The other woman's Christmas

By Maureen Nakatudde

I met my partner this year and life changed for the better. He was everything I wanted. By then, he was working in Gulu as a teacher, but was later transferred to Kampala.

That is also where his wife lives. Previously, he stayed with me from Monday to Friday, while we went to see her over the weekends. That, however, did not stop us from meeting. I never thought about spending important days like Christmas with out him. Now that the season is here, I am worried he will not be here with me and my baby,” Mary, a business woman, confesses.

While Christmas and the New Year celebrations might be bonding time for most couples, for the other woman, it is usually a nightmare.

She wants to spend time with him, but this time is reserved for family. No amount of confession about how much he loves you can feel the emptiness you feel being away from him.

“During the festive season, he cannot fulfill all the promises he made to you during the year,” Allen, a mistress, reveals.
“If it is Christmas Day, he will just do a little shopping for you because priority is kept for the first woman,” Namukisa reveals. “When you insist on shopping together, he will not allow it. He does not want people to know he is cheating on his wife.”

While wives look forward to the festive season, the other woman is worried about how she will pull through. This is the time a man will go to church with his wife and children, visit the in-laws and attend parties together.

“You have no part in that,” says Sarah Lule, who once had a relationship with a married man.  “However much you complain, he will tell you how he is married and being seen with you will taint his image. You basically become a prisoner of yourself because you chose that life.”

As if that is not bad enough, the loneliness can be even worse when there is a child involved. A young child may not fully comprehend why ‘daddy’ is not around, but when they get older, how do you deal with all the questions about dad being away during the time they want to decorate the home, or are anticipating Christmas gifts?

Lule says though the man she had was rich and she could get anything she wanted, she started to think he could not be her life-long partner. Sometimes when the money goes and his youth wanes, he will not even look at you, only referring to you as that beautiful woman he had a good time with.

“I later changed my mind when I gave myself a chance, found a single man who had children,” Lule says. “Here, I’m the woman of the home and I am his priority.”

Lule advises young women to think twice before dating a married man.

“There is usually direct and indirect pain,” she notes.

Sometimes he does not mean to, but it happens that he could not help hurting you.

How to enjoy alone

 Acknowledge your thoughts and emotions and learn how to deal with your out-of-control emotions that come up time  

  Plan ahead that you will occupy yourself so that you do not think about the loneliness when he does not come over.

Rent family-oriented movies that you can watch with your child, or take them for one of the many festivity concerts around town

Spend Christmas with relatives whom you have not seen in a while; go to your parents’ or siblings’ house. For the children, this will help them bond with your side of the family.

Plan an early Christmas, say the week before Christmas with your partner to make up for the time you will not be able to be with him

Let ‘daddy’ explain to the children why he cannot be with them so that they will not bother to ask you about him.

Do not accept invitations from friends to parties because you will spend half the time being asked where your man is, and why you are alone for Christmas.