What not to do when online dating

These guidelines are for those after a relationship. For people just after hook-ups…sorry :)

1. Post a decent photo. This is so basic, but it is astonishing how many men post photos of themselves looking awful. Seriously. If the only picture you have of yourself is with your mouth half open in mid-burp, or wearing a terrifying wig, or posing drunkenly with a bunch of mates, for the love of god invest in a selfie.

2. Check for spelling mistakes. I mean, come on, people. This is the internet. There is spellcheck. It's really not that hard.

3. Try not to be disrespectful to women. It's fine to state what you are looking for. It is not OK to proclaim that you don't want ‘princesses', ‘drama queens,' ‘chicks with baggage' etc. Firstly, most women don't put themselves into those categories. Secondly, it's just not a good look. Be nice.

4. Don't send someone an initial message if you have no intention of following up. It's just bad manners.

5. If someone sends you an initial message, answer back promptly. If it's a no, it's a no. If it's a yes, then respond. You don't need to be certain that this is the woman of your dreams, but you do need to answer in a timely fashion. No-one feels excited about a response that comes days, or even weeks, after the initial approach.

6. If you have unfinished business with your ex, stay offline. Men seem to be in a terrible rush to re-partner after a relationship ends, and many pre-emptively go online to get the ball rolling before they've even moved out. This is mildly deceitful and not at all fair on the other person, who may be entirely unencumbered and dating with an open heart. Wait until your waters are clear before diving in.

7. Don't send us cut-and-paste jobs. Hi there, thanks for swiping, I'm fit and healthy and love ten pin bowling and know how to treat a lady … No. Just as you would in a job interview, try to personalise it a bit. Use our name. Tell us why you're interested in us. Comment on something in our profile or pictures*. Remember, you're starting a conversation, not making a pitch.

8. Ask open ended questions. It's hard getting a conversation going with a complete stranger — we feel it too! — so stay away from closed questions. "Tell me about your kids" is better than "How many children do you have?" And "What do you like about your work?" is better than "Do you enjoy your job?"

9. Do not talk about sex in the first interaction, unless you are specifically after a hook-up. This means no talk of nudity, or your fabulous sex moves, or your high sex drive, or how hot and sexy we** look in our pictures. Try getting us interested in your personality before trying to get us into bed. At the very least, first take us out to coffee.

10. Never, and I mean ever, start talking about your crazy ex, or your evil ex, or your terrible heartbreak, in the first interaction. They are all red flags. Giant, pulsating red flags. Men with ‘crazy exes' generally made their exes crazy. Men with ‘evil exes' were attracted to them in the first place. And men who haven't recovered from heartbreak are not at all ready for a relationship. Talk about something else.

11. Just don't talk about boobs.