Don't raise little thugs

When a child is born, parents look forward to them growing up and becoming responsible adults. However, some children shock them with behaviour that can only be described as criminal. Harriet Birungi explores what goes wrong

Growing up in a polygamous home, Reynold was a reserved child who spoke only when spoken to. He would sometimes play alone, and while his siblings were running and tearing everything down, he only laughed at a few things. One of his relatives says Reynold took after his grandfather, a reserved man who did not concern himself with other people’s business.

One day, a sibling reached for Reynold’s paper boat and run off. Reynold reached for a knife in the kitchen and threw it at his brother. It landed on his back, damaging one of the discs in his spine. Reynold was six years old then. Now 17, he is a criminal. He has stolen goats from neighbours, matooke from banana plantations, shoes left outside on verandas and mattresses left out to dry.

He has been in and out of jail, and has vowed to kill anyone who gets in the way of his “get-rich- quick” scheme. His father died 10 years ago and his mother keeps bailing him out every time he is arrested. Residents of Nyamitanga, his home area, have had enough of his terror.

Recently, he was beaten to near death as he was suspected to be among the people who steal boda bodas (motorcycles). He was saved by the Police who arrived just in time to calm the rowdy mob and took him into custody. The mother cannot understand where she went wrong.

“When their father died, I took good care of them and provided the best way I could. I did not remarry until all four of my children were teenagers. And I thought they understood that I was lonely and I wanted them to have a father figure in their lives. I wanted them to have a stable home, knowing they knew that their father would never come back. But Reynold’s bad behaviour gives me sleepless nights. I worry that one day I will find his body along the road!”

HOW DOES A CHILD BECOME A CRIMINAL?

Stephen Langa of Family Life Network says most children who turn out to be criminals are the ones that grow up hurting.

“Someone who is hurting will want to hurt others. A person cannot give what they never received,” he argues.

Langa adds that even those who come out of broken homes are emotionally crippled.

He explains that family is a learning ground for all behaviour.

“They can have all they want, but still become thieves because they are hurting. The desire comes as a coping mechanism of something that is locked up inside,” he says.

Langa adds that a child who faced trauma during their upbringing will exhibit negative behaviour. You may not see it as a parent, but seeking counselling is the way to find out where the pain is from.

Joseph Musaalo, a counselling psychologist at Uganda Christian University Mukono, says children become criminals because of parenting issues and some may not have parents, thus no one to guide them. If they end up with poor role models, they may turn into criminals, depending on their personality. So they grow up with poor behaviour, sometimes learnt from outside the home.

Musaalo also says some parents are not mindful of the fact that they are bringing up children for the future of the family and country.
“For example, giving children too much money, without them knowing the responsibility that comes with having money,” he says.

Sometimes, the bad behaviour is as a result of growing up in a single parent home.

“We encourage such children to go to places of worship to be able to identify figures to fill in the gap. But it is also true that not all can do a good job,” Musaalo cautions.

TAMING CHILDREN

To avoid raising a criminal, have a good relationship with your children and be close to them. Some of the situations can be caught early and rectified, argues Langa. However, older children can seek remedies themselves.

“Parents need to go back to the drawing board and ask: ‘How have I guided my children?’ Parents are a child’s first teacher,” Musaalo says.

WHY ACT THAT WAY?

It could be to get your attention, says Langa. “Children can deliberately do bad things to get attention. They know when they are good, you do not bother, but when they are bad, they get attention.”

Langa is also quick to add that others feel justified in what they are doing. “The child thinks: ‘Since such and such happened to me, let me do it to others.’ Such a child does not feel remorse for any wrongdoing.”

Musaalo says children are inquisitive and experimental and may be practicing something they have seen on TV or at school, without thinking about the consequences. For example, if he witnesses a father hurling insults at the mother and beating her, the child will grow up thinking women are of low value; girls grow up with low self-esteem, thus vulnerable to abuse. “Sort your differences away from the children,” Musaalo advises. He adds that one needs to constantly sharpen their parenting skills, especially on disciplinary issues.

“For instance, how do you discipline your child when they steal sh200 to buy sweets? Do you let them be? What if they end up stealing larger amounts, or even pickpocket? Who will you blame?”

Musaalo advises parents to be more observant, for instance, when children bring something that is not theirs at home, ask them who gave it to them or where they got it from.

Make the child your friend, so that their choice of friends will not be bad. The wrong friends will feed them with wrong information.

THE ROLE OF GENES

Children may also become criminals because of predisposing genes passed on at conception.

“This can be due to a number of factors, and they might end up drunkards or thieves as a result of a gene in a fourth or second generation. The more reason you need counselling for yourself and children,” Musaalo says.

He says it could also be that there was violence surrounding the child while still in the womb and they inherit a dose of anger, and this later manifests in their character, for example through irritability.

“As a parent, bond with your child from when it is still in the womb. A child that gets love will give love. Sing to the child, play and let their sibling touch your tummy so that it is born amid love,” he advises.

Absent parenting, taking children to boarding at character formation age, failing to teach them to be assertive and to protect themselves, will impact greatly on who they become.
 

POSSIBLE REMEDIES

Stephen Langa of Family Life Network says children should be disciplined.

“Practice a regime of lots of love and lots of discipline, so they can grow up balanced. Love means you appreciate the good things
How do you do this? Make the child aware of the offence committed. Have clear and fair rules, so they know whenever they cross the boundary. You can do this by talking about it.

“Enforce the rules consistently, without fear or favour. Show you care about how they are doing and faring — children love it.
“You may buy them things, but if you do not care, all the items are useless. Let them know they are important to you,” Langa advises.

He adds that parents should accept their children for who they are and not what they do. “Do not compare them with others as each child is special,” he says

Relationships are the most important thing in life and make for a stable human being. Criminality is one way of coping with bad relationships, cautions Langa.