Culture disorganising our plans
Mar 06, 2009
Dear Aunt Liz,<br>In Kenya, we have a saying that if you love someone, that love will always lead you to their home. My boyfriend is Ugandan and according to his Kiganda culture, he dictates where the wedding will be. According to my kikuyu culture, the
Dear Aunt Liz,
In Kenya, we have a saying that if you love someone, that love will always lead you to their home. My boyfriend is Ugandan and according to his Kiganda culture, he dictates where the wedding will be. According to my kikuyu culture, the man comes for you at your mother’s house the day you walk down the aisle.
My fiancée doesn't think of a wedding in Kenya because he wants to please certain members of his clan. I think if he expects fireworks in the holy of holies, then he has to please the provider of the fireworks and not the clan.
Frankly, I love the guy but I am giving up on him because if he loves me, like he says, he will respect and keep my culture till I am officially Ugandan. Please advise.
Dear,
The issue of culture and marriage seems to take the better part of you. Issues to do with culture can distort any rational mind. Both of you seem to have strong cultural beliefs and attitudes that you hold dear and I must say, you have a right to do so.
However, when it comes to marriage, flexibility and open mindedness are required. You need to acknowledge that the conflict actually exists. While you are finding it hard to go by your boyfriend’s culture, he too is facing a similar challenge. This has made the whole issue look like a competition, yet it shouldn’t be the case. Remember that when you get married, his culture will be yours and yours will be his.
It may be true that it is a non-negotiable issue about your culture, but finding out his opinion shows that you respect his view. You indicated that you love each other. What better way to prove it than by respecting and appreciating each other’s culture. Relationships tend to work at an individual level.
It is important you talk to give you a clear mind and make the preparations less stressful. Let him know it is important for you to respect your culture. Picking you from your mother’s home doesn’t mean the wedding has to be in Kenya. You can agree on other arrangements even when it may inconvenience you, as long as you agree on this. It may even cost you more, financially. When you plan in advance, you feel less of the pinch. Take courage, it is possible to strike a compromise, you don’t have to give up before you try. This will only make you live with regret. It is a journey that you have begun, don’t hesitate to take the first step. Brace yourself for the challenge, you can find a common ground.
Aunt Liz is a professional counsellor
In Kenya, we have a saying that if you love someone, that love will always lead you to their home. My boyfriend is Ugandan and according to his Kiganda culture, he dictates where the wedding will be. According to my kikuyu culture, the man comes for you at your mother’s house the day you walk down the aisle.
My fiancée doesn't think of a wedding in Kenya because he wants to please certain members of his clan. I think if he expects fireworks in the holy of holies, then he has to please the provider of the fireworks and not the clan.
Frankly, I love the guy but I am giving up on him because if he loves me, like he says, he will respect and keep my culture till I am officially Ugandan. Please advise.
Dear,
The issue of culture and marriage seems to take the better part of you. Issues to do with culture can distort any rational mind. Both of you seem to have strong cultural beliefs and attitudes that you hold dear and I must say, you have a right to do so.
However, when it comes to marriage, flexibility and open mindedness are required. You need to acknowledge that the conflict actually exists. While you are finding it hard to go by your boyfriend’s culture, he too is facing a similar challenge. This has made the whole issue look like a competition, yet it shouldn’t be the case. Remember that when you get married, his culture will be yours and yours will be his.
It may be true that it is a non-negotiable issue about your culture, but finding out his opinion shows that you respect his view. You indicated that you love each other. What better way to prove it than by respecting and appreciating each other’s culture. Relationships tend to work at an individual level.
It is important you talk to give you a clear mind and make the preparations less stressful. Let him know it is important for you to respect your culture. Picking you from your mother’s home doesn’t mean the wedding has to be in Kenya. You can agree on other arrangements even when it may inconvenience you, as long as you agree on this. It may even cost you more, financially. When you plan in advance, you feel less of the pinch. Take courage, it is possible to strike a compromise, you don’t have to give up before you try. This will only make you live with regret. It is a journey that you have begun, don’t hesitate to take the first step. Brace yourself for the challenge, you can find a common ground.
Aunt Liz is a professional counsellor