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Monday,December 17,2018 15:36 PM

In memory of the colourful VP

By Vision Reporter

Added 27th May 2011 03:00 AM

Lovers of scandal woke up Wednesday morning feeling bereaved. No longer will they buy newspapers with lead pictures of Vice-Presidents kissing people’s wives. Of course the press has an unlimited supply of kissers and erratic wives, but as long as they are less than the VIP level, that news will l

Lovers of scandal woke up Wednesday morning feeling bereaved. No longer will they buy newspapers with lead pictures of Vice-Presidents kissing people’s wives. Of course the press has an unlimited supply of kissers and erratic wives, but as long as they are less than the VIP level, that news will lack the punch.

When the guy who seduces his campaign manager’s wife turns out to be an MP, it is news, especially if the wife sticks by him right from campaigns up to swearing-in. But when you are a scandal addict, it leaves you with that yearning, wishing the seducer was bigger – like the Cardinal (tsunami news) or a VP (floods news) but NOT an MP of say Masaka (puddle news), a pastor (pothole news) or a local musician (no news).

But for parents, Uganda is getting better. We no longer have to hush up our kids when the VP is invited to address the congregation after mass in Rubaga and junior asks, rather innocently: “Dad, isn’t that the man who was kissing Iryn in the papers?”

Adventurous adolescents may have to do with a role model who is not a VP. The ‘after all, even the VP does it openly’ excuse may need a replacement.

As for me, I admired the ex Vice-President too, but for different reasons. He brought us the mahogany word, which my wife loves to use when she calls me at work: “How is our mahogany?” Of course, we have no forest to our name, but if you are a man who owns no forest, such a question from a female brings a smile to your lips and builds self-esteem. So, I will forever be grateful to Bukenya for being very innovative.

His only problem was failure to build a perimeter fence between his official life and the private life. As a Catholic elder and husband to a respectable doctor, he should have kept only his official life on display and privacy under lock. We all do. For instance, you may find that among the people queuing up for Holy Communion, are those who visit shrines, but you cannot tell because they are not labelled. But Bukenya invited the press when he did. I don’t know what he later told the bishops, because his share of Holy Communion continued to be received.

Perhaps he copied from his predecessor, who also had a porous perimeter fence. Her privates always found a way to leak into the publics. We got to know how many slaps were on her menu per day, how clean (and delicious) Muslim mahoganies were, how MPs suffocated her with smelly socks and … I have forgotten the rest.

The problem with Spe and I is that whenever I try to recall anything about her, her big romantic eyes flood my memory and disorganise the retrieval process. You know how I love big romantic eyes where romantic is a cardinal condition. That way, I can eliminate Besigye lest I am charged with some law I have never heard of.

Bukenya also tried the big eyes project but, for him, it wasn’t to seduce, but to look like his boss. In psychology, we identify lovers from the way they tend to copy each other’s traits. She copies his talking style, walking style, retells his jokes, etc. Bukenya loved Museveni! He added a stammer in his talk, the hat, hand gesture, wide eyes, head tilting, walking ….

Unfortunately, when a guy you loved drops you, you begin the struggle to unlearn his traits. Hopefully, we shall recognise Bukenya next time we meet him.

In memory of the colourful VP

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