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LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Dear Counsellor,

Why should my husband’s mother be my responsibility? My mother-in-law is becoming elderly and she regularly comes for specialised treatment in Kampala. 

My husband has siblings in Kampala who are well off and any of them can attend to their mother. 

My husband is the only boy and the heir of his father, and that makes it understandable that she would want to live at our home when she comes to Kampala. 

However, what worries me is that everyone says they are too busy and they think I should cancel my programs (even work) to transport their mother to doctor’s appointments. 

Then on Sunday, her children come and pick her up and take her out to visit other relatives in Kampala. I also have my own mother who needs my help sometimes and none of them helps me. 

How can I let them see that their mother should be their responsibility, without them taking it badly?

Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,

Your mother-in-law traditionally is your husband’s responsibility and by extension therefore she is also your responsibility. However, this should not take away your happiness and rights in marriage.

Medical health care especially for the elderly can be challenging and therefore your husband and his sisters must work as a team with you to look after your mother in “love”. You have done a commendable job so far. 

I encourage you not to give up. However, you need to candidly discuss your feelings with your husband so that you do not get overwhelmed by the responsibilities alone.

Your husband being the only son and heir does not mean that his sisters cannot lend a hand despite their heavy schedules. For instance, they can take turns in taking their mother for specialized treatment. 

Their thinking that you should leave your job is being selfish on their part. You also have your own mother to look after.

You need to discuss this with your husband so that you are able to reach a common stand before he meets his sisters. Should your husband not understand your concerns, you can involve a third party who is trusted by both of you to help you out. Family dynamics especially in patriarchal societies need care and tactic.  

Clemence Byomuhangi,
Mental Health and Psychosocial Counselling Psychologist