My daughter is too shy
Apr 09, 2006
DEAR Jamesa, My five-year-old daughter is getting more and more shy even while with her age mates. On her last birthday party when her turn came to sing to friends, she just burst into tears, hence spoiling the whole mood. Jamesa, I feel she needs our help, but I don’t know how to do it.
Parenting - Wagwau Jamesa
DEAR Jamesa, My five-year-old daughter is getting more and more shy even while with her age mates. On her last birthday party when her turn came to sing to friends, she just burst into tears, hence spoiling the whole mood. Jamesa, I feel she needs our help, but I don’t know how to do it.
Vicky, Kampala
Dear Vicky,
Shyness is a common, but little understood emotion among adults and children. We all feel shy at certain point in life, especially when faced with an unfamiliar social situation.
Extreme self-consciousness and social sensitivity trigger off shyness. Shyness sets in when you evaluate yourself subconsciously against imaginary social standards and you perceive yourself as ‘unworthy’ in the presence of others.
Although shyness cuts across all ages, children may be vulnerable to it at particular developmental stages.
Waren Jones and Stephen Briggs in their book, Shyness: Perspectives on Research and Treatment state that children become shyer at the age of two. This is because brain development at that age increases the child’s self-awareness and brings social sensitivity.
The more she grows, the more self-conscious she becomes and by the age of five, she has the capacity to not only feel shy, but also feel socially embarrassed.
Have you noticed that your daughter is not as comfortable with being seen naked, as she was when she was two? This discomfort is caused by increase in self-consciousness, which peaks during early adolescence.
What causes of shyness among children?
There is growing evidence that some children are more predisposed to react to new social situations with shy behaviour than others. Some psychologists have also established that shyness can be learned from the child’s family environment. Zimbardo and Radl in their book The shy child: A Parent’s Guide to Preventing and Overcoming Shyness mention that many children remain shy to fulfill their parents’ prophecy against them.
By labelling your child constantly as ‘shy’ you reinforce the shy behaviour. Your parenting style too determines your child’s ability to socialise. Ideal parenting is not about shielding the child from life’s challenges, but giving her skills to face them.
Is shyness that bad?
It all depends on how we look at it. It is true that shy children lack social skills and are less competent at initiating play or social interaction with peers, but it shouldn’t subject the child to condemnation. As one writer puts it, “shyness is not who we are, but something we feel while we do the things we do.†While shyness challenges us, it doesn’t have to rule our lives. Vicky, this is something you can help your child deal with.
Lets share some tips:
Involve your daughter in activities that tap her strength and compliment her for every achievement.
Encourage her to find her own solutions to problems and reward her efforts.
Avoid harping the ‘hymn of shyness’ down her ears. Shy children are very sensitive to sharp criticism. It makes them feel that people are out to judge them at all times. It is tempting to force her out of her shyness, but this never works. It is better to create a comfortable environment that lets her social personality develop naturally.
Like others, shy children too want to belong. Build your daughter’s self-confidence by accepting her and allowing her to be herself. Till next week.
jwagwau@newvsion.co.ug
0772-631032
DEAR Jamesa, My five-year-old daughter is getting more and more shy even while with her age mates. On her last birthday party when her turn came to sing to friends, she just burst into tears, hence spoiling the whole mood. Jamesa, I feel she needs our help, but I don’t know how to do it.
Vicky, Kampala
Dear Vicky,
Shyness is a common, but little understood emotion among adults and children. We all feel shy at certain point in life, especially when faced with an unfamiliar social situation.
Extreme self-consciousness and social sensitivity trigger off shyness. Shyness sets in when you evaluate yourself subconsciously against imaginary social standards and you perceive yourself as ‘unworthy’ in the presence of others.
Although shyness cuts across all ages, children may be vulnerable to it at particular developmental stages.
Waren Jones and Stephen Briggs in their book, Shyness: Perspectives on Research and Treatment state that children become shyer at the age of two. This is because brain development at that age increases the child’s self-awareness and brings social sensitivity.
The more she grows, the more self-conscious she becomes and by the age of five, she has the capacity to not only feel shy, but also feel socially embarrassed.
Have you noticed that your daughter is not as comfortable with being seen naked, as she was when she was two? This discomfort is caused by increase in self-consciousness, which peaks during early adolescence.
What causes of shyness among children?
There is growing evidence that some children are more predisposed to react to new social situations with shy behaviour than others. Some psychologists have also established that shyness can be learned from the child’s family environment. Zimbardo and Radl in their book The shy child: A Parent’s Guide to Preventing and Overcoming Shyness mention that many children remain shy to fulfill their parents’ prophecy against them.
By labelling your child constantly as ‘shy’ you reinforce the shy behaviour. Your parenting style too determines your child’s ability to socialise. Ideal parenting is not about shielding the child from life’s challenges, but giving her skills to face them.
Is shyness that bad?
It all depends on how we look at it. It is true that shy children lack social skills and are less competent at initiating play or social interaction with peers, but it shouldn’t subject the child to condemnation. As one writer puts it, “shyness is not who we are, but something we feel while we do the things we do.†While shyness challenges us, it doesn’t have to rule our lives. Vicky, this is something you can help your child deal with.
Lets share some tips:
Like others, shy children too want to belong. Build your daughter’s self-confidence by accepting her and allowing her to be herself. Till next week.
jwagwau@newvsion.co.ug
0772-631032