Children act out their anger

Jul 31, 2005

Dear Jamesa, My older daughter does not like her eight-month-old sister. when I shout at her, she instead slaps the baby, saying “don’t disturb me.” How can I go about this problem without offending her?<br>Stella, Parent

Dear Jamesa, My older daughter does not like her eight-month-old sister. when I shout at her, she instead slaps the baby, saying “don’t disturb me.” How can I go about this problem without offending her?
Stella, Parent

Dear Stella,
Parenting is challenging and interesting. Every stage of your child’s development presents new challenges. Children learn communication skills from their parents. Shouting humiliates and lowers children’s self-esteem.
Unlike adults, children do not speak their anger, but act it out.
Since your daughter cannot express her anger to you, she is hitting at your baby, who is a weaker target.
Perhaps she believes the best way to punish you (for shouting at her) is by slapping your baby. Have you ever wondered where she got the words “don’t disturb me?” It is your mode of communication that she must have adopted.
You have not cited her age, but if she is around four, then she might have absorbed a dose of your shouting and “don’t disturb me” song for over three years! By slapping the baby, she is making you reap what you have sowed.
Your older daughter might also be feeling that the baby is receiving too much attention. The attention she used to receive before the baby was born, has diminished and she desires to recapture it.
In her infant mind, she sees the baby as the cause of her loss of attention, care and love.

Recommendations:
l Do not shout at or threaten your older daughter. Talk to her calmly, she will listen.
l Make her understand that you still care by creating more quality time for her. A hug, a peck on the cheeks, or words like “I love you, baby” would do wonders in building your intimacy with the child.
Do not make her to believe that all your attention and care belong to the baby.
l Criticise the mistake not the child. Say “slapping others is bad, do not do it,” not “if you slap my baby, you stupid goat, I’ll smash your big head.” This pattern of communication sets a bad example and lowers your child’s self-esteem.
l Do you sometimes slap your older daughter? You must first learn how to handle your anger before you help your daughter handle hers. As a parent, you should always be ready to learn and grow together with your child. l You must work at cultivating a harmonious relationship between your children. Your daughter has a clear perception of unfairness despite her age. If you show favouritism, your older daughter will understand and she might not forgive you. No child is better than the other, love your daughters equally.
Consider your older daughter as a human being who needs your love, care and attention.
Just like you make mistakes in your parenting, give your daughter a chance to learn from her mistakes.
If you show you love, respect and value her she will reflect similar attributes towards your baby.
Stella, be a good example, the change must begin with you.

jwagwau@newvision.co.ug
077631032

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