Should you hide your marital woes from your children?

By Adonia Waibale

Conflict in marriage is normal. While the couple may be able to handle the turbulence, children end up scarred for life.

Couple fights are common and marriage gets tough often. Some fights may result into broken vows, broken homes and bitter children. Covert or overt conflicts always take their toll on the couple.

Conflict in marriage is normal. In fact, absence of the occasional disagreement is, among other things, a litmus test of sorts that suggests the marriage might be on the rocks.

What couples fight about is surely between them, but the consequences fall on the children — the real victims — who are usually left in the dark and at worst made to choose between mum and dad.
They are inundated with the questions: What did daddy do? Why is mummy crying? What shall become of our family?

When the occasional disagreements, tantrums or emotional outbursts become more frequent, what should the parents tell their children?

Joseph’s experience

“As I grew older, I started to notice behavioural patterns that were not with a married couple. For years, my parents lived under the same roof like strangers. They were hardly ever together in the same room.

They only tolerated each other in the company of guests. Our home was essentially empty.

The only happy moments we had were in the pictures hanging on the wall, but even those were staged to help sell the illusion of a happy home.”

Joseph says it is the small things that gave them away. “The fact that they did not share a bedroom, never shared a meal at the same table as a family. Only one of them took me to school. To this date, I think the only reason I did not attend boarding school is that my mother feared she would be lonely in my absence.

“We barely spent time together as a family, instead they shared me. My mother took me shopping while I played football with my father. Sometimes, I wonder if they had to flip a coin to choose who would take me to school.

“They tried to act normal in my presence, but I still saw right through the façade I had a lot of questions and when I asked why dad would not have supper with us, my mother excused his absence.

“She often said he was working late and when he was at home, she said he was too tired to join us. My dad did the same when I asked why mum would not watch football with us. They had conspired to keep the truth from me. Today, my parents are divorced and I resent them for it,” Joseph says.

At the age of 13, Rosemary walked into the master bedroom and found her mother torn up and teary. “She would not stop crying even after I comforted and handed her a towel to wipe her tears. She would not tell me why she was crying even after a lengthy interrogation. But I was not about to give up, so I told my father I had found mother cocooned beside the bed, holding her legs tightly against her bosom, crying. All he had to say was that she was sad and crying would make her feel better. That was the end of the discussion, but it sparked off my curiosity.

“What would make a grown woman cry? Was it so terrible that she could not tell me about it?” Rosemary wondered.

When she pried more, her parents told her to stop asking about it.

“When I became a teenager, my mother told me things would make more sense when I get married. That is the only answer I got.”

What parents say

Helen Nabatanzi, a mother of three, admits that often disagreements get out of hand and parents hurl potentially traumatising insults at each other in the presence of the children.

“It is never deliberate but that actually does not matter when the damage has been done.”
Nabatanzi says she would not knowingly let their disagreements affect the children, but telling them that they were fighting would be out of the question. “How do I start the conversation? What do I say to them? Children ask an awful lot of questions, how would I respond?”

Henry Semambo, a father of two, says it does not help to inform the children that a couple is having problems. “Children need to be protected; revealing things of this nature puts them at risk. Even though things are not really ok, the children are not privy to the details of the conflict and should feel that everything is ok.”

Semambo says he would only consider telling the children if the marriage was irreconcilable. “And even then, I would wait until they were of considerably mature age.”

Effects of conflict on children

Dr. E. Mark Cummings, a specialist researcher on socio-emotional processes associated with normal development, in his book Marital Conflict and Children, defines marital conflict as a minor or major interparental interaction that involves a difference in opinion.

“Marital conflicts manifest mostly as verbal aggression, defensiveness, non-verbal hostility and marital withdrawal,” Cummings writes.

He says problem marriages increase the likelihood of problem children. Children living with often conflicting parents suffer from anxiety and depression and consequently become socially withdrawn.

The aggression between the parents also creates a vacuum of emotional insecurity which impairs social and intellectual development of the children and instead instils delinquency and vandalism, all of which point toward a diminished academic performance.

“The hostility between parents or general lack of affection towards each other and the children triggers an unusually aggressive behaviour in the child and spews a naïve disregard for authority.”

Cummings writes. Children in conflicted homes view the world in an overly negative and hostile way.

He, however, notes that not all children exposed to conflict develop behavioural problems. The effects ultimately depend greatly on how the conflict is handled. Well resolved conflicts may have relatively benign effects on children.

Expert advice

Experts say parents keep this information because they are afraid to look like failures to their children.

In addition, they keep it a secret because they are unsure of the eventualities. Those who do tell their children that all is not well, often tell them only the gist, leaving the children to fill in the blanks.

Rose Nalwanga, a counsellor at Makerere University, says parents should decide together what is best for their children and consult a counsellor when necessary.

“However, telling the children as opposed to keeping them in the dark is a healthy choice,” Nalwanga says. “How you tell them is key. How detailed the information is should depend on the maturity of the children.”

Nalwanga adds that both parents should be present when breaking the news to the children.

“Parents should explain clearly and convincingly answer the questions that the children might have to the best of their knowledge. They should not make any promises they are not sure of.” Nalwanga cautions.

She adds that often children blame themselves for the strained inter-parental relationship and feel obligated to salvage the marriage. “They will even lie in order to avoid more conflict between their parents to help patch up things.”

Nalwanga says regardless of how bad the situation actually is, the children must be made to understand that both of you will always be there for them, no matter what. “If divorce is unavoidable, the children must understand that the separation was not their fault at all.”

She adds that parents should not assassinate each other’s characters to gain sympathy and endearment from the children. It will only further impair the child’s comprehension of the situation. Parents should not wait for the situation to turn irreversible to tell the children.

“Dumping the news at once might have adverse effects,” Nalwanga advises.