How to build responsible fatherhood

In the run up to Fathers’ Day on June 16, Vision Group will celebrate Fathers’ Week starting today with articles and programmes about responsible fatherhood. Below is an expert opinion.

By Steven Langa

Fatherhood is one of those things that is least talked about in society today. While there are many societal institutions and social networks that prepare women for motherhood, there is hardly any equivalent for men and fatherhood.

It is somehow assumed that men know it all and in the process men become fathers with little or no clue about how to be a responsible father.

It must be understood that while getting a mother pregnant is fairly easy; fathering a child is another ball game all together. Since the quality of fathering that a child receives has a direct bearing on how the child turns out as an adult, many of the negative social problems that society faces today can be traced back to broken or dysfunctional family relationships which are in turn contributed by the poor quality of fatherhood.

Present state of fatherhood:

While we have fathers all around us, a closer look at fatherhood reveals a totally dark picture. It must be noted that there are some fathers who are trying their best to effectively father their children but on the whole, fatherhood today leaves a lot to be desired.

I was invited to a girls boarding secondary school that had behavioural problems. The academic performance had deteriorated and things were getting out of hand. I simply took time and listened to what the girls were saying and spoke to them as a father.

The mood and behaviour in the whole school changed instantly.

The girls began behaving and at the end of that year, the academic performance improved so much that the school appeared in the newspapers among the schools that had perfumed well academically. The biggest cry and request the girls unanimously had was, “Can you please talk to our parents as well?”

From the counseling sessions that we carry out in schools, we have come to discover that many of the problems that the youth face today stem from absent, negligent, noninvolved or simply poor and destructive fatherhood practices.

I have my own theory which I believe in more and more by the day as I observe children and parents. The theory is that parents have the greatest influence on their child and if the parents take the trouble to parent their children using timeless principles, their children will most likely turn out right.

The best parenting manual I know says, “Train a child in the way he should go and when he/she is old, he/she will not turn from it”

To many fathers, fatherhood is simply reduced to providing shelter, food, clothing and school fees. Important as these may be, fatherhood takes much more than that.

The importance of fatherhood

Studies and observation show that there is a void in every child which can only be filled by an emotionally engaged father.

I spoke about the importance of fatherhood in Brazil in 2008 and afterwards a lady, who must be in her late 40’s, came sobbing towards me and said, “I lived with women all my life and never knew or had a father… in my early 20’s I married a man who was 25 years older than me.

He died and now I am remarried to this man here” as she pointed to the man who stood next to her. “I feel that I miss a father figure in my life, is there any hope for me?” Fatherhood is so central to our being that not even marriage or other relationships can substitute it.

For girls, a positive and continuous relationship to one’s father has been found to be associated with a good self-concept, higher self-esteem, higher self-confidence in personal and social interaction, higher moral maturity, reduced rates of unwed teen pregnancy, greater internal control and higher career aspirations. 

Fathers who are affectionate, nurturing and actively involved in child-upbringing are more likely to have well-adjusted children.

Universal among girls and women is a longing for the father’s affirmation and affection.  Girls who suffer from father deprivation grow up feeling very unsure about their femininity and self-worth and are constantly looking for confirmation/affirmation by attracting attention and praise.

They try to fill the father gap in inappropriate ways such as becoming pregnant as they turn to men for the hug they never had from dad, in extreme cases, some may turn to the dark underworld of prostitution.

The way many of our girls dress and behave in society today is a confirmation of the deep longing for a father’s affirmation.
 

Boys, just like the girls, also need the father’s affirmation. This similarly helps them to go out in life with confidence and “ready to conquer the world” from a balanced, well-adjusted and positive standpoint. 

The boys who do not get the father’s honor and affection, will go out and look for them in the wrong places such as performance, achievement, work, money, position, sporting prowess, and fame.

Others feel so much emotional pain due to lack of the affirmation of a father that they sometimes become emotionally numb. Others turn to violence and crime, sex, drugs, alcohol and will be apply domestic violence against women because of the emotional pain brought about by fatherlessness.

