How to tell a child that you are not the biological father

RELATIONSHIPS | FAMILY | PARENTING 

“Disclosing to the child that you are not his father is not easy,” says Cyrus Rod, a senior pastor and counsellor with Dominion International Church, Kasisi. 

This is especially so if you have a good relationship with them. “You hate the idea that you are going to hurt this child who thinks that you are his hero,” says Pr. Rod. “You also dread the fact that perhaps things might not be the same between you two.”

In spite of that, as a parent, it is your obligation to set the record right. “If the child was born in the marital home,” he argues. “It is very important that you call the mother and she discloses the secret to the child.”

If the child was born with another woman, it is still very wise to let her do her due diligence. The woman should ask for forgiveness from the child because she would have hurt her very much.

As the ‘father’, even though you are not at fault, Rod says you should come in to reassure the child that everything will be all right. Rod says sometimes the bond between the father and child can be stronger and it might lead the child not to want to know his other family.

Even though the relationship is good, Rod says that telling the child that he has got a new father whom he should know and that is where he belongs is very crucial.   

“My home is still yours and my role as a father to you has not ended,” Rod advises. “I will still be there for you if you ever needed anything.” The child might resent the idea of sending him or her away but later he or she would appreciate the truth. 

When a father sticks to a child who is not his, Rod says it is selfish. “You will be denying this child the right to know his actual father, siblings and relatives,” says Rod.

On the other hand, Peter Musisi, a City lawyer says that you would prevent the child to miss out on the legal right of the property in case the parents died.

“The law states that the property of parents belongs to the children once they die,” says Musisi, “but if the child is not known by the father at the time when he is still alive, then it means this child will get nothing.

Musisi says the parents should set the records straight before they die. If a father is not sure of the child, he should carry out the DNA to establish the fact.

It is also fair that the actual father looks after his own child. However, if the father who has been looking after the child finds out, Musisi argues that he can ask for compensation from either the liar (wife or woman) or the father.

Once the child has known the truth, Pastor Rod cautions parents to not be surprised if the child begins to react in a certain way like being angry and aggressive. 

“The parent should understand that the child has been hurt and he is trying to vent out his or her feelings,” says Rod.