What should we do when children behave in unexpected ways?

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OPINION

By Jackie T. Baganizi

Recently, a video was shared on a school WhatsApp platform I belong to. It showed a child in a classroom, visibly angry—screaming, throwing books to the ground, and pulling bookshelves down. The child seemed overwhelmed, frustrated, and helpless. The majority of parents who responded were quick to suggest harsh discipline, including beating the child to “put some sense” into her. But I couldn’t help but feel that such reactions, though common, miss the point entirely.

When children display extreme emotions or behaviour, the last thing they need is punishment. What they truly need is understanding, love, and assurance. These moments, though difficult, are a cry for help—a signal that something deeper is going on. If we are willing to pause and respond with patience instead of punishment, we create an environment where healing and growth are possible.

A concept I once came across in a classroom management training changed the way I view children’s difficult moments. It explained that children, especially when they are young, often operate in different “zones” of emotion. When they are calm and receptive, they are in the green zone.

In this state, they can listen, learn, and engage. But when they are overwhelmed—by anger, fear, sadness, or frustration—they enter the red zone. In this state, their behaviour might become explosive, defiant, or completely withdrawn. Importantly, they are not capable of reasoning or understanding logic in that moment. They are in fight, flight, or freeze mode. Reacting to them with yelling, threats, or physical punishment only intensifies their distress and pushes them further into that red zone.

What children need in those moments is for the adult to stay in the green zone—to remain calm, regulated, and emotionally stable. A child in distress cannot find their way back to calm without the help of a safe adult. And that help must come from someone who is willing to slow down, breathe, and respond with empathy and presence.

I’ve experienced this firsthand with my own daughter. There are times when she feels overlooked or disconnected and begins to act out—not because she is being deliberately difficult, but because she’s yearning for attention. She might antagonise her sister, make a mess, or do something outrageous just to get a reaction.

In the past, I would get frustrated and raise my voice. But I’ve learned to pause and ask myself, “What is she really trying to say?” More often than not, she simply needs connection. So I take a moment to play with her, read a book together, or just sit and talk. Almost immediately, her behavior shifts. She feels seen, and the need to act out fades away.

When children are upset, the most powerful thing we can do is to meet them with calm instead of chaos. This doesn’t mean allowing them to do whatever they want. It means setting limits with kindness and offering support as they learn to navigate their big emotions. Children need to hear, “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hurt others or damage things. Let’s find a better way to handle this.”

They also need help developing emotional vocabulary. Giving them words for what they’re feeling—frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed—empowers them to express themselves more constructively in the future. Our modeling matters more than we realize. When we manage our own frustration with grace, we teach them how to do the same.

Structure and routine can also play a vital role in helping children feel secure. When their world feels predictable, they are less likely to act out. But even more important than structure is connection. Children who feel loved, valued, and emotionally supported are far more likely to thrive, even when life gets challenging.

When a child acts out, it is a sign that they are communicating a need they don’t yet know how to articulate. The child in the classroom video didn’t need punishment. She needed someone to look beyond her behaviour and ask, “What’s going on beneath the surface?” That one shift in mindset can make all the difference.

Discipline, at its core, is about teaching, not punishing. And the best teaching happens not through fear, but through connection, empathy, and trust. If we commit to showing up for our children, especially in their most difficult moments, with patience and compassion, we don’t just manage their behaviour. We nurture their growth, their confidence, and their capacity to become resilient, emotionally healthy individuals.