Expert Opinion: Get to know yourself first
Sep 27, 2011
Dear Fatuma,<br>It is exciting to be in love and feelings of apprehension are understandable as you think about the future.
Trained Counsellor: Annette Kirabira
Dear Fatuma,
It is exciting to be in love and feelings of apprehension are understandable as you think about the future.
Before marriage, the qualities people desire in a mate tend to differ from what makes a satisfactory relationship. Therefore, there are a few things to consider as you contemplate formalising your relationship.
Get to know yourself. Is this love or infatuation? What are your interests, fears and goals? Is this youthful excitement or love? Sharing yourself with someone else requires you to know who you are first.
Relationship readiness is something else to think about. Formalising your relationship sounds good, but are both of you ready for this step? Do you have similar goals for this relationship? You mentioned he is still a student; is he ready for a more serious relationship or does he still want to pursue his education/career dreams? Are you willing to wait for him? Is he ready to commit? Are you the one driving the relationship? Leave nothing assumption. Ability to communicate at the same wavelength and determining direction will be critical.
In the past men tended to marry downwards and women upwards; meaning that men married younger women and women married older men. This trend is changing. As is commonly said “age is just a numberâ€, but remember, other than love, psychological maturity is vital in healthy relationships. There will be times when age will matter and you may not always see eye-to-eye with your younger mate. This is not to deter you but avoid treating him like a child, because he isn’t one.
Research has shown that a woman’s greatest need is love and that of a man is respect. Do you respect this man enough to submit to his leadership? Remember you are not marrying a boy and he should not be marrying a mother.
Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship. Sometimes there are deeply engrained paradigms that may arouse suspicion from time to time. As an older mate you will need to be mindful of your insecurities getting in the way of your relationship. Jealousy is never a good look.
Like any other relationship there will be things that you have in common and things that you don’t; compromise is key. After soul-searching you should be able to make a good decision.
Dear Fatuma,
It is exciting to be in love and feelings of apprehension are understandable as you think about the future.
Before marriage, the qualities people desire in a mate tend to differ from what makes a satisfactory relationship. Therefore, there are a few things to consider as you contemplate formalising your relationship.
Get to know yourself. Is this love or infatuation? What are your interests, fears and goals? Is this youthful excitement or love? Sharing yourself with someone else requires you to know who you are first.
Relationship readiness is something else to think about. Formalising your relationship sounds good, but are both of you ready for this step? Do you have similar goals for this relationship? You mentioned he is still a student; is he ready for a more serious relationship or does he still want to pursue his education/career dreams? Are you willing to wait for him? Is he ready to commit? Are you the one driving the relationship? Leave nothing assumption. Ability to communicate at the same wavelength and determining direction will be critical.
In the past men tended to marry downwards and women upwards; meaning that men married younger women and women married older men. This trend is changing. As is commonly said “age is just a numberâ€, but remember, other than love, psychological maturity is vital in healthy relationships. There will be times when age will matter and you may not always see eye-to-eye with your younger mate. This is not to deter you but avoid treating him like a child, because he isn’t one.
Research has shown that a woman’s greatest need is love and that of a man is respect. Do you respect this man enough to submit to his leadership? Remember you are not marrying a boy and he should not be marrying a mother.
Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship. Sometimes there are deeply engrained paradigms that may arouse suspicion from time to time. As an older mate you will need to be mindful of your insecurities getting in the way of your relationship. Jealousy is never a good look.
Like any other relationship there will be things that you have in common and things that you don’t; compromise is key. After soul-searching you should be able to make a good decision.