I would pay to watch Golola the comedian

By Joseph Batte

The entire country rooted for him. When he lost, the massive support has since spurn in a totally different direction. Since that fateful night, collective opinion is of the view that ‘Moses Golola of Uganda,’ would do himself a huge favour if he retired from kickboxing and became a stand-up comedian!

What is most surprising is that it is his most ardent fans that have turned against him. Others, like local artist Phina Mugerwa, are even challenging him to a fight.

“In my life, all I pray for is to meet Moses Golola in the ring. This dude was just wasting our time. He sugarcoated his lies, making us look like idiots and we believed him. He has now been found out that he is all mouth and no pants!”

She adds: “He will never beat any worthwhile opponent with those empty threats he keeps making. I’m going to train seriously and challenge him for a fight in the ring. I think I’m the only person who offers him a chance of victory.”

Tired of Golola’s motor mouth and incessant bragging, a 60-year old veteran martial artist called Black Power also came out of retirement to challenge The Hot Temper to a duel. He promised to teach him a lesson and make him choke on his words.

Depressing time to be a Golola fan indeed. Mugerwa is a rail-thin woman that Golola can easily send sprawling on the floor with one slap across her face. Let’s get real. Black Power is a grandfather well past it.

How has it come to this? Who is to blame for the fans’ angry reaction? Of course it is Golola. He just can’t shut up, can he? He promised to ‘break the Hungarian’s tongue,’ thump him into submission until he grew breasts that would secrete blood instead of milk. Right?

trueHe also promised to drag him through the slimy, sewage-laden Bwayiise channel, batter him until he grew a uterus before changing his white skin color to black! Right?

He did not want to leave room for excuses that he did not eat enough,’ so he stuffed himself with huge mountains of food which he washed down with huge jugs of juice in front of TV cameras! Right?

Come the fight night. When the bell went ‘ring, ring, bum bum’ (as he called it), the mammoth crowd that turned up to cheer him must have got the impression that they were watching a street fighter from the village, not a kickboxer.

Golola initially attacked his opponent like a charged bull. Strangely, every time he kicked out at him, it was he who instead dropped on the floor like a sack of beans. By the third round, the Ugandan fighter who bragged about having a ‘PhD in resisting pain’ cut a sorry figure on the floor where he lay writhing in pain.

Apparently, he had injured his knee. Next day it was swollen like a club! He was taken to hospital for check up. After examination, the doctors concluded that the defeat he suffered at the hands of the Hungarian was actually self-inflicted as it was caused by his calamitous eating prior the fight in the previous days!

The doctors explained that the mountains of food that he wolfed down prior to the fight had sucked all the lubricating fluids out of his knees!

Ugandans worship heroes, but when they fail to live up to their expectations, they quickly disassociate themselves from them. Since then very few have spared a drop of sympathy for Golola. Attention has now turned to Ronald Mugula.

Golola has plunged from hero to zero and become a butt of some hilarious, but spiteful jokes. On the streets, the name ‘Golola’ now stands for an idiotic, mouthy person with unrefined manners of a village-bred joker! Yet, truth be told, you can’t mention kickboxing in Uganda without mentioning the name Golola.

Why the loud mouth?

Golola paints himself as a fast track bully who comes up with these outrageous claims but strictly from a business point of view, we should understand that his verbal tirades and hilarious jokes are all part of a posturing act. It is called showmanship.

Together with the chest-thumping, they are a clever marketing ploy aimed at drawing the attention of the fun-loving, hero-worshiping local fans to his fights. And it works, especially for local promoters, who know how to make money and have always known that if you want to become an instant millionaire, Ugandans often offer good prey


Why Golola will never beat a well trained kickboxer

Whereas many fans were left feeling sick in the aftermath of his defeat, I was least surprised. Think logically. Yes, his ferocious expletive-laden rants can perhaps scare the hell out of local opponents, but specifically in terms of tactics, he is no match for a well trained kickboxer like Ronald Mugula. Against a formidable opponent he will always be an embarrassment.

He needs a good kickboxing trainer to teach him the art and dietician to show him what to eat. Case in point. How can you train in the cold hills of Kabale, yet your fight will be staged in the warmer conditions of Kampala city? And, after a hard day out in the hills, you wind down by gulping huge mugs of porridge? Golola tried to live up to the saying Gava mukulya (Food is the source of energy) but in the end it was his downfall.

Stand-up comedian

Judgments have been made. The defeat has now been consigned to the history books, the road ahead is what matters. The big question is: What next for Golola Moses of Uganda? Another professional fight right now is out of question. Very few will turn up.

Perhaps his defeats should be the start of another exciting chapter in his life: probably a new career as a stand-up comedian. He has the confidence, the composure, the sharpness and the perfect face for comedy. His speech is full of punch lines and jokes.

Golola cracks me up with the forceful voice and unique brand of English expression. He makes the lamest jokes sound very funny. His greatest ability is to coin words and phrases spontaneously.

Have you heard his silly jokes about kicking River Nile out of Uganda and being the reason why the Sahara Desert exists? And then there is the other one about his capability to have a woman pregnant by just staring at her!

Golola will not only bring the house down every time he steps on stage, he will have a flying start as he has already cultivated a name for himself.

That said, stand-up comedian, kickboxer whatever you think of him, Golola Moses of Uganda will always be a hero in the years to come. He will be celebrated as one of our great eccentrics on the Ugandan sports scene that rose from working as a shamba boy, askari to being the greatest marketer of kickboxing - a sport that was hardly known in the country. But as far as heroes are concerned, Ugandan have got a new one. He is called Ronald Mugula.