By Alex Balimwikungu
ALL Kampala girls are biased, dating them is a waste of time, a friend said the other day. And it is not the bias you and I are perhaps thinking of. Apparently, all the girls are â€œbuy-us-ed,â€ he spelt out. He had been on many dates, but the girls have turned out the â€œbuy-usâ€“thisâ€, â€œbuy-us-thatâ€ type.
His dates often lasted as long as the chap roasting chicken wings and pork had not closed shop. When it turned to beer, they never saw brands, but beer. Even later when he asked for Caesarâ€™s dues in lieu, he was replied with the standard: We-need-to-study-each-other first retort before he got frustrated and gave up.
Tired of being treated like a provider rather than a lover, he quit chasing women. He just purchases and has no regrets.
You cannot blame him. Go to Kyaddondo Rugby Grounds, the latest dating address, and you will get the drift. Chances are you will land on a group of smartly-turned out girls having fun in a corner and a group of equally eligible men eyeing them, but keeping a safe distance.
Why? Because most corporate Ugandan girls have shown that money can say more in a minute than the most eloquent lover will ever say in years.
Menâ€™s phonebooks now have tycoonâ€™s names ranging from Aga Sekalala, Basajjabalaba BMK, Kirumira, and Sudhir et al. When asked how you know so many tycoons? You can easily claim, â€œSudhir owes me money.â€ Be sure, word will go round and you will become the hunted.
The womenâ€™s needs are also way above what their mothers ever fathomed. They live in a fantasy. â€œMy man has to be tall, dark and handsome. He should have cash to spend on me and my friends and must have a fancy carâ€¦â€ the list is endless.
How I crave for those days when dating was magical. Unless you were a dumb sufferer, a few coins and pick-up lines that dwelt on â€œifâ€ would land you a lady with a body like an hour glass!
â€œâ€¦If someone was to write a story about my life, the climax would be when I met you...â€ â€œâ€¦ If I could change the alphabet, I could put U and I together foreverâ€¦. or rather stillâ€¦ If looks could kill, you would be a weapon of mass destruction...â€ You were immediately christened honey.
Even plain lame lines like; â€œâ€¦My love for you is like diarrhoea, I cannot hold it inâ€¦â€ prompted comments like: â€œKyokka you and Will Smith are funny!â€ Most importantly, their hands reached for their money purses at the time and shared bills.
Not today. Ugandaâ€™s emancipated girl knows what she wants. Take her on a date and she will preach â€˜freedomâ€™, but the underlying reality could actually mean freebies.
You invite a girl for a date and she shows up with a support group in these hard economic times. Even when you have the financial muscle, you discover these girls go to the bathroom together, laugh the same way and always hover around like hyenas so you can forget about unleashing the serious love lines you have in mind.
You can also be forgiven for thinking some of them are weaned on Tusker Malt Lager, Smirnoff Ice or Red Bull. Suggesting a bar that has â€œhappy hourâ€ is an abomination. You will never see them at Steak Out on a Tuesday when Bell Lager costs sh1,500.
Any romantic guy has to take his lady out for a dinner treat, they often remind you. And it is not at Lumbe or Kembabaziâ€™s. It is Russian, Japanese, Chinese, Lebanese, Indian or Korean restaurants. Heed her pleas and you discover dinner with the average Ugandan girl can be annoying.
Some women will order the most expensive item on the menu only to discover the Russian beef stroganoff does not match Sulaâ€™s Rolex in Wandegeya.
They will toy with the food before finally abandoning it as you watch in horror. A few hours later, they will have the audacity to remind you to branch off at Wandegeya so they can get Rolex on their way home!
The next time a lady asks: â€œWill you take me out?â€ I have a reply: â€œOnly if you can take me inâ€ (no pun intended).