Fathers must find time for their children

 By Percy Mulamba

As we celebrate Father’s Day this Sunday, we should celebrate the lives and good works done by fathers who have stood by their children through the challenges of life to make a meaningful life for their children.

Many fathers often feel this way- that we don’t have what our children need from us because we never got what we needed from our fathers!

However, fatherhood is not a secret recipe passed down from generation to generation like the formula for making a durable and reliable car.

 You don’t have to have had a great childhood with perfect parents to be a good father to your children. If that was the case, then none of us would be qualified, for all our parents even the best ones failed in some ways.

The key to being a good father to your children emerges in the staggering simplicity of taking care of yourself, being authentic with your children and spending exorbitant amounts of quality time with them.

 Good fathers live balanced lives and know how to take good care of themselves.

Take in mind that if you are not living a balanced life, not making time for yourself, not finding alone time with your spouse, then what you give your children will be an exhausted, frustrated dad who comes home by default and not by deliberation.

As you know from our own experiences, we learn so much by observing our fathers. We mimic and imitate those actions and patterns we see in our parents even if they are unhealthy and dysfunctional.

All the more reason that we must live deliberately and change unhealthy habits that we may have picked from our parents or from our own weaknesses.

Just because our fathers were workaholics who were sometimes in the home but never present does not mean we must follow suit. Many of our fathers did not remember our birthdays and ignored our school success and challenges, but as fathers in this era, we should always have such details on our finger tips as it raises the self-esteem of our children.

 Good fathers reveal their authentic selves to their children.

Our children see the best and worst of us and for most men it is just another frightening fact that justifies guarding our hearts against them. They know when we come home late, they see us walk around the house, our eating habits and interaction with their mothers.

Allow yourself to be real with your kids. Allow them to see you express emotions so important for both sons and daughters.

 Many of the young fathers of today were raised in that generation when most parents did not show affection in front of their children. They thought intimacy was too private so they never revealed their authentic love for their wives before the children. Such children have grown up not seeing love between their parents apart from a few moments when their parents only sit down to settle bills and worrying about tomorrow ! Fathers should have time to dance, joke, fill puzzles and jigsaws with your children.

 Good fathers spend exorbitant amounts of quality time with their children. In this era of hard survival, many fathers have become chronic workacholics, always travelling to make the next deal, typically talking on cellphone and multi-tasking even at the time the family wished to have him.

Fathers should not wait for divorce, separation, loss of job and diseases to compel you to have time with your children. Make them part of your schedules right now. Take them with you on trips when possible, drop and pick them from school, accompany them to their outings to the mall and school events.

You may find yourself doing some things that are not of your choice of leisure activities but your presence there besides your children will be great to them.

By the way, a man who does not spend time with his daughters is setting up her for confusion about men, who they are and how they operate.

A man who does not love his daughter openly and unashamedly creates an insatiable thirst for male love in her that is dangerous. Don’t leave parenting totally to her mother. Having a great mother does not negate the fact that she needs you too!

 Another area that so many men seem to struggle with as they parent is their sense of failing their children and not knowing how to change the course of the relationship.

After divorce, reformed workacholic schedules, one finds time for his children, or after an alcoholic becomes sober, he often discovers that his children no longer trust or even respect him. Some men are then tempted to allow their guilt and shame to outweigh their child's ongoing need for them and their need for their children as well.

To such a father, your child, no matter how much damage may have gone down the drain of your lives over the years, you can rescue the situation. The children may have rebelled, resorted to drug abuse, theft or deception in their attempts to discover themselves and their way to meaningful life.

While their relationship with you will be a factor in their rebellion, don’t assume that you are solely to blame.

The best fathers have prodigal children, who often must experiment with the harsh realities of life before appreciating what they have in their parents and family.

 Happy Father’s Day!

 The writer is a motivation speaker.