What it means to be a pastor’s wife

We have been looking at the life and love of one of the founding fathers of Deliverance Church Uganda, Pastor Nicholas Wafula and his wife, Elizabeth. The couple celebrated their 50th marriage anniversary. They shared their love story with Ahumuza Muhumuza. Today, we continue with lessons from the Wafulas’ marriage.

When the Wafulas left Gayaza, they went to live with Uncle Sam Wanyala, a bachelor who was living in a one-bedroom house alone. Even with the space limitations, visitors kept pouring in. “During the war, our sitting room became a guest room. We did not have enough things. I used to spread out my gomesis on the floor for visitors to sleep on,” Elizabeth recounts.

Having many guests was stretching their household budget. Everyone wants to give their visitors the best — nice meals like meat — and the Wafulas usually found themselves going beyond their budget to accommodate their numerous guests. “Eventually, we decided we were not going to borrow money we did not have and guests would have to share with us whatever we had,” Elizabeth says.

“This gave us peace to welcome whoever came. Those who appreciate, appreciate, those who do not appreciate, sorry, but we could not go on begging.”

Elizabeth adds that because of visitors, they always kept a flask of tea on the table. “Being a pastor’s wife, you have to be patient to share your husband with very many people,” Elizabeth says.

Different generations of the Wafulas family gather for a photo

“I once read a book called I married a Minister. This book helped me a lot. The author narrates how visitors come home, knock and without even greeting, the first thing that comes out of their mouth is: ‘Is pastor in?’ “Then one time, the ladies at the church brought a bouquet of flowers and she immediately assumed it was for her husband. The ladies said, ‘It is for you.’ She could not believe it and was overwhelmed that people would appreciate her.”

Being a pastor’s wife, you have to be ready to go unappreciated. All the attention is on the husband. You need to be ready to act as mother and father to your children since your husband is always away and busy. You have to learn to put up with all kinds of people.

Many young people think life was easier in the olden times and that mothers had the luxury of staying home to raise children, but Nicholas and Elizabeth disagree. “It was just as tough to make ends meet back then as it is now and will probably continue to be,” Nicholas says.

Elizabeth continued working full-time, even while raising a family. Nicholas says he was attracted to Elizabeth not just because of her beauty, but also because he felt a sense of belonging when he was around her.

Both Nicholas and Elizabeth stress that marriage is not a walk in the park. Marriage takes everything to make it work. You have to throw yourself into it fully. Be ready to make adjustments in every way, including the mundane, such as adjusting the chairs in your sitting room, where your bed faces, the food you eat, the visitors you receive and how you conduct yourself.

“For example, I enjoy kalo (millet bread), while Elizabeth prefers matooke (bananas). We ensure to have both on the table at each meal,” Nicholas says.

Wafula family hosted Archbishop Ntagali for lunch during his tour to Bukedi Diocese in Masaafu

The couple had to make all the adjustments they could to be able to raise their children, Roselynn, Peter, Philip, Paul, Patrick and Patrobus in the fear of the Lord. The family has been through thick and thin together.

“Through it all, the Lord has kept our bond strong. There was a time Elizabeth lost both her parents in one year,” Nicholas says, “She was grieving so much that I did not know what to do with her. When you are making the vows and saying ‘until death do us part’, the severity of the statement does not hit you until reality strikes.”

Wafula advises couples to continue loving one another. “I love Elizabeth for who she is and what she is. She is a blessing to me and a blessing for the children. If I was to choose all over again, I would still choose my Elizabeth. I love her,” he says.

Wafula lives by a code inspired by a Reverend friend who wrote a book: “Keeping the honey after the honeymoon”.

He adds that for the last 50 years, he has never beaten his wife. In marriage, the hand must not be used to cause pain, but pleasure to your wife, he says. Being patient with each other, forgiving each other and walking in the light have proved to be key ingredients that have kept their marriage going strong.

Elizabeth advises women to actively get involved in taking care of their families, instead of just delegating to maids.

“Although I have househelps at home, I ensure that I cook for my family. Women these days fear masanda (sap) and do not want to get their nails dirty. I always ensure my husband’s clothes are clean and well-pressed. I do not let him leave the house in something I do not like,” Elizabeth says.

