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LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

I met the father of my children when I was staying with his sister soon after we had completed our studies at Makerere University. We did our traditional marriage ceremony and moved in together. 

Since my sister-in-law was my friend, I saw no harm in allowing her to continue living with us because she does not have a job yet. All was well until I noticed that my sister-in-law is invading our privacy. 

While we are having couple conversations about our home, or which school to take our daughter to, she jumps in with her ideas - which my husband chooses over mine. 

When I protest, he says he trusts his sister because she sounds more mature. He has threatened me over thinking that he will throw her out on account of me because according to him, blood is thicker than water.

I want out.

Margaret

Dear Margaret,

Your friendship has evolved from that of a normal friendship to an in-law relationship. In-law relationships have been noted to be one of the biggest causes of marital issues if couples do not share their expectations and set boundaries. Setting boundaries with in-laws is an important step in any marriage. 

The behaviour of your friend turned sister in law in not unique as many newly married couples struggle to bond with each other and prioritize their spouse over other family members. 

This bonding requires space for the spouses to learn and adapt to each other. When a family members is living in the said space, issues arise. Like it is in your case.

Your husband and his sister grew up together and already have strong established bonds that interfere with the ability of you as a married couple to bond and create a unit. 

When your husband says your sister-in-law sounds more mature, what does he mean? Is it how she brings up issues or solves problems? Could he have an issue with you that he has yet to bring up? Making comparisons is not healthy, after all, you and his sister are different individuals with different personalities and traits. What is your relationship with your sister-in-law? 

Are you still as close as you were when you were friends? Have you communicated to your sister-in-law that she is overstepping and invading your privacy? She needs to know your feelings about her unbecoming behaviour. 

Your sister may not like it, but you have to tell her with respect and firmness.

For the health of your marital relationship, it is imperative that your sister-in-law find her own place. If she is not able to, could you and your husband support her from a distance like helping her find accommodation and even support her in paying rent for some time.

“Blood is thicker than water” is a common misquote in some instances: “The blood of the covenant sometimes is thicker than the water of the womb,”; meaning that relationships you make yourself; friends, companions, and spouses can be far more important than the ones that you are biologically connected to such as siblings, parents and other blood relatives. 

If members of one's family of origin become a nuisance to his/her own nuclear family, one has to make a choice between the two and set boundaries. 

While familial relationships are important, the ones we seek out and make ourselves are equally important and should not be minimized or dismissed. 

I encourage you to candidly and respectfully share your feelings with your husband about his sister’s behaviour and the possibilities of supporting her from a distance to avoid more pain. Should he not take positive action, or seek support from a neutral third party or from a marriage therapist?

Clemence Byomuhangi, mental health and psychosocial counselling psychologist