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LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Dear Counsellor,

During the COVID-19 lockdown, my former girlfriend ended our relationship and even found a new boyfriend. 

This year, she started messaging me, asking for us to rekindle our relationship, saying she made a mistake. 

I had never had any other relationship after that one.  I do not mind us getting back together, but I'm worried that if she dumped me once, she can do it again. What should I do? 

Peter

Dear Peter,

It is understandable that you are feeling conflicted about your ex-girlfriend reaching out after ending the relationship and finding someone new. 

Your fears and anxieties about her potentially leaving again are valid and approaching the situation with caution is wise. 

You need to protect your mental health and avoid stress, psychological trauma and depression that many young people grapple with during dating and in relationships. Before you take any step, you need to do a lot of soul-searching to find out what is special in this girl. 

Explore her reasons for wanting to reconnect, and understand the reasons that are making you feel you should allow her into your life. Ask her open-ended questions instead of accepting her claim of “making a mistake” at face value, and delve deeper. 

This will help you to understand her motivations for wanting to reconnect. Is it disappointment, loneliness, regret, having no other alternative? Has she changed? Inquire if she has addressed issues that made her leave you. 

This above will give you a clue as to whether she has been able to work through personal challenges or gain new perspectives.

In your case, you need to do a lot of introspection by genuinely finding answers to the following questions so that you are able to explore your own fears, anxieties, wants and needs about this issue: Are you truly over the breakup? Be honest with yourself. 

Are your lingering feelings fueled by genuine love or the fear of being alone? What do you want from the relationship? Do you desire rekindled love or closure? Understanding your own desires will guide your decisions.

Consider potential challenges of trust and communication. Rebuilding trust and open communication is very crucial. 

Discuss past hurts and establish clear expectations for the future. The potential for repeating past mistakes is high. Discuss strategies for healthy conflict resolution and personal growth. 

Consider seeking one one-on-one professional counselling which will provide you with a safe space for exploring your feelings and navigating communication. 

You may also wish to talk to trusted friends or family so that you are able to gain diverse perspectives and support from loved ones who know you well.

Finally, remember the following:

Take your time, do not rush into any decisions. Weigh the pros and cons carefully, prioritize your well-being. Communicate your needs and concerns openly and honestly with your ex-girlfriend. Focus on personal growth regardless of the outcome, and use this experience to learn and grow as an individual.

Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to rekindle the relationship rests with you. By carefully considering your options, prioritizing your well-being, and seeking support when needed, you can make an informed choice that aligns with your values and goals.

Clemence Byomuhangi,

Mental Health and Psychosocial Counselling Psychologist

Rekindling a relationship with your ex can at times be risky, especially if the break-up was toxic. Being the same person, the reasons and the same old annoying habits may surface, so be ready to handle them appropriately if you ever make a decision to reconcile.

Before making any decision, it’s important to make an evaluation, that is, you and her need to answer the questions below.

1. Why did you break up in the first place and are those reasons reconcilable?

2. Since she got involved with another man, have they separated completely or have they just developed misunderstandings and she is taking a break? Won’t your reunion hurt him?

3. What assurance do you have that history won't repeat itself? Has she changed since you split and does she have your desired qualities anyway? In the same vein, do not dwell on the previous mistakes and instead focus on your future relationship. Should you rekindle your relationship, be ready to forgive and forget things your ex did wrong and move on.

4. Do you have insight into who she is today and her reactions in the hard times that may come in your new relationship?

5. Is she ready to change from the mistakes she said she made? Has she apologised? 6. When you imagine your future together, do you see it ending in marriage?

7. Have you consulted your family and friends and sought their opinion about the reconciliation?

Study her, mention your plans and evaluate her level of commitment.

You too need to evaluate yourself and admit your mistakes.

On another note, don’t jump back into the relationship because you are lonely or you don't want to hurt her feelings.

If the two of you decide to give the relationship another go, you should be committed to the reconciliation. Work out what you will do differently to maintain your relationship.

Both of you need to be honest and share your hopes, dreams and expectations in this new relationship.

Robert Mugenyi, marriage counsellor