Beware the Killer Cat

My life is in danger. I live in mortal peril. On any night, I may succumb to the beast that haunts my home. You may be hearing the last of me.
 
A Whole Cat: My relationship with the resident cat deteriorated rapidly when we moved house. We used to live (the cat, myself and my house­mates) in a home with a garden spacious and verdant enough for her (it’s a tabby) to indulge her wild side without resorting to the moles­tation of humans.

She could skulk in the bushes, stalk and pounce on frogs and lizards and whatever sort of bush rat lives in Ntinda gardens and do this all day. So by the time she saw us humans all her inner violence would be expended. She would just walk in the house, eat the food we had bought her, and walk out again.

No Love Lost: Now, I was never tyts with this animal. It is a cat. Cats can be very unlovable: they are smug, demanding and dismissive at the same time...

The only way I have ever gotten to be fond of a cat was when it made the first move. It is easier to respond positively when a kitten approaches you cutely. This is the basis of most cat-human relationships.

This cat and I, however, met when we were both adults and so I regarded it as a harmless and inoffensive piece of mobile furniture and it, in turn, regarded me as a mere, ki-human just there.

A Mere Human: Then we moved to this new house. It has no yard and she is having trouble adjusting.

Suddenly thrust into a strange new world, not knowing where or why or for how long, and unable to find out because she cannot speak English, Luganda or Runyankore, the pri­mary languages of our household.

And she did not know where to poop either, to compound her distress. Where They Go: If you don’t have experience with cats, let me explain that cats typically prefer to poop into the soil and then bury the evidence.

This is what makes people believe that they are clean animals. If there is no soil, the cat can be provided with what is known as “kitty litter”, a basket of specially formulated gravel that has deodorizing qualities. The desired result is the cat can find relief, and you don’t smell said relief.

It doesn’t always work: At least not with this cat. This cat has faeces so smelly that they defeat the kitty litter.

In the other house we didn’t realise how vile her dung was because she always left it outdoors, but now that she craps in the basket inside, it is painfully evident. I foresee nosebleeds.

The solution is obvious: If you all leave the cat locked indoors when you go for work, you will return to a bouquet of cat-turd, the house saturated. So you should lock her outside before you leave. It was for attempting this that I received this scratch on my forearm this morning.

Don’t Mess With Me: My workmates tell me that even a small domestic cat is capable of killing a grown human being if I don’t give it want it wants. The scratch was probably just a warning.

If I ever try to lock it out of what it considers its new house again, I could pay with my life. So if you don’t hear from me next week, you know where to start investigations.

First published in Discovery Magazine (Sunday Vision) March 23, 2012:
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