Okay; What do men want?

By Hilary Bainemigisha 
baihiljoe@gmail.com

My two previous articles about what women want from men triggered an appetite for a female version of what men also want.

Women alleged that I became too yellow on the men, stripping them naked for the men to see yet, according to them, men are more confusing than they are. 

Someone said men seem to want only sex from a woman, but that even when you flood them with it, they will still stray offshore. 

It baffles the women that a man, after an exhausting bout of sex, can rush into the bathroom to call some other girl for more sex, claiming he is starving! If that is true, I concede. 

Women, too, need a Men Users’ Manual. In a woman, men are given a whole forest, but all they want from this forest is timber. Only timber! The lumbering man gets out his chainsaw every time he enters his forest to rush out with the timber. 

He doesn’t even realise that he is missing much more that the forest has and provides. There are edible and medicinal fruits, leaves, barks and roots. There are honey bees, bird eggs and meat animals. 

Not forgetting the cool ambience, freshwater streams, birding opportunities, as well as calming atmosphere from chirping birds and hooting monkeys. 

Think also of the tourism opportunities from the beautiful flora and fauna. Yet whenever the lumbering man sees the forest, he brandishes his chainsaw and ends up imagining that every forest was created to provide timber. 

He returns home tired, to buy mineral water and medicines for his aching muscles. Yet the forest had the fresh water and muscle medicinal herbs and barks — free of charge! But the lumbering man didn’t see them; his focus was on timber! 

The beauty of writing this article is that I am, by birth, appearance, socialisation and naturalisation, a male — both in biology, spirituality and psychology. 

True I used to act as a woman in our single-sex school drama and I also would put on my sisters’ dresses when I was young because they said I looked like a beautiful girl. 

But a papyrus doesn’t become a crocodile just because it lives in water. I don’t need research to let you in on what men want from women. And it is not one sentence as humour mongers allege. So, fetch your pens and paper, it is time to roll. 

Number one; sex: Yes, it is true, we, men, want sex, and a lot of it. Of course, there are exceptions of men who want much more of it. You can bark, wail, howl and call it such fearful names as lust, addiction and hyper-sexuality, but, unfortunately, we did not create ourselves. Can you blame a car for not turning at 90 degrees? You blame the manufacturer! Our biology is furnished with enough testosterone, a key libido hormone whose assignment is to frog jump us — the willing and the unwilling — into female thighs.

Testosterone is essential for sperm production, and ensures that our testes keep producing more until it realises that the rest of the body has died. We thus have enough sperm to behave extravagantly like these rich corrupt guys, spending lavishly well knowing that Ugandans will pay more taxes. The psyche, too, is seated on three vital fi restones; one of which is sexual gratification. Men draw their self-esteem from their sexual prowess. If you want to shoot a man in the heart without a gun, tell him to his face that his gun is rusty.

But if you want to amplify his confidence, play vanquished at zero hours and acclaim him with majestic titles, even if they only refer to dangerous insects like bees and spiders; he will be infl ted! So, yes, give a man sex and let him believe he is good at it and you are halfway there. If you don’t like how he does it, don’t say! If you want better, guide him through actions, not words. If he is your husband, use the protracted opportunity to improve his path into a road, and tarmacked at that. But never tell him his sex is wanting.

Number two; respect: When it comes to our gender perceptions of love, women see it as care, but we, men, view it as respect. Women can thrive with care even when disrespected. But men prefer being respected to being cared for. The Baganda ancestors illustrated this by decreeing that all womenfolk kneel when interacting with men. That is why their women were lavished with goodies. Men evolved to be protectors and providers and they did this in return for respect.

Today, some sugar mummies, rich wives, MPs, ministers and generals make the mistake of giving their men everything except because the men are their dependants, and respect. Men are hierarchical beings; when they are not being acclaimed, even their manhood will fail to look the sun in the eye. If you want the best out of your man, acclaim him in public, recognise his protection and provision prowess and, even in the heat of a fire-spitting quarrel, avoid belittling his imperious ego.

Learn from the Christian prayer, The Our Father: When Jesus was asked by his disciples to teach them how to pray, he provided a two-part prayer. The first part is just praises, no asks (Hallowed be thy name! Thy kingdom come! Thy will be done!). The take-home is that if you want to get something (daily bread, forgiveness, leadership) from a man like God, first praise him ko! 

Number three; fidelity: Listen, all you daughters of Eve, you would rather give your man poison than cheat on him. And if you must cheat, cover your tracks and be stealthy. Men’s esteem, made out of iron and steel, can melt into oblivion on the discovery of infidelity. Last year, we buried several men’s ego with the notorious DNA tests! In a red-handed infidelity situation, men are very dangerous; they kill the intruder and the rest of the men public will applaud.

Even the male-sourced penal code refuses to call it murder; it is manslaughter! Marriage was actually started by aristocratic men, who wanted to be sure that the expected baby was theirs. They didn’t want their fame, booty and wealth to be inherited by someone else’s genes. In pack animals, which can actually smell out their offspring, it is not unusual for a new alpha male to kill babies that aren’t his.

Number four; motherly care: Evolution assigned to a woman the role of production of children, food, comfort and ambiance. Over time, she became empowered by her biology, psyche, socialisation and expectation to perfect her game at this. I know many men who would have preferred to stay single, but, for this, they get a woman.

When our mothers fade out of our lives, we start expecting our wives to take over this care office. And, as we age, men become overly dependent on their wives and can only thrive from their nursing, kindness and care. Give it in bounty, and you will end up with your name in every paragraph of his Will.

Number five; visual impressions: Of all the five senses a man has, sight is the king. Evolutionally, visual cues were crucial for survival, such as ability to identify predators, prey and potential mates. They evolved to be more drawn to and influenced by visual stimuli than other senses because their brains are wired to prioritise visual information.

Their engines crank into life just by seeing, even when they haven’t listened to a woman’s voice, smelled her armpits, touched her skin or tested her saliva. Take advantage of this by being beautiful and shapely; the only man who can resist this combination is …, is …, yes, a dead one. Invest in salon, make-up, hairdos, dressing and boost your privilege if it is bums, hips or cleavage. A rich man once conducted a search for a wife and gave the 10 female candidates five tough questions on brain games, entrepreneurship, mathematics, emotional intelligence and ethics.

When the answer scripts returned, the one called Rose had scored poorly everywhere. She was the last. But he married her because of her 4Bs: Beautiful, Boobs, Bum and Figure! (Sorry, figure doesn’t start with B; feel free to substitute it with Build). Don’t mind the expiry of space, we shall continue from there next week. I will explain value addition, admiration, novelty and children.