Fathering from a distance
Jun 27, 2008
You are not married to the mother of your children. Or, for circumstances beyond your control, you don’t live with your children.
By Susan Muyiyi
You are not married to the mother of your children. Or, for circumstances beyond your control, you don’t live with your children.
This shouldn’t stop you from staying in touch and playing an active role in their lives. Availing yourself to walk your daughter down the aisle or to give a speech at her graduation ceremony should not be the only special occasions you share.
Granted, making your presence as a father felt from a distance is no piece of cake, but it is achievable, as Richard Kamukama, a teacher discovered.
Kamukama did not foresee the difficulty of staying in touch with his daughter when the relationship with her mother ended. First, there were the custody woes.
“She knew how much I love my daughter and tried to use the separation as a weapon against me. I, however, reported the matter to FIDA. I have visitation rights and I am very actively involved in my daughter’s life. I have a say in which school she goes to and I am aware when she is ill. I have also disciplined her on several occasions,†Kamukama, a father of three, adds. He would not let another man raise his only daughter and it all starts with the desire to be there, he argues.
Annette Kirabira, a counsellor with Rheema ministries, says couples who split should remain on good terms for the sake of the children. “All the other complexities can be overcome.â€
In cases where a father is depending on the goodwill of the mother of the child, formal custody is needed. You have the right to be involved in the child’s life.
Being a father from afar necessitates both creating a bond and handling discipline issues within a limited time frame. Kirabira gives the following advice.
* Minimise conflict with the mother of the child. Discuss with her why you need more time with the children and issues pertaining to school.
* Avoid angry outbursts when the children are watching should you disagree on something while in their presence.
* When your time with the kids ends, hug them and tell them how much they mean to you.
* You have to make time to connect with your children. Attending school meetings is one way of getting involved.
* Take turns staying with the children during the holidays.
* Remember their birthdays and other important days of their lives for example when they perform in school plays.
* Take interest in their friends and other activities like games that they enjoy.
* The time you spend with them shouldn’t be used to talk about their mother’s shortcomings.
* At a certain age, they will start asking questions as to why you don’t live with them; answer as honestly as possible.
* Affirm that even though you are not with their mother, you don’t hate them and that they had nothing to do with the separation.
* Avoid spoiling them by overwhelming them with toys and trying to be too nice. You have to take discipline seriously.
* Always remember that being part of their lives, and not financial support will strengthen your bond.
You are not married to the mother of your children. Or, for circumstances beyond your control, you don’t live with your children.
This shouldn’t stop you from staying in touch and playing an active role in their lives. Availing yourself to walk your daughter down the aisle or to give a speech at her graduation ceremony should not be the only special occasions you share.
Granted, making your presence as a father felt from a distance is no piece of cake, but it is achievable, as Richard Kamukama, a teacher discovered.
Kamukama did not foresee the difficulty of staying in touch with his daughter when the relationship with her mother ended. First, there were the custody woes.
“She knew how much I love my daughter and tried to use the separation as a weapon against me. I, however, reported the matter to FIDA. I have visitation rights and I am very actively involved in my daughter’s life. I have a say in which school she goes to and I am aware when she is ill. I have also disciplined her on several occasions,†Kamukama, a father of three, adds. He would not let another man raise his only daughter and it all starts with the desire to be there, he argues.
Annette Kirabira, a counsellor with Rheema ministries, says couples who split should remain on good terms for the sake of the children. “All the other complexities can be overcome.â€
In cases where a father is depending on the goodwill of the mother of the child, formal custody is needed. You have the right to be involved in the child’s life.
Being a father from afar necessitates both creating a bond and handling discipline issues within a limited time frame. Kirabira gives the following advice.
* Minimise conflict with the mother of the child. Discuss with her why you need more time with the children and issues pertaining to school.
* Avoid angry outbursts when the children are watching should you disagree on something while in their presence.
* When your time with the kids ends, hug them and tell them how much they mean to you.
* You have to make time to connect with your children. Attending school meetings is one way of getting involved.
* Take turns staying with the children during the holidays.
* Remember their birthdays and other important days of their lives for example when they perform in school plays.
* Take interest in their friends and other activities like games that they enjoy.
* The time you spend with them shouldn’t be used to talk about their mother’s shortcomings.
* At a certain age, they will start asking questions as to why you don’t live with them; answer as honestly as possible.
* Affirm that even though you are not with their mother, you don’t hate them and that they had nothing to do with the separation.
* Avoid spoiling them by overwhelming them with toys and trying to be too nice. You have to take discipline seriously.
* Always remember that being part of their lives, and not financial support will strengthen your bond.