Pick-up lines rarely work

“KISS me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Guadalupe?” The rumour persists that women become enthralled and cutely crumpled when they hear a great one-liner.

The hope is that this will bring about a lessening of physical, emotional and moral requirements long enough to allow a date to transpire. Or for those with bigger imaginations, haul in an unscheduled sexual encounter. Fat chance.

Someone has to let the secret out of the dating safety deposit box: Pickup lines rarely work. For starters, they make the receiver scramble for a response. “Huh?” is not enough.

Still, pick-up lines addicts are so prevalent that they can even be broken down into groups:
1. Goth: “Call me morbid, call me pale, call me yours” or “Do you practice safe sex?”

2. Christian: “Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?” or “What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?”

3. Sufferers of Attention Deficit Disorder: “Excuse me, but I just noticed that the colour of your eyes reminds me of something I saw in Hawaii. I was walking on the beach and ... Oh cool! They have beer nuts here.”

4. Incurable romantics: “I never believed in love at first sight until YOU walked into the room.”

5. Sex fiends: “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”
Let the hearer beware.

So what REALLY works? I have a friend who swears that she was hooked when a man came up to her and said, “Look, I don’t want to be intrusive, but you look just like the first girl I had a crush on in the third grade — you wouldn’t be Bella, would you?”

Yes, they struck up a conversation — she was a school teacher. This approach worked because it was non-threatening, innocent and had zip to do with sex.

The best approaches spark mutual interest. Say you’re at a sports game and the guy in the seat below you is cute. During an exciting play, yell loudly and then lean over to apologise for your passion and zeal. “I just get so carried away when my team scores. Sorry for hollering over you.”

An alternate strategy: Wave over the popcorn guy and buy two. Then offer one to cute guy. Say, “I hate to eat alone — here, please, it’s on me. Really, you’d be doing me a favour.”

If he’s interested, you two will go for an after-game coffee. The trick is to treat an outsider the way you treat your friends. Be yourself. Be relaxed. And don’t try too hard.

The best places to meet someone
are not the bars and supermarkets. Practice your Warm Guy or Gal Thing where you can meet people over a period of time. Take a yoga class or hiking course. Try classes in public speaking.

For women, it’s easier to use pickup lines than it is for men. You don’t have to make the encounter feel safe. But don’t expect your sexual power to win what you want — and don’t swim in waters deeper than you can handle.

The art of jump-starting a conversation requires practice and a sense of humour. Remember that there are three billion men and three billion women on the planet.

We all have zillions of opportunities for success.