IN modern soccer, you donâ€™t just kick the ball towards your opponentâ€™s goal. You also have to fake major injuries. With the ball heading for goal, you pray for a hair-thin brushing with an opponentâ€™s leg so that you can hurl yourself dramatically to the ground, wriggle and clutch your leg (if you remember which leg is supposed to be in pain).
You must also remember to scream that the referee should get you a priest to administer the last sacrament immediately, or at least call for an ambulance.
And when a referee chooses to ignore you, well, bad day! You get up and continue playing. Soccer players have learnt the politiciansâ€™ motto: â€˜If you try and donâ€™t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lieâ€™.
And in all other games where balls and scoring are involved, it is more or less the same script. The guy who turns up in a Prado 2000 model and proceeds to receive ghost calls discussing big business can easily turn out to be a kanaabe.
The woman who is wetting your shoulder with tears over some romantic complaint may be holding pliers behind her back. All these are romantic divers. In good faith, you award a penalty and allow them to score. Later, you look at the video replays laughing at you in the face and wonder who created these human beings.
As long as it is clear that you have oil which people want, it becomes very difficult to discern which romantic move is genuine.
The biggest risk wealthy people, the beautiful and those in power have to live with is the flood of diving strikers. But unlike soccer where the referee has a few minutes to make a decision, these people have time to test the suitors and suitoresses. And most often, they still pick up the wrong partner.
Wealth, beauty and status are a juicy piece of meat. Vultures, kites, crows, hyenas and politicians will want to associate with that juicy meat. Some will plead, others will Ronaldhino through the defences, some will use their experience like Zidane and others will dive like Ronaldo. Ask MP Susan Nampijja Lukyamuzi, the youngest beauty on the power block, how many are diving to grab a piece of her flesh.
The biggest disadvantage of wealth, status and beauty is the strikers they attract by the droves. Well, that is not a disadvantage. Problems come in when among these strikers, you cannot tell the sheep from the goats. You give the most convincing, (usually the most dramatic diver) your vote and after drinking from your cup, he doesnâ€™t know what else to do with it.
Excitement wanes and if you are not lucky, he will even forget the cup he has fought hard to take outside in the cold. Then you will wish you had given it to someone else. In short, those whose status elevates them into the most wanted have big battles to fight to retain their goal scorers.
And the battleâ€™s intensity is usually proportional to the number of times the striker had to dive before he could be awarded a penalty. Actually, I have quite a few more points to make, but I am sick of this topic.