Divorce on the rise

SUNDAY VISION

This year, 32 couples have divorced — a number that is more than double compared to last year’s 12. At this rate, the family unit is under threat, Carol Natukunda writes.

The number of couples seeking divorce is on the rise in Uganda. Statistics obtained from the High Court Family Division show that 32 couples have already called it quits only half way into 2013. This is up from 12 couples who divorced last year. The numbers of divorce have, however, been inconsistent over the last five years.

In 2009, a total of 21 couples divorced, while in 2010 and 2011, the numbers stood at 43 and 42 respectively. In an interview with Sunday Vision, the acting registrar and inspector of courts, Margaret Mutonyi attributed the trend to infidelity. She explained that contrary to common beliefs that a lot of people divorce over greed for property, most of these couples had irreconcilable differences, following an affair outside the marriage.

 “Many people cannot tolerate adultery. It is not about the property, it is because they have been hurt. We have also had cases where the spouse has already moved on to start a new life with someone else. You feel you cannot continue,” Mutonyi explains. It is estimated that five out of seven petitioners of divorce are women.

Mutonyi observes that with the emancipation, Ugandan women have now become empowered to speak out and make decisions for themselves. Even for most men, she says, it is traumatic to continue in a practically nonexistent marriage.

“The immediate step a man takes when he finds his wife cheating is divorce. It is two way. Unfaithfulness hurts. And by the time one comes to court, they have tried the church and relatives to intervene in vain. They come with a decided mind; it is over.”

Sources in the judiciary attribute the 2012 decline in divorce rates to the Children and Family Courts handled by grade one magistrates. These professionals partly helped in counselling and sensitising spouses to resolve conflicts. This move was introduced in 2011. However, with new reports showing the rise in HIV infection rates, a lot of Ugandans are now scared of taking any chances, a source disclosed.

“Even with counselling, someone swears, I cannot die of HIV, because of this unfaithful man or woman,”  says a source. Sunday Vision has learnt that the most of the divorcees are young people who have been married for a short time. “They fall in love with the beauty of the person without knowing the character. Young women are excited about the wedding without studying the person. Why spend millions of money on a wedding when you are going to divorce tomorrow?” Mutonyi wonders.

She blames the trend of unfaithfulness to poor upbringing. “Men are sleeping around with girls before marrying them. The next thing, he discards you and goes for another. There is no respect at all, and morals are lost.” In the past, she stresses, couples used to be stable in their marriages, because parents were involved to ensure that their children’s marriage works. This virtue was passed on from one generation to another.

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

Once the case has been concluded, the court offers counselling for the divorcing couple. Court seeks to cool tempers down and offer the  way forward in terms of custody, and access to the child. And it has worked, according to Mutonyi. “Before I move out, I need to be free. If one of you takes custody of the children, what about issues of welfare and access to the children by the other spouse who moves on?

 We realise that much as there is a healing on the top, but bleeding continues inside for every bruised relationship,” Mutonyi says.

DIVORCE AND SEPARATION

Unlike divorce, a legal separating  does not put an end to the marriage. It enables the couple to live separately, but remain married. During the time the two are living apart, the court issues an order that outlines the rights and responsibilities of each spouse, which might include child custody, support and visitation schedules. “The advantage of a separation, say for about six or so months, is that it allows you time to think and see if you are really ready for a divorce,” Mutonyi says. In the event, that the couple reconciles, then there is no divorce.

HAS THE MAN BEEN NEGLECTED?

Rev. Peter Matovu, the director of Munnange Counselling Centre at Nkumba University calls for the need to provide counselling and guidance sessions to both boys and girls from a much younger age, so that they grow up knowing how to respect relationships.

Beatrice Nandawula, the director of the Makerere Guidance and Youth Centre agrees: “We tend to focus on girls: do not do this, you will get pregnant, make sure you become a good wife, but how many times do you hear a boy being told that he must be a good husband?” Nandawula asks. He adds that society has ignored men, and assumed that they will automatically appreciate marriages, which is not the case.

“The woman might have been counselled, but with empowerment, she reaches a point and decides she cannot die in a marriage in the name of being a good wife. So do we ensure the men are brought up to become good husbands? Men need to learn that marriage is about equals.”

WAY FORWARD

Mutonyi calls for the need for  families to play role models for their children, saying when parents are not living together, chances are high that it will go on in their children’s marriage. Quoting the biblical verse of 1Corinthians 13, Mutonyi says marriage is about love and fear of God, not tolerance. Mutonyi also calls for the need for reconciliation before it is too late.

Is the family under threat?

Divorce simply means the demise of family, according to Stephen Langa, the executive director of Family Life Network. Langa notes that society is not sexualised, and a lot of people think they can “play with fire thinking it will not burn them.” He explains that if we are having more numbers of children brought up in divorced families, they might not be able to cope with lack of parent support.

“Sometimes people take the family for granted. You have your siblings, your parents, and everything. But the moment they are no more, you see things falling apart. Some people commit suicide because of failing relationships and lacking a sense of belonging,” Langa says. He further explains that a family shapes how we relate in future, ranging from our spouses, to our colleagues at work or friends at school.

“You cannot give the world what you did not receive. The cradle of civilisation, morality, ethics and behaviours all come from the family. A family is a building block of society,” Langa says, stressing that family breakdowns are, therefore, an enormous threat to future generations.