This one is a true story. I swear it happened. A woman in Kampala has been admitted to a clinic after she collapsed while reading Saggyâ€™s Wacky World.
Eyewitnesses, who were not available for comment, said the kyana in her mid-twenties burst into prolonged laughter and as on-lookers gazed in utter amazement, she fell down and went into a fit (while smiling!).
Okay, this is not a commercial and if it is, I will pay. The issue is, readers take certain things for granted.
In the western world, people need medical and legal advice before reading certain newspaper columns. So, this is a Warning to everyone reading now: This column may be addictive, may induce laughter and may produce harmful levels of optimism. Side effects include unexpected giggling, excessive shaking and loose dentures. Please consult a doctor if you are pregnant, if you are trying to get pregnant or were once pregnant.
Whatever you do, do not use this column for any purpose other than the intended, including lowering blood pressure, reducing tension and relieving menstrual cramps. Now that you have been sufficiently warned, I know you will think twice before taking me to court (unless you are Ofwono Opondo).
If you notice, I actually have nothing to write about and I have been dragging on just to fill this space.
However, I can see you are enjoying (and stop smiling, you, yes, you!) so I will not stop. Mpozi what am I supposed to be talking about? Warnings. There are a multitude of warnings everywhere you go in this country. Some of them could actually lead to ground-breaking lawsuits and this is the reason many people take this warning seriously.
The other day, I was walking in town with no real direction and then the call of nature struck. I wanted to susu seriously, but there was no bush in sight, so I walked towards this wall and inscribed in bold on it was a warning â€œNO URINATING HERE; FINE 5000â€. well, the call was so strong that I totally ignored the sight, dragged out my 12-inch whooper and sent it on the wall. Before I knew it a lanky KCC chap was fast on my trail trying to harass me. Well, I disarmed him with my humility and before he knew it, I had dragged out a crisp sh10,000 note, handed it to him and even asked him for balance! From then on, I donâ€™t respect those warnings. I urinate anywhere I want and these days, I move with a Greenland bank cheque book just in case I have to pay someone!
On some Uganda Breweries promotional posters thereâ€™s a warning, â€œNOT TO BE SOLD TO PERSONS UNDER 18â€, which in my translation would mean all the people below 18 get their beer on the house!
Legal pundits say though warnings may seen silly (some actually are), mbu they play a very significant role in saving lives and legal expenses. Mbu it is better to be cautious and in this regard, as a responsible citizen of this country, I suggest the following warnings.
At the Uchumi underwear stall; â€œProducts here may be harmful to your reputationâ€.
On Tyson Waragi; â€œConsumption of this product may result into stupidityâ€.
On VP BUKENYAâ€™s office door; â€œThe occupant of this office may look like Mahogany, but donâ€™t be fooledâ€.
On Simon Kaheruâ€™s office door: â€œMy job is hard. Please understand!â€
On the backseat of a car; â€œWearing a seat belt will protect you from an accident, but not pregnancyâ€.
With these warnings in place, Ugandans shall live a happier life.
There will be minimal or no litigation as cases will have more defence.
If you die of laughter after reading this, please do not take me to court because I regret seeing you pull out like my brother OO7.
Ends

Stay home this Valentine’s

Buy a copy of the weekend paper to learn more because this time, home is not boring: it can be the most romantic place ever!

A couple celebrating Valentine’s Day. (File photo)

NewVision Reporter

@NewVision