MOSES Okuraja, who works in Dubai, organised a fact-finding workshop at Oasis Hotel in Dubai on why many families are falling apart because of the increased level of menâ€™s infidelity. No women were invited. This was to enable the men express their views freely. Below are the excepts:
Okuraja: Why do women consistently and continuously accuse men for being at the forefront of cheating?
Prakash Philip, married: Men cheat for three reasons; the availability of willing women, just for the fun of it and unhappiness in a relationship.
Okuraja: What do you mean? Can any one explain Prakashâ€™s views?
Okuraja: Arenâ€™t we missing the point? I thought cheating men are the ones who nose around for a woman to cheat with.
Ahmed Zia, polygamist: Women who are willing to get involved with married men set the stage for us to venture in auxiliary relationships. These relationships are mostly for sex, with the understanding that anything further than that is not possible.
Okuraja: Zia, you are married to three wives, why would you cheat when you have variety?
Zia: You are right, but cheating men cling onto what they have at home because they are possessive and may have put a lot into another relationship. Rarely does a man leave his wife for another woman.
He may break up a relationship and stop calling, but most married men go back to their wives. However, if the wife finds out he is cheating, it is up to her to accept him back or not.
Okuraja: Women are very emotional. Being cheated on puts them in a position to lose their self-esteem because they are more vulnerable to be hurt. It takes a strong woman to stay up during emotional situations, up to the task of feeling confident. Could this perhaps be the major reason why women make themselves available to cheating men?
Samson Kabila, married: The vulnerable woman thinks she needs to have a man to reassure her of her worth even if he belongs to someone else. She will set a night aside for him, knowing that he is married but she needs to be in the arms of a man. Such women do not expect anything in return.
James Bright, father: Men cheat because of women who are available in times of need. Men may think of a relationship as purely physical and that is okay with them. Some say they are married, knowing that the statement will not make a difference in the sexual attraction.
Okuraja: So, would one be right to argue that women simply need to work on their self-confidence to deny the intending cheaters the chance to cheat with them?
Paul Kamau, single dad: If less of the women with low self-esteem were available, maybe men would not cheat. However, because of the emotional make-up of women, men continue to cheat.
Okuraja: It is widely believed that men cheat for fun. Does this hold water?
Jacobs Wiggs, fitness instructor: To understand why men cheat, compare it to the good feeling of going off a weight-loss programme and allowing yourself a bowl of ice cream. It is fun to have access to something that you have been denied. Women mature faster than men psychologically and take responsibility for their feelings. But men like to have fun. Look at their attraction to sports well into their older years.
Okuraja: But arenâ€™t you reducing men to inhumane and unserious creatures who simply take sex for fun?
Okuraja: Most men who cheat claim they are unhappy. Can a man create happiness with his spouse without gallivanting?
Muhammad Akbar, divorcee: When a man leaves after a heated argument with his wife, more often than not he is headed to another woman who will not stress him.
Okuraja: What is wrong with your wife finding out about your financial challenges, achievements or failures?
Akbar: There is nothing wrong with that. But if I have a financial problem and the only consolation is to turn to my wife for sex and she turns me away, what do you expect me to do? Once she finds out that I am cheating, something should ring in her mind that I am unhappy.
The fact that I can no longer reach her for sex, means I have found my satisfaction elsewhere. Eventually, I resort to coming back home late to avoid arguments.
Okuraja: Women often blame themselves when their man is unhappy. Why?
Collins, married: Because they think they are supposed to be relationship specialists and their job is to keep a man happy. When a man is unhappy, they think it is something that they have done.
Okuraja: Keeping a man from cheating is not the womanâ€™s job and she is not totally responsible. It takes two to make a relationship work. If your man is cheating, the two of you should seek counselling.
Peter Mermeto, engaged: I agree with Prakash. Women today are more liberal when it comes to who they allow to touch their bodies for pleasure. Their willingness to cheat with men who are already in relationships seems to be a sign of the time. In fact, some women look for married men because they do not want to get involved in a serious relationship.
Adebayo Olakide, bachelor: From my experience, this desire to have fun is more prevalent when it comes to cheating because I am more physically bound to sex than many women. I often cheat.
Infact, most women are in a relationship for love and the emotional part of belonging to someone who cares about them. Even the women who cheat with married men are looking for love, but do not divulge their true feelings thinking they may lose the man.
Wiggs: Of course not. But all men who cheat are usually fun-loving. When cheating, they are not thinking about who will get hurt. Men who cheat are always out with their friends and it is easy for them to get a girlfriend.
The man who cheats will not tell the woman that he is married because he thinks he is entitled to fun. He is, however, smart enough not to let his wife find out because he must have a home to go back to.