Types of fatherhood:

The best fathering regime to follow is one that is engaged with the children and that which combines  lots of love and discipline. The authoritarian type and the docile father who lets children get away with things they should not get away with, are both not recommended.

Qualities of a responsible father:

The “engaged father”, who will be a responsible father must have certain minimum characteristics such as:

i.   Secure in his manhood

Fatherhood is deeply rooted in a man’s manhood. The understanding of a man’s manhood is what sets the tone of his husband-ship, fatherhood and will set the tone of things in the marriage, family and in his fatherhood.

A man’s manhood is something that is derived from his relationship with his Maker. That is what defines a man’s manhood. A man cannon be “self-made” as we often hear but rather he derives his manhood from “being” what his Maker has defined him to be.

That means that manhood is not derived from a list of things that men are supposedly supposed to be or to do.

That means that a man’s manhood is determined and defined from his Maker and in this way, it is determined and defined once and for all and it is settled for ever. It is unchanging, unchangeable and does not depend on anything else in this world.

When a man understands this about his manhood, he will realise he is a man “under authority” and because of that, he will know that he has to act responsibly in all his relationships as a husband, father and responsible person in society. 

This is because he will know that his manhood demands that of him.

On the other hand, If a man does not understand this, and instead derives his manhood from a list of things which his culture, peers, Hollywood or society determines men must be like or do, then you have a man with unstable manhood based on things and parameters which are subjective, change with moods, time, circumstances, places etc.

The trouble is that when a man derives his manhood from these changeable factors, his resultant behaviour tends to destroy the close relationships that he has.

And yet when he is under authority, he has the capacity to become as a great relational man the kind that wives with vote, “husband of the year” and children, “the daddy of the year”.

ii.    Man of character

One of the greatest things that a father can give to his children is to be a man of character.  Who you are as a father is usually passed on to the children whether you are aware of it or not. There are important character traits that are helpful for fathers to have. They are; being a promise keeper, being consistent, being faithful and loving the mother of your children.

iii.    Leading by example
Demonstrating what you want the children to learn is a great asset, since experts say that children learn 80% of what they learn from parents by observation not by lectures and reprimanding.

Some tips for responsible fatherhood:

i.    Put your family first in your priorities
ii.    Be committed to your marriage
iii.    Be faithful to your wife
iv.    Show love and care to your wife and children. This included accepting each family member for who they are rather than for what they do or not do.
v.    Be a good listener and make yourself approachable to every family member. Having a one on one time with every child is highly recommended.
vi.    Clearly define the rules or boundaries so that everyone understands and enforce them consistently
vii.    Have a relationship with your Maker and let your children know it and see it
viii.    Support the family in every way including emotionally
ix.    Never quit even when challenges come. Every challenge can be overcome or handled
x.    Take responsibility for your mistakes and own up and apologise where necessary whether it is to your spouse or child. This helps children to take you as a human being and will trust you more and will be willing to take your instructions more seriously.

How to start becoming responsible

For men who feel that they want to start moving in the direction of becoming responsible fathers, the following is recommended: -

i.    Evaluate your present rating as a father. If necessary, gain the courage to ask your spouse or your very children. They have a good and accurate rating of your fatherhood.
ii.    Determine what you need to do to improve your rating as a father. Then make a plan of how you are going to address or improve your fatherhood.
iii.    If you feel that you need help, find someone or some people you trust who can hold you accountable on your fatherhood. People who will ask you the hard questions.
iv.    If you feel that you need help, that is fine. A wise man will seek help, if he finds that he needs it. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness but rather of courage and responsibility. After all none of us knows it all and moreover one of the worst killers of good fatherhood is the spirit of “I know it all”.
v.    This is a matter over which prayer can be very helpful. After all it is said, “The key to being a better parent and spouse is to be a Godlier person.”

Thought

What will it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his children?

Conclusion

Although responsible parenting is rare today, if we take the trouble to take our fatherhood seriously and apply the never changing and “battle-tested” principles and values we will not only enjoy the joy of fatherhood but we will help our children turn out right even in this challenging world that we live in today.

The writer is a counsellor
stephenlanga@gmail.com