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LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

My partner and I have been together for 10 years, but I hate him. He is unfaithful and does not use protection with those other women. I wish he were dead, but I do not want to either be a widow or our children orphans. 

I have tried counselling, but still struggle with anger. What should I do?

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth

It sounds like you're dealing with a very challenging situation. How is communication between the two of you? Have you ever had open and candid discussions with your partner about his behaviour? 

By the time you reach a level of hatred where you are wishing death on your partner, you must take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship and gauge where this will lead you as an individual. 

What does this relationship add to your life? Is he someone you can rely on? Is he a good role model for your children? What values will he impart to them? Do you depend on him for survival? Anger will cause you emotional damage.

It is unhealthy for both your mind and soul to remain in a state of long-term and intense anger as it can cause chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and high blood pressure among others. 

Your mental health is very vital. You are even at risk of sexually transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS as he does not use protection. Have you had an HIV test? Knowing your status will help you make informed decisions. How did you come to know that he does not use protection? Does he have children with those other women?

You are applauded that you've already tried counselling, but if you're still struggling with anger and resentment, are you willing to continue living in a relationship filled with resentment and anger, or do you believe there's a possibility for change? Have you tried to involve significant others that are trusted by both of you?

You need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how his actions are affecting you and your relationship. Reflect on what staying in this relationship means for you and your children.

Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, valued, and safe. Don’t you think it is important to prioritize your own happiness and well-being, even if it means making difficult decisions about your relationship? Think through and make a choice.

Clemence Byomuhangi,
Mental Health and Psychosocial Counselling Psychologist

Infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges a marriage can face, but it doesn't signify the end. To figure a way out, consider the following questions:

For how long has been unfaithful and what proof do you have that he is not using protection?

You wish him dead, you fear being a widow and your children being orphaned and the rage is still on, don’t you think something sinister can be born out of this?

Have you tried to deal with your partner’s unfaithfulness in any way?

Could infidelity be a symptom of other problems in your marriage or something related to your partner's past? 

Did you ever try to establish the reason behind his actions?

Was your relationship born out of love or it was under an intolerable situation like pregnancy and the option was marriage?

To manage the aftermath of betrayal try this.

1. Acknowledge your feelings, which you have already done, then work out how to forgive and repair your marriage to help you rebuild trust.

2. Betrayal can induce anger and your instinct is punishment, so control your anger and never think of revenge, instead focus on healing and moving on as a couple.

3. Manage your physical reactions by taking care of yourself, being busy and thinking of having fun with friends.

4. Avoid blaming your partner, yourself or the third party, it won't change anything but will make you feel helpless.

5. The issue is between you and your husband, so do not involve the children as he is still their father. Let them make their own judgement without you influencing them.

Before making a decision to end your marriage, seek couples counselling from a trusted therapist who will be neutral and can help you gain an insight into what exactly happened and will share your feelings without losing your cool. 

Hopefully, with proper guidance, you will make an informed decision on the way forward.  

Robert Mugenyi, marriage counsellor