After being married for more than three decades and having counselled hundreds of couples in the course of her ministry, Pastor Jessica Kayanja certainly knows a few things about the institution.

She spoke at Vision Group’s Bride & Groom Expo last June and offered key pointers on what it takes to succeed in marriage.

Pastor Jessica advised that marriage is a beautiful institution but for couples to enjoy the best of it, they need wisdom and effort in equal measure. Having gotten married in her early twenties, she shared that she was both naïve and headstrong.

On the other hand, her husband, the renowned Pastor Robert Kayanja was more laid back than her. This caused some friction in the early days of their marriage as she did not fully appreciate that being headstrong could work against her.

Her parents had instilled in her a strong will that made her opinionated. She liked to debate issues and to speak up at every opportunity even to the point of openly challenging her husband at their common workplace where they both served in ministry. Being a reserved person, his response was to withdraw and get quiet which killed dialogue between the two of them.

She became the spokesperson for both of them even if it was not something she had desired or explicitly sought. She had become the dominant voice in the marriage. It would take prayer and much soul-searching for her to learn to tame herself and hold her tongue so she would not speak out of turn.

Years later, having become a mature wife, Pastor Jessica advises that men desire women who can hold their own but not take over the dialogue and dominate decisions in the home.

It was after much reflection and prayer that she realized that her husband needed honour above everything else. When she began to show respect in ways that spoke to him, their marriage greatly improved and their friendship blossomed.

Speaking directly to women at the Bride & Groom seminar, she said that in marriage, respect is deserved even before it is earned. Women ought to assign respect to their husbands as a given. “By the mere fact that your husband has married you, then as a wife, you ought to respect your husband,” she asserted.

Strength is a virtue but dominance is a sin. Neither husband nor wife should dominate or rule over the other. Marriage is a partnership and not a dictatorship or prison. When couples have shared control of the relationship and treat each other with respect as partners, the relationship thrives. When one party has dominance the goodwill of the relationship dies. She counsels that couples should use their strengths to serve each other and not to rule. Christian marriages are premised on the character of Christ and he was humble. Humility is a required virtue in any successful marriage.

According to Pastor Jessica, whereas couples may have the common aspiration of a happy and fruitful marriage, men and women have unique primary needs that sharply differ for either party. For men, the biggest need is for respect and honour. Men expect their wives to show them respect and honour both within the home and within the marital bedroom. For women, the primary need is to be loved and shown affection. It is only when both partners focus on meeting the primary needs of the other that each can find fulfilment in the marriage.

Love is the greatest need of women. When women get married, they expect affection and companionship. That is one of the ways that they feel loved. When husbands don’t talk to their wives, then the wives will talk to the wrong person just like Eve in the bible ended up talking to a snake.

Love is faithfulness. They do not understand how a husband can say I love you but still cheat on you with someone else.

Love is receiving gifts. All women like to receive gifts. However, Pastor Jessica advises that the gifts should be more sentimental than practical. It’s not so much the cost of the gift that counts but the thought.

If either party selfishly focuses only on their own primary needs, then strife ensures and could lead to irreparable damage in the marriage.

According to Pastor Jimmy Evans, author of the bestselling books “The Four Laws of Marriage” and “Marriage on the Rock” the only way marriage works is if couples serve each other. In marriage neither partner can meet their own needs otherwise they would not have needed to get married in the first instance.

Pastor Jessica cautioned young people against seeking counselling from commercial ssengas and kojjas who tend to emphasise sexual intimacy over all other things. “The same ssenga giving you advice and coaching you on sexual techniques is the same ssenga giving advice to the woman going to break up your marriage,” she warned ladies.

She advised couples to prepare for marriage beyond the bedroom. “Marriage is reality. It’s far more than what the commercial ssenga tells you. Listen to your pastor and prepare for life beyond the bedroom. Be a total wife not just a bedroom vixen,” she advised.

She also advised that couples thinking of getting married should go into it with their eyes open and not gloss over red flags that might signal incompatibility or serious character faults.

According to her, a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. “Don’t enter into a bad marriage if you can avoid it and break off the relationship at the courtship stage,” she warned.

She also answered a number of questions from the audience on issues like dealing with ill health, anger management, infidelity, single parenthood, handling finances and dealing with relatives.

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