Wafula’s first ministry is his family and he ensured that Deliverance Church remains family-oriented.

“We coined a slogan that guides our ministry: God first, family second, ministry third. But I later edited it to God first, spouse second, family third and ministry fourth,” Wafula says.

“These priorities have helped us. God first, Elizabeth second, the children third, then ministry.” He says if the first three are not in order, one would rather not go into ministry.

Elizabeth Wafula having a great time with grandchildren

Christian leaders who neglect their families are just being careless, reckless and using the excuse of ministry to dodge their responsibilities. A pastor’s first ministry should be their family.

Nicholas immensely enjoys being a grandfather and loves playing with his grandchildren. “The beauty of being a grandfather is, you are with your grandchildren during the day and at night, it is their parents who have to contend with them,” Wafula muses.

Elizabeth retired from full-time work at Mulago, where she was heading a college that trains nurses. “Retiring does not mean you are tired. I recharged myself and I am currently working with Clarke University, where I have been since 2008,” she says.

In addition, she enjoys taking care of her large brood of daughters-in-law and grandchildren.

WHAT THEY SAY

Pastor Jairus Mutebe, Ministry Centre Director of Development Associates International

I first met Pastor Nicholas in 1974. I was a young schoolboy at Namilyango College. What stood out for me was how smart he was; always dressed sharply in well-ironed suits. He spoke eloquently, was humorous and always had a wide smile.

One thing that touched me about Wafula that I had not seen with other people of his calibre, was after church service on Sunday as he walked to the park to get transport to his destination, I saw him carry his son in public.

As a church leader and husband, he could have had others do that for him, but he did it himself without cringing. He was a really liberated father. That spoke volumes to me.

Another characteristic of Wafula was the way he never started to address an audience without introducing his wife as ‘Queen Elizabeth, the only one and not the second’.

He would always add that the British have Queen Elizabeth II, but him he has Queen Elizabeth, the one and only. This indicates his commitment to his wife and family as an important value of faithfulness that sustains families, churches, communities and nations.

Wafula is a great and plural leader. He does not monopolise authority, but shares with his team members and before you know it, he hands the baton to his mentees, sometimes when they least expect.

Right from the time he left his teaching job at Gayaza High School, he always mentored and handed authority seamlessly over to the next generation. One can count several times that he has done that. He does not only hand over, but he leaves his successors to succeed without undue influence.

Pastor Edward Kiwanuka, General Overseer, Deliverance Church Uganda

I first met ‘Pr Nick’, as we fondly call him, in 1975 at YMCA, where Deliverance Church was meeting then. He was one of the elders serving with Pr Stephen Mungoma. Pr Nick was pencil thin then, and he looked tough, a serious non-compromising leader.

And he still is. Over the years, I came to know him as a visionary, loving and fatherly leader. He wishes others well and has been a people developer. Wafula is not gifted in music, but sings and loves songs like We are together again and The things I used to do, I cannot do them anymore.

I will always remember his statements — “work yourself out of the job” and “I call a spade a spade and not a big spoon”. Wafula is a big inspiration to me. He epitomises humility, commitment to God and His work. He is a symbol of God’s faithfulness — he laid his career as a science teacher (very well paid today) for the call of God on his life and God has not disappointed.

Elizabeth is a mother to many and very hospitable. It is very hard to leave her home without a cup of tea, even when you are fasting. They are a generous couple.

Pastor David Ndyagenda, Senior Pastor Deliverance Church Kololo

I first met Nicholas in 1977, when I had just got saved. I kept following him. To this day, he has been a mentor to me. He has given me good advice in my ministry journey and family issues.

Wafula is a great and kind man with a large heart. I remember one time I lost my father-in-law. I was in America at the time, Wafula drove all the way to Rukungiri to bury and offer emotional support to my family even in my absence.

His wife, Elizabeth, is kind, motherly and always cheers us up in whatever situation. She always has a word to say in joy, sorrow and will always encourage you.

She is a very strong lady. She will not see wrong and keep quiet. The same with Nicholas; if you are right, he will say you are right, if you are wrong, he will say you are wrong. He does not call a spade a big spoon, but a spade.

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