When Exs never separate

By Adonia Waibale

Getting over an EX is one of the greatest dilemmas of love; it’s neither easy nor quick. It’s always complicated by the things the two of you have in common, such as friends and hangouts. Even though ending the relationship was the right thing to do, it’s hard to bury all the memories you made together.

The uncertainty entailed often sees Exs reliving a burned out flame trying to fit into old clothes that belong in a charity basket. A curious thing that often has observers weary with questions.

When Donald finally dumped his two-yearlong girlfriend, naturally he was devastated because he actually saw a wife and a mother in her. He is hurting because he cannot stomach the fact that the last two years of his life have been misappropriated. “We had plans, me and that woman,” he always tells me.

As his preferred choice for a best man, I endure several of his drunken phone calls in which he curses in tongues, probably possessed by the spirit of vengeance. I have conspicuously edited his Ex’s number and replaced it with mine. So each time he tries to call her he calls me instead (damage control).

That is my way of keeping them broken up. Devious? I know; see Donald lives by a code. He believes that there is no point in returning to his vomit. But even with this principle, Donald has a habit of staying in touch with his Exs through social media and the occasional call under the guise of a checkup, often drunk.

I have learnt from his breakups that it is never really over until he is dating someone new and even then, I can’t rule out a reunion with one of the blasts from his past.

The relapse
After being single for a couple of months, I thought Donald had moved on. He seemed happier and resolved like a man that had found the perfect bearing. He spoke less of her and appreciated his status more. He had finally started hitting on everything within his grasp and I thought to myself, “Good to have you back lad.”
 

However, all the progress he made went down the drain when he run into his Ex one evening at a bar he frequented. “I didn’t expect to see her,” he swore to me, “I tried to keep the conversation platonic but she was so radiant, her beauty had me questioning my state of mind when I dumped her.” He revealed this and much more when I paid him a surprise visit and caught them recalibrating an old flame.
 

Why they relapse

Am I disappointed? Actually, no. I have seen so many officially broken couples sneak around behind the very judgmental and opinionated glare of the public to simply know for sure whether what they had/ have could climax in fairy tale style. But I have also pitifully watched couples put each other through the same pain over and over trying to make work what has failed in many ways.

If indeed breakups are as dreadful as advertised, then why return to the crime scene? I know that question poses more questions such as; the kind of a relationship couples should have a after breaking up. Should they even remain friends? Can one fall in love while still friends with their Ex? I can tell you this much, it is not easy for Donald to move on. The one night stand with his Ex aggravated the situation and further hampered the transition.
 

The circumstances under which Exs rebound vary. For some men, it’s easier to return to the crash site than actually build a new ship. Hooking up with an Ex is less tedious than actually courting a new woman. Donald reveals that he didn’t have to work very hard to impress her again; they already knew each other so they skipped to dessert.
 

However, it’s a little different when it comes to women; the gullible emotional moulds, the hopeless romantics often take back an Ex convinced that men can actually change. Some have experienced the miracle but a good number are often heard lamenting on the rogue nature of men. Some also return to an Ex after realising that the world has nothing better to offer them.
 

How to move on

First off, this won’t be possible until you actually break up. Let it be clear that it’s over; a relationship postmortem is essential at this point. It will give you the closure necessary to move on. Take them off that pedestal they earned when you were dating.
 

Treat them as random people. Unless you have a child together, there is no other legitimate reason to contact your Ex. You can’t be friends with your Ex and that’s the brutal truth so go cold turkey and turn that page. Many couples rebound, courtesy of their friends, so to move on might also mean to avoid your mutual friends.
 

This will reduce the possibility of hearing about your Ex or even bumping into them. Most importantly, exercise your new found freedom. Do whatever you want, especially things you couldn’t do out of respect for your loved one.