Should I be concerned that my child prefers babysitter over me?

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Every week, you, our beloved readers, send in your relationship or family-related questions. Both fellow readers and experts share their respective opinions/solutions to your questions, which we publish in the Her Vision section of New Vision.

Here is this week's question:

❝I am a working woman and spend a lot of time in the office. Most times I come home at 8pm. My baby will only come to me when her sitter is not anywhere in sight. As long as she is at home, the baby refuses that I hold her. My husband and I decided to let her share a room with the babysitter from the time she was eight months old. The baby is now two years old. Even trying to re-introduce her into our bedroom has proved a challenge as the baby cries until we return her to the babysitter. I have thought about replacing the babysitter, but she really loves the child and has bonded with her. How can I make this right?

Christianna Mugabi

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EXPERT OPINION

By Clemence Byomuhangi, mental health and psychosocial counselling psychologist

❝Dear Christianna,

It is completely understandable to feel distressed when your child appears to prefer a caregiver over you. Many working parents experience similar concerns, though only a few speak openly about them. From a psychological standpoint, your situation is not unusual, and it does not indicate failure as a mother. Rather, it shows early attachment patterns that can still be reshaped through thoughtful and consistent intervention.

Attachment theory argues that children form their strongest emotional bonds with the caregiver who is most consistently present and responsive to their needs, during the first three years of life. Your babysitter has been the primary caregiver both day and night your child has naturally come to view her as the main source comfort and security.

Sharing a bedroom from eight months of age further strengthened this bond, as nighttime care is one of the most powerful periods for attachment formation. Your child's reluctance to come to you is not rejection, but an expression of attachment-based anxiety.

At two years of age, children are still developing object constancy and the ability to feel secure in relationships even when a caregiver is absent. Long separations during the day, and brief evening interactions can lead a child to associate the returning parent with disruption rather than comfort. Crying when moved away from the babysitter shows fear of losing emotional safety, not a lack of love for you as her mother.

When a child bonds primarily with a non-parent caregiver, confusion can occur. Toddlers do not understand social titles such as "mother" or "babysitter". They respond to emotional roles. At present, the babysitter fulfills the role of comforter, bedtime caregiver, and emotional regulator. You, by contrast, may be associated with absence and transitions.

This dynamic feels painful, yet reversible. If this pattern is left unaddressed, there may be long-term consequences for both mother and child. 

(Read the expert's full opinion, including recommendations for Christianna, in Tuesday's New Vision e-paper HERE on Page 31)