Are separate bedrooms bad for a couple?

INTIMATE

Question:

After speaking to my friends, I discovered an interesting trend, where a couple can have separate rooms and visit each other regularly. I am told it spices the marriage while allowing the couple to give each other personal space.

However, when I shared the idea with my husband, he got angry and accused my friends of brainwashing me. Is it such a bad idea? How can I convince him to see things my way?

Nancy

Counselor Aunt Ann responds

Answer:

Dear Nancy,

Allow me to remind you that marriage is a union between man and woman, who agree to come together as husband and wife. This is sanctioned by God to make a home.

Marriage should be honoured and that is why it should not be undertaken carelessly, lightly or selfishly, but reverently, responsibly and after serious thought.

It is on this basis that you should not depend on your neighbours, friends or housemates.

Your discovery of what you call an interesting trend is for those who have failed to fulfil the requirements of a marriage, and have resorted to mechanically live together for some reasons like children, keeping up appearances or some other reasons known to them.

At this point, it is important to be careful with whose advice you act upon, especially in marriage. A person who has failed to keep their marriage together has bad advice for the ones still on track. 

Before you went to your husband, I wish you had consulted people of integrity, who have been married longer than you.

It is not surprising that he calls your suggestion brainwashing by a friend. You may not blame him because it must have come as a shock to hear you suggest it when it is crystal clear that in a healthy marriage couples sleep in one bed.

You need also to know that not all trends are good or healthy. What is wrong remains wrong even if everyone is doing it.

Assuming in the process of separating rooms, an intruder comes in the picture to bridge the gap, what would be your reaction?

There are times when you might have a slight misunderstanding with a spouse, but the moment you are in separate beds this misunderstanding will end up being a mountain out of a molehill.

However, the beauty of one bed is that even in the process of just turning around in your bed, you bodies will end up rubbing each other and this can itself rekindle you again and reconcile. 

This reconciliation is almost impossible or might even take long when in separate rooms.

It is important to also ask yourself what is the original goal for your marriage. This will help you avoid coping and pasting other people's goals which will only kill your marriage.

Giving each other space can be done without separating beds. This can be discussed and agreed upon, which calls for effective communication in your marriage.

Finally, those who may wish to stay in courtship or dating yet want the title of husband and wife, are only making this saying a reality. You can't eat your cake and have it too. You will never be both a fiancée and wife. It is one or the other.

 Do you have a problem on intimacy that you need counsel on? You can send your questions to intimate@newvision.co.ug. You can also send via SMS. Text intimate (leave a space) your problem and then send to 8338 (across all Ugandan networks)