just too tempting, undies and pens stared at me begging me to come and get them!
However, the fact that I am a born-again Christian waned the idea of lifting them.
Then, I started eyeballing the various items on display at this giant supermarket and for some reason, the underwear was still winking at me.
I ignored it and continued towards the water stall. I grabbed one bottle of mineral water then strolled back to the underwear stall picked one undie, stashed it in my pocket, headed for the payment counter and paid for the water and not the undie.
After this, I made a beeline for the parking lot. I thought I had pulled this one off kumbe wapi, some security chap had spotted the undie inadvertently entering my pocket and wanted to yank it out.
But being Saggy, my reputation was at stake (or so I thought) so to save face I offered to pay anything for as long as this story remained a secret. I even made a statement under a pseudo-name – Okello Bin Saggy.
People are now wondering whether I actually went and stole at Uchumi.
Yes, I did! It wasn’t the first time I was doing it, I have stolen before, if in doubt, ask any of my victims.
I remember during my years at university, I saw Kisanja even way before Museveni could spell that word.
They tied it around me and came this close to setting me on fire. My crime was that I had shoplifted some woman’s heart!
I am a born lifter, that’s why I am a proponent of LIFTING the presidential term limits to allow Museveni shoplift the elections!
My only problem with the Uchumi incident is that all of a sudden, the whole country was busy discussing me and I thought to myself – how can a bunch of right thinking members of society be as idle as to start discussing a certain Saggy?
What is wrong with shoplifting? Even then, the dwanzies at Uchumi put up the worst defence, mbu to protect us, shoplifters. I laughed when that Njenga guy tried to jenga a defence wall to protect shoplifters.
Mbu, I hear they record so many cases of shoplifting, but keep them as confidential. What kind of bullshit is that? A shoplifter is a shoplifter and I see no sense in keeping them confidential unless there are other motives. Mr. Njenga you deserve a thorough flogging!
Anyway, that said, I hereby volunteer a piece of advice to Njenga, this might help save face in light of upcoming scandals at your supermarket. By the way you don’t have to pay me for this.
You should have a sales promotion, where someone buys one mineral water and then they get free underwear! You have no idea how this will boost your sales!
All customers to Uchumi should leave their underwear at the entrance and pick them on their way out.
This will minimise on the probable embarrassments caused to members of society by your askari’s, who might not understand that some people actually come wearing their underwear! (I would like to be an askari on the women’s side!)
You should rename all the underwear at Uchumi ‘OO’. Hey, this has nothing to do with the O.O you are thinking about, it’s just based on the fact that when you get good underwear the only song that comes to mind is O.O Kankyakyanche!’
You should introduce serenading music inside the supermarket. I guess one reason why your askari’s are always looking out for undie thieves is because there’s no music so, they have nothing else to do.
Just introduce music… especially local songs like Ofwo…(ooops!) Okello talina Mpale namuwa eyange...
Ends

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