Would you marry the man your friend dumped?
Jan 22, 2009
CYNTHIA often wished her best friend Linda, well. And she knew that Noah was a good man, too. But matters of the heart have a way with destiny. Instead, Linda, settled for a downtown guy a childhood sweetheart.
By Irene Nabusoba
CYNTHIA often wished her best friend Linda, well. And she knew that Noah was a good man, too. But matters of the heart have a way with destiny. Instead, Linda, settled for a downtown guy a childhood sweetheart.
Of course Noah was heartbroken and Cynthia tried hard to bring them back together but in vain. So she gave him a shoulder to cry on.
Fortunately, he got a scholarship abroad. She felt relieved of the guilt she was carrying on behalf of her friend. “It will do him good,†she thought and wished he could get a good girl since he is a good guy, too.
Three years later, Cynthia received a call from Noah. He was back in town and wanted to talk to her. “I prayed that he would not ask me about Linda.
She was married and expecting her second baby. I did not want to be the one to break the news,†she says.
However, much to her surprise, Noah knew everything about Linda and wanted to move on. “He wanted to hit it off with me,†she says.
“Well, I admired the way he treated Linda. He is respectful, thoughtful and passionate. Not that I had a ‘thing’ for him then, but now that he was available and interested, it gave me butterflies in my stomach.â€
“Besides, not only had he added ‘value’ to himself, the ‘foreign’ weather had done him a lot of good. He looked better, mature and charming. I found the proposition irresistible,†Cynthia says. So, she gave in and decided to share the great news with Linda.
What surprised her most, however, was that Linda was very angry with the development.
“She said if I really respected our friendship, I would not consider dating her ex. I found it mean.
She was happily married. It was not like I was grabbing her man. The only sin is we met through her,†Cynthia says.
Why then would Linda be angry, I wondered? Why would it even bother her.
Annet Kirabira, a counsellor, says every choice has a sacrifice. Cynthia cannot have both her friend Linda plus Noah.
“There is an unwritten rule that ‘my enemy is your enemy when it comes to dating’.
“To most people, marrying your friend’s ex is betrayal,†Kirabira says. Remember you shared secrets, most likely about the person you are falling for.
There could also be some ‘ghosts’ in the closet that one imagines you are going to reveal to their ex. “There is also that feeling that you were probably seeing each other behind their back and it is never too late to feel angry or jealous about it,†she says.
“However, the fact that one’s ex is still unattached gives comfort. There are some things you still miss about the person that you would not wish anybody else to enjoy, at least not your close friend.â€
It could also be looked at as revenge.
“What if he is using you to get at his ex? That is common, especially among men,†she argues.
Most people break up in anger, but eventually, they cool down. For a friend, the rule is clear, ‘hands off my ex’, especially if they are still friends.
“Well, it may also depend on the level of the friendship, but the middle person has to weigh their options,†Kirabira explains.
So, would you blame Linda or Cynthia for the decisions they made?
A psychiatrist’s point of view
Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist with the New York Presbyterian Hospital, says people can be very territorial about past relationships, “laying claim†to a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially if they knew that person first.
“Most people know the awful feeling of breaking up. They hope that their ex does not find somebody else. Or, if he does, they hope he secretly continues to pine for them.
Only if someone feels guilty after having blown someone off, is that person glad and relieved when their ex finds someone else!†Saltz says.
He says one’s friend might not be happy in her marriage and might be wondering why she couldn’t make it work? In some ways, she feels like her friend took something from her.
She might also say: “My friend can be happy as long as her happiness doesn’t detract from mine.†This is immature, but it is common in relationships that are not intimate.
CYNTHIA often wished her best friend Linda, well. And she knew that Noah was a good man, too. But matters of the heart have a way with destiny. Instead, Linda, settled for a downtown guy a childhood sweetheart.
Of course Noah was heartbroken and Cynthia tried hard to bring them back together but in vain. So she gave him a shoulder to cry on.
Fortunately, he got a scholarship abroad. She felt relieved of the guilt she was carrying on behalf of her friend. “It will do him good,†she thought and wished he could get a good girl since he is a good guy, too.
Three years later, Cynthia received a call from Noah. He was back in town and wanted to talk to her. “I prayed that he would not ask me about Linda.
She was married and expecting her second baby. I did not want to be the one to break the news,†she says.
However, much to her surprise, Noah knew everything about Linda and wanted to move on. “He wanted to hit it off with me,†she says.
“Well, I admired the way he treated Linda. He is respectful, thoughtful and passionate. Not that I had a ‘thing’ for him then, but now that he was available and interested, it gave me butterflies in my stomach.â€
“Besides, not only had he added ‘value’ to himself, the ‘foreign’ weather had done him a lot of good. He looked better, mature and charming. I found the proposition irresistible,†Cynthia says. So, she gave in and decided to share the great news with Linda.
What surprised her most, however, was that Linda was very angry with the development.
“She said if I really respected our friendship, I would not consider dating her ex. I found it mean.
She was happily married. It was not like I was grabbing her man. The only sin is we met through her,†Cynthia says.
Why then would Linda be angry, I wondered? Why would it even bother her.
Annet Kirabira, a counsellor, says every choice has a sacrifice. Cynthia cannot have both her friend Linda plus Noah.
“There is an unwritten rule that ‘my enemy is your enemy when it comes to dating’.
“To most people, marrying your friend’s ex is betrayal,†Kirabira says. Remember you shared secrets, most likely about the person you are falling for.
There could also be some ‘ghosts’ in the closet that one imagines you are going to reveal to their ex. “There is also that feeling that you were probably seeing each other behind their back and it is never too late to feel angry or jealous about it,†she says.
“However, the fact that one’s ex is still unattached gives comfort. There are some things you still miss about the person that you would not wish anybody else to enjoy, at least not your close friend.â€
It could also be looked at as revenge.
“What if he is using you to get at his ex? That is common, especially among men,†she argues.
Most people break up in anger, but eventually, they cool down. For a friend, the rule is clear, ‘hands off my ex’, especially if they are still friends.
“Well, it may also depend on the level of the friendship, but the middle person has to weigh their options,†Kirabira explains.
So, would you blame Linda or Cynthia for the decisions they made?
A psychiatrist’s point of view
Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist with the New York Presbyterian Hospital, says people can be very territorial about past relationships, “laying claim†to a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially if they knew that person first.
“Most people know the awful feeling of breaking up. They hope that their ex does not find somebody else. Or, if he does, they hope he secretly continues to pine for them.
Only if someone feels guilty after having blown someone off, is that person glad and relieved when their ex finds someone else!†Saltz says.
He says one’s friend might not be happy in her marriage and might be wondering why she couldn’t make it work? In some ways, she feels like her friend took something from her.
She might also say: “My friend can be happy as long as her happiness doesn’t detract from mine.†This is immature, but it is common in relationships that are not intimate.