As a wedding looms, so do the worries, excitement and uncertainties

Oct 10, 2020

The following reflections are intended to guide an effort of detangling a set of emotions, thoughts, beliefs, practices and mixed emotions surrounding this phenomenon.

RELATIONSHIP | DATING | MARRIAGE 

This article is being prepared to attempt to begin or expand both public, and private conversations about what happens to the couple as the wedding looms. 

The following reflections are intended to guide an effort of detangling a set of emotions, thoughts, beliefs, practices and mixed emotions surrounding this phenomenon.

In every culture, the prospect of a young woman or man, marrying, is anticipated with great expectations.  The meaning of marriage is sown with threads and fabrics that are particular to each culture, influenced by the touch of religion, highlighted by the role of the social economic class, and financial ability, but most importantly by the power of culture.

As we try to understand why a couple, especially the bride, and in a unique way, the groom, experience a range of emotions as they prepare for their wedding, we have to be alert and appreciative of all these dynamics. 

From a cultural and anthropological perspective, a marriage is a rite of passage, declaring the maturing of two young people.  In their mutual desires with community encouragement, do step up and individuate themselves.

A bride declares her full womanhood by getting married and also thereby bringing together the union of two families, with a prospect of expanding love and progeny for the groom and his family. 

For the groom, with gender specific developmental tasks, is expected to step up and get married as another declarative statement of being mature, and ready to settle down. 

This also brings with it many cultural narratives that are part and parcel of what it means for a male to declare their independence and establish their own household.

 The expectations are both high at individual, peer, family and community levels.  Yet, and because it is such a humongous step, with infinite responsibilities, the young couple are ceremoniously assisted by their families and the community to prepare for it and be launched into marriage life.

Here in lies the communal part that relates to individual couple's decision to wed. 

For, as it is experienced, that the wedding is no longer an event for individual persons that form the couple, but rather a range of activities that are engendered by the two families both nuclear family, extended family, set of friendships and the surrounding communities.

In its simplicity, the cultural and anthropological aspects of a marriage are at once personal but also uniquely individual and nurtured, and nourished by the community.  This aspect is also full of significant stressors and pressures on the couple. 

The burden of these great expectations can take its toll. For the bride to be, the fears and worries about the event being prepared and executed fully to her satisfaction may be parallel to or uniquely different from the concerns of the groom- to be. 

Additionally, the wishes and desires of the family's groom to-be can at once be calming or extremely unnerving. 

While the cultural protections of taking on the wider responsibilities of preparing the wedding should be at the family wide and community level, clashes in wishes may emerge.

This is where and when, it is important for both parties to respect each other, be mindful of the values that the couple to-be brings to the table, but also the values of the elders on both sides. 

We live in an extremely peer pressure-, surrounded environment where other people's dreams and expectations could be imposed on the wedding plan of a couple to-be.

Here the firm, steady and nurturing leadership of elders becomes crucial for both sides.  It is also important to prioritize that what is important and reign in the unexpected demands while ensuring that the couple to be, is happy and not too distressed.

The next significant factor should be described as social economic status driven by the economic wellbeing of the groom to be and the bride to be, as individuals but also as members of their own families of origin.

As we know, life is expensive in Uganda, and particularly around weddings. Unfortunately, as the years have gone by, all sides, propelled by the desire and belief of having a dignified event, feel the economic pressures. 

Again, it is here that the wisdom of elders and guardians, as well as peers to the couple to- be, should be of significance in reigning in the likely prospect of cost overruns and significant financial pressures. I am sure that this is an issue that is debated deeply and widely across different sectors of our country as it relates to a couple's capacity to host the event.

What should not be lost in discussions, is the reality that while the wedding is an important event that launches the couple to be, it also leaves significant financial strain on both sides of the family.

Additionally, great caution should be taken to help the couple avoid getting into debt even as they prepare to begin their new life.

For those that are financially comfortable, and for whom financial planning can be done consistently, planning for a wedding should be done with as much as advance notice as possible.

Indeed, young couples that have the opportunity to discuss finances even before they get married and establish consensus are in good shape for later being able to manage their finances responsibly and with as minimal distress as possible.

Consequently, the economic impact of the event, should be fully untangled for the parties involved to ensure that the event is within the economic means of the couple, the family and the community.  

The management of finances is probably the biggest predictor of how well a couple eventually reconciles their individual differences and formulates a united approach to money. 

How we eventually grow up to manage money is very much predicated upon to upbringing and the early exposure to money in general, the development of good spending habits and stewardship, and the essential ingredient of having started early to be responsible for our financial management.

Here, we should encourage the practice of open discussion and engagement by the couple, to avoid, the unfortunate experience of poor trust between husband and wife, when it comes to money in many homes.

It is not clear that as young couples, especially those from high means, begin their lives and subsequently aim to manage their finances may have a difficult time to negotiate, compromise and have a united approach. 

Conversely, for Couples where both have come from significant economic distress and eventually happen to emerge with economic comfort and bounty may have to learn to negotiate their new found financial comfort and be able to live within their means, while not creating additional stressors with each other about money.

Here again, the deep wisdom of a couple becoming their own economic- reader and compass, becomes important to minimize the undue influence of peers, friends and family whose interests may not necessarily be parallel to those of the couple.

Thus, financial literacy is an important ingredient to strengthening the standing of a young newly wed couple.

This is an excerpt of Dr. Sebastian Ssempijja's two cents on preparing for marriage.

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