De-stress your marriage

Your spouse is a handy scapegoat for stress-related problems that really have nothing to do with him or her. Still, your partner is often the most available (and least risky) target. It is only a matter of time before your spouse retaliates by directing his or her stress-related anger and frustration right back at you. You can avoid this vicious cycle by taking the following steps:

After a stressful day at work, many people need time alone to relax before they are ready to talk. One spouse has had a horrible day at the office, the other has been stuck at home all day with two sick kids.

 

A 15-minute period of calming down, reading the paper or watching TV, may be necessary before any meaningful conversation can begin. Of course, the less-stressed partner must take over, so that the more stressed one can reconstitute.

Psychologist John Gottman recommends a daily “sanctioned whining session”, where “each person gets to complain about any catastrophes that occurred, while the other is understanding and supportive”.

 

Find out what is upsetting your partner. Now it is time to talk about the details of your day; your successes and your disappointments. If your feelings are out in the open, you will be less likely to vent your frustrations on each other. Talk to your partner about what has been troubling you and encourage your spouse to do the same. 

 

You can help each other by listening attentively and figuring out how you can be supportive. The best way to do this is to ask your partner what he or she needs; not to try to read their mind.

Recognise the different ways that you and your partner deal with stress. Some people keep their stresses hidden — often even from themselves.

 

Other people complain loudly when they are under pressure. It is important to understand the differences in how you and your partner handle stress and not get competitive about whose way is better.

Try not to take it as a personal attack when your spouse is grumpy or preoccupied when under stress; as long as these mood shifts are not too frequent or severe. On the other hand, if he or she seems irritable all the time, you may need to come up with some specific help.

 

It is not supportive just to listen quietly if your partner is always stressed out. Then you are dealing with a chronic condition, not just with a time-limited acute crisis.

 

Ask each other what you need. Husbands and wives require different things from each other when they are stressed. Your partner may want to talk about what is on his mind, or she may want to take a walk or cuddle up in bed. 

 

Other times, your partner may prefer to be left alone. The more direct and specific you are about what you need, the more likely your husband or wife will be able to respond. Men seem to have an especially hard time asking for support. Some people fear that such requests are interpreted as signs of weakness. 

 

It is important to trust your partner enough to say: “I am having a really hard time and I feel overwhelmed. What I need from you is... (state specifically what you actually need).”

A lot of marital stress is caused by relatively small incidents. Assigning blame never helps a marriage. In the end, it really doesn’t matter who is at fault. What is most important is that married partners do not allow the good feelings between them to be destroyed by finger pointing.

 

be flexible

Do not expect perfection from your partner or yourself. Perfectionism almost always ends up creating unnecessary stress because it is impossible to achieve.

 

There is no such thing as the perfect spouse or the perfect parent. It is also self-defeating to expect things to happen without a hitch. 

Find ways to take care of your partner and yourself. Take turns massaging each other. Take a hot bath together. Go out for a special dinner. Buy tickets to a concert you have both wanted to see. Be thoughtful and creative when you select the kind of special care that addresses your situation.

 

Planning some time away from your normal routine can help both of you relax and approach your stressors more productively. You do not have to go on a lengthy or exotic vacation. One night in a hotel in the country or even across town can recharge both your batteries and give you a fresh perspective.

 

Plan a romantic get-away

Set a date and make sure it is open. Check with your partner for a weekend when they are free to make sure there is plenty of time for romance.

 

Think about your partner. You should design your weekend with your partner in mind and think about what they would like and what they do not like.

 

Make the arrangements well ahead of time. 

Get the supplies early. Do you need food or wine? Do you need any special garments or transportation? Do not plan on picking these things up at the destination or the day your weekend starts.

 

Fill in the gaps. Unplanned downtime can kill a romantic weekend. There is nothing wrong with relaxing on the beach if that is your plan, but you do not want to be stuck in a hotel lobby waiting for a room.

 

Make arrangements for your home. When you are leaving for your romantic weekend, make sure to have a house sitter or pet sitter in place. Make sure your other responsibilities are taken care of.