What you say that rubs others the wrong way

SUNDAY VISION

Some people open up their mouths to talk and all they say is something that depresses you forever. Maureen Nakatudde brings you some of the issues that rub people the wrong way.

Spots of bother for women . . .

Weight

Cynthia was having fun at a party until an old friend told her: “You have become fat!” She froze. The rest of the evening was miserable for her. All the time she thought of how unattractive she was.

For some reason, women are always battling with weight. So if you come up to her and say she has become fat, it sounds rude. Mary Kyolaba, a social worker in Kampala, says it is one way of telling someone that they are unattractive.

“In case you want to comment about her appearance, find something good to say to her, instead of commenting on her weight,” Kyolaba says.

Dora Lumbita, a counsellor, agrees: “When you talk about weight, you make someone uncomfortable. And if they are teenagers, they might starve themselves to achieve the ‘socially acceptable’ size, which is not good,” she says. Lumbita says it is always best to comment about how good looking they are and keep the other comments.

“If you want to draw attention to their weight, you can indirectly ask them to join you for a fitness routine without directly commenting about their weight,” she says.

Hair

Hair is a woman’s glory. There are women who have tried their best to grow their hair, but it is still of poor quality. It is not right to comment about their stunted hair because they already know it, anyway.

Or maybe, assuming she spent a whole day in the salon to look good “for you”, she turns up with new braids or a weave and all you do is comment about how ugly she looks!

“You would rather wait until she has undone it to comment about it, so that next time she knows what hairstyle to avoid. Women spend hefty sums of money to look good. So if you have nothing positive to say, just keep quiet,” Kisakye says.

Age

This is for both men and women. Hiding age used to be a woman’s affair. But lately, more men are self-conscious about their age. At a certain point in life, they do not want to be told that they are old and they do everything to change their appearance, including dyeing their grey hair.

They would prefer that you call them young so that they can feel youthful. Likewise, most women are not comfortable when asked about their age.

“The shocked look people get when you tell them you are over 30 is unpleasant,” one woman says.

Marriage and children

“You are so beautiful, but why are you still single? When are you getting married?” These are some of the common questions society asks both men and women.

OK, being beautiful does not mean that a woman has to have a fiancé. There are a whole range of factors. And sometimes, it is about choice. When the right time comes, she will choose the right partner and get married.

By the time you ask why she is not married, remember she has likely been bombarded by insults from relatives and family members.

Yet it is not just singles that suffer the brunt of this question. Married people are always under pressure to have children.

“When are you giving us the good news?” someone will ask when your wife takes long to conceive. Both men and women hate this question. Who knows, the couple might be going through a tough period.

Pregnancy

You are heavily pregnant and someone remarks: “Oh, you are too full already. Are you going to have lunch?” Or something like: “Who did that to you?” It sucks!

Things men hate to hear . . .

Height

A woman might cover up her short height with high heels, but not a man. So if you already know he is short, why throw it in his face?

“If a woman commented on my height, I would know she is despising me,” George Isaac Musoke, a lecturer at Makerere University, says. So whether it is your boss, friend, brother or husband, if you want to stay in peace with them do not mention anything concerning their height.

Performance in bed

Has anyone read the health pages in New Vision lately? Many questions from male readers centre on manhood and sexuality. One way you can send your man to hell, according to Martin Osudo, a businessman, is by commenting about his bad performance in bed.

“Men do not want to be told that they cannot satisfy a woman sexually,” he says. So, they will look for someone who will appreciate them the way they are.

Their “wallet”

Men always want to be on top and come off as having the financial muscle. Tell a man that he is as broke as a church mouse and he will hate you forever.

Talking about your ex

Just like women, men do not like it when their wives heap praises on their past lovers. Men do not want to hear about women’s ex-lovers.

“Even if there is some kind of conversation, I try to ignore it. I consider you as a fresh lover. Why do you have to talk about your past lover? “I admired you because of the way you are, why bring up your past life?” Musoke says.

Nagging

He probably went for a night out with friends and you are mad at him. In actual sense, he might have gone binge drinking with friends, and did not even have another woman with him. In your mind, you are convinced he is cheating on you.

He tries to offer you an explanation, but you go on shouting at the top of your voice. Men hate nagging. If you go on complaining over nothing, he could just as well disappear from home for a week or so.

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EXPERT OPINION

Patrick Mwase, a lecturer and psychologist at Makerere University, says sometimes people do not say things out of the blue.

“Usually, there are issues behind the debate. In most cases, this person knows you very well. Or you have done something to them before that hurt them, and the only way to revenge is pass a comment that they know will rub you the wrong way,” he says.

“Someone wants to check one’s ego because they think it is an easier way to disempower them,” Mwase notes.

He, however, says this in the end affects someone’s self-esteem. “Imagine being told that you are old, yet you are trying your best to look young! It is terrible,” Mwase says.

What should be done?

Mwase says, ideally, people should focus on their strongest points. “If you only receive compliments, you should be worried. You should always be prepared to ignore such remarks. Do not pay much attention to them,” he says.

But some people may mean well, especially if it is something you can change. Still, the manner in which they comment matters. “If a friend calls you aside and says: ‘Please I think you are putting on weight, let us work together and manage the weight’, they mean well. Sometimes you need a little check to keep on track.”

Mwase says respect is important in any relationship. “One should desist from provoking the other, without taking effort to appreciate and understand their likes and dislikes.

“Choose language that shows respect — if you use insensitive language; it is an attack on them,” he says.

More so, if you want to avoid blunders, Mwase advises you not to be specific. Just generalise things so that you can avoid that hostility, argument and confrontation.