It takes tact to handle a polygamous affair
Sep 16, 2009
I have been advised not to talk about the M-M (Museveni-Mutebi) crunch. So, let us talk about it. If I was such a coward, I would have kept mum about the M-M crunch and the grass that suffered when the elephants settled it out of court. But I am not a co
I have been advised not to talk about the M-M (Museveni-Mutebi) crunch. So, let us talk about it. If I was such a coward, I would have kept mum about the M-M crunch and the grass that suffered when the elephants settled it out of court. But I am not a coward and that is why my participation in the M-M crunch was limited to monitoring and uttering intellectual observation.
But like threats from our Parliament, my scientific observations had no effect whatsoever, to the extent that 164 voters rioted their way to Luzira. And while the riots are now old, there is a lot to learn from them.
Whenever you pass a polygamous compound, well trimmed, swept and flowers beautiful, do not assume that peace is their middle name. There is more than meets the eye. Usually, a man who decides to marry a second wife does not expect ululations from wife number one. And number one knows that while she may not stop the husband from increasing the family size, she can make noise to ensure that she retains certain rights or, at least, authority in the sharing of the rights as the main wife.
The onus of order in the home remains with the husband who is the sole cause of the polygamy crunch and who must play his politics well. When he asks the main wife not to visit the new wife’s home without her permission, the main wife may riot because as far as she is concerned, that is equating her with the new comer. The M-M crunch cannot be avoided before she gets used to the fact that the home now has to be shared. And, maybe, hers is a perfectly natural reaction.
So, what does the husband do? The English call it ‘carrot and stick’. But if they had asked me before coming up with strange metaphors, I would have advised them to name it ‘meat and whip.’ The husband has to use meat rewards to motivate wives into accepting the status quo and whip threats to enforce discipline. Sharing a compound, especially the one on the husband’s groin, is not easy. But society holds the husband accountable whenever wives flare up.
And society is right. No wife (or girlfriend for that matter) can attack another unless she has an assumed backing from the main man. A man who is stupid enough to report his wife’s inadequacies to his other wife or girlfriend may create an impression that he is fed up of the main wife and is actually looking for a replacement — not a wife’s partner. The girlfriend is most likely going to participate in chasing the wife away through such clandestine ways as spreading rumour of her presence as a shareholder, sending love messages during the time she knows they are together or physically attacking her on the phone or in the streets.
So whenever a girlfriend sends love SMSes at midnight or attacks the main wife, I blame the husband. He has to play his politics well to leave all shareholders satisfied (meat) at the same time letting them know that there is no forgiving those who trespass against others (whip). Without a stick, polygamy cannot work. If you want to get rid of the stick, you get rid of polygamy.
And if you are the main wife, there is natural anger at your husband’s efforts to weaken your position by bringing in new wives. But as long as he is your husband, society expects you to accept and adjust for the sake of a harmonious environment in which our children must grow. If you cannot, you quit the marriage and look for monogamous men. If you stay, beware of the stick in the corner of the bedroom.
Apparently, my well thought-out opinion does not go down well with fellow members of the glass (no tot packs please). They said someone is deliberately putting alcohol in my beer: “A stick and marriage do not work in modern times,†they added. But that is because they did not ask some questions: In this part of the world, do courts work? Why are NSSF thieves still shopping at Nakumatt? Do people respect neighbour’s property? Why were vehicles torched?
So say I: Spare the rod, spoil the child. Sorry, that was not me; it is the Bible.
But like threats from our Parliament, my scientific observations had no effect whatsoever, to the extent that 164 voters rioted their way to Luzira. And while the riots are now old, there is a lot to learn from them.
Whenever you pass a polygamous compound, well trimmed, swept and flowers beautiful, do not assume that peace is their middle name. There is more than meets the eye. Usually, a man who decides to marry a second wife does not expect ululations from wife number one. And number one knows that while she may not stop the husband from increasing the family size, she can make noise to ensure that she retains certain rights or, at least, authority in the sharing of the rights as the main wife.
The onus of order in the home remains with the husband who is the sole cause of the polygamy crunch and who must play his politics well. When he asks the main wife not to visit the new wife’s home without her permission, the main wife may riot because as far as she is concerned, that is equating her with the new comer. The M-M crunch cannot be avoided before she gets used to the fact that the home now has to be shared. And, maybe, hers is a perfectly natural reaction.
So, what does the husband do? The English call it ‘carrot and stick’. But if they had asked me before coming up with strange metaphors, I would have advised them to name it ‘meat and whip.’ The husband has to use meat rewards to motivate wives into accepting the status quo and whip threats to enforce discipline. Sharing a compound, especially the one on the husband’s groin, is not easy. But society holds the husband accountable whenever wives flare up.
And society is right. No wife (or girlfriend for that matter) can attack another unless she has an assumed backing from the main man. A man who is stupid enough to report his wife’s inadequacies to his other wife or girlfriend may create an impression that he is fed up of the main wife and is actually looking for a replacement — not a wife’s partner. The girlfriend is most likely going to participate in chasing the wife away through such clandestine ways as spreading rumour of her presence as a shareholder, sending love messages during the time she knows they are together or physically attacking her on the phone or in the streets.
So whenever a girlfriend sends love SMSes at midnight or attacks the main wife, I blame the husband. He has to play his politics well to leave all shareholders satisfied (meat) at the same time letting them know that there is no forgiving those who trespass against others (whip). Without a stick, polygamy cannot work. If you want to get rid of the stick, you get rid of polygamy.
And if you are the main wife, there is natural anger at your husband’s efforts to weaken your position by bringing in new wives. But as long as he is your husband, society expects you to accept and adjust for the sake of a harmonious environment in which our children must grow. If you cannot, you quit the marriage and look for monogamous men. If you stay, beware of the stick in the corner of the bedroom.
Apparently, my well thought-out opinion does not go down well with fellow members of the glass (no tot packs please). They said someone is deliberately putting alcohol in my beer: “A stick and marriage do not work in modern times,†they added. But that is because they did not ask some questions: In this part of the world, do courts work? Why are NSSF thieves still shopping at Nakumatt? Do people respect neighbour’s property? Why were vehicles torched?
So say I: Spare the rod, spoil the child. Sorry, that was not me; it is the Bible.