ERNEST BAZANYE'S BAD IDEA
My column last week was a roaring success. In one stroke I solved a third of Uganda's youth unemployment problem and increased tourism revenue by a measure so large Mr Mutebile is still counting it.
I did this by talking about how the youth can get involved in tourism by feeding the lions. Yes. Those who get eaten are no longer part of youth unemployment and, or courses, Uganda winds up with healthier lions. Win win.
Today I am going to turn my attention to giraffes.
Wild n’ Out: Giraffes are famous wildlife and the sight of them is much coveted in tourism. But statistics show that you don't get a lot of repeat business from them. This is because giraffes are, in actual fact, boring.
I mean, they look spectacular, all long and graceful and elegant, heads so high and lofty, but they don't really do much.
Training: We need to empower local giraffes with skills and talents that will make them interesting enough to pull hit crowds. I have a few suggestions.
Martial Arts: Giraffes today just lope around the Savannah lackadaisically munching on trees like long-limbed millennials. They are supposed to be wild animals but really. Really. Really. How wild is a giraffe?
We need to make them more dangerous and violent but in a way that doesn't compromise their natural appealing points (i.e. length of limbs and necks) or hone in on lion territory.
I suggest Kung Fu. Giraffe kicks would be tremendous and spectacular and no American, Dane, Briton or other tourist would be able to resist buying another ticket to return to Ugandan to watch a giraffe Jet Li.
I know what you are thinking. Where do the unemployed youth come in? Well, of course it would be inhumane to pit the giraffes against each other. We are not savages. That's like dog fighting and cock fighting. That's primitive and barbarian.
No. We will have the youths dress up as ninjas and get pummeled by the giraffes. To great acclaim.
Design: Another item on the giraffes SWOT list of appealing qualities is the distinctive markings of its body. These orangish black pumpkin colour coordinates have been admired and emulated by fashion fans all over the world for centuries.
Don't you think it's time we scaled up? Okay, okay, we get it. Black marks on a vaguely orange base is nice but we have been doing this same thing for too long.
The Slay Queen Again: If you have seen the slay queens on Uganda social media and it really defeats the purpose of you haven't, you will know how adept they are at applying colours and shades and designs on hair and eyebrows. Imagine what they would do if you gave them a whole giraffe to work with.
I once saw a slay queen with sparkling eyebrows. They had little reflecting crystals embedded in the hairs. Imagine if this innovative slay queen were given a larger scale canvas to work on. Imagine a glittering giraffe!
We would end up owning half the yen in the world all because of all the Japanese tourists who cannot help themselves but compulsively fly to Kabalega each weekend to see the latest.
Finally: let's take full advantage of the long neck by training the giraffe to be the one holding the selfie stick. I don't need to elaborate on that. Because if you don't know what a selfie stick is, do NOT Google it. Your life is fine the way it is.
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