Jealousy can be dangerous
Jun 03, 2010
SOME say that jealousy and love go hand-in-hand like horse and carriage. It is a major component of any relationship. There are few people who can claim to never have been visited by the green monster. Lionel is an openly jealous man and he sees nothing wrong with this.
By Anne Kirya
SOME say that jealousy and love go hand-in-hand like horse and carriage. It is a major component of any relationship. There are few people who can claim to never have been visited by the green monster.
Lionel is an openly jealous man and he sees nothing wrong with this. He is jealous when his wife spends too much time with her friends, whether they are male or female. And when men walk up to her, it is even worse. Before they got married, he was the kind to start fights in bars because a guy had said ‘hi’ to his fiancée.
But is jealousy a noble emotion? Nicholas says that it is natural and if a man is not jealous, then he doesn’t have real feelings for his partner. He states that Islam advises men to be jealous. “It is a form of guarding what you love,†he adds.
But unlike Lionel, not all men are comfortable admitting that they are jealous. Nicholas feels it is better to be open about it.
“Jealousy is very strong, if you let it eat you up, it will come out in a bad way,†he says. He believes that partners should be open and express what makes them feel jealous.
Not all men agree with this. George says that he cannot show a woman that he is jealous. “It will make her feel too importantâ€, he says, “you know how you women areâ€, he adds.
He has a rather diabolical view of women’s intentions. He believes that women are to blame for a man’s jealousy. That is why he cannot admit to feeling jealous. It will be like showing his weakness to a woman; she would then be able to manipulate him time and again.
Linda somewhat agrees with this view but she says that she would provoke a man to be jealous to prove that he really cared for her.
She does not believe a guy cares for a woman if he does not express feelings of insecurity and jealousy. She tells how she sometimes does not answer her boyfriend’s calls, or walks out of the room when taking a call from her mother, just to make him wonder.
This is the very reason George blames women for jealousy in men. “A woman should not take advantage of a man’s fears,†he says. but Linda adds that she usually goes to these lengths when she feels her boyfriend has been unavailable. It is like a test to see if he is still interested in her. She blames men who do not give their women enough attention for such provocation.
But sometimes it cannot be denied that jealousy is unprovoked. Some men are jealous for no reason and it can manifest in the worst way.
According to Shauna Springer, a licensed psychologist, destructive forms of jealousy may stem from low self-esteem and insecurity. This is increased by a threat of losing the object of one’s affection.
Some men resort to spying, following their wives around, physical violence and even murder. Extreme jealousy can lead to the end of the relationship if one’s wife does not feel safe with them. Yes a man can be justified in feeling jealous.
Lionel says that any man would be justified in feeling jealous if he found his wife sitting on some guy’s lap. It would also be understandable if another man were buying your wife private things he says. “How do you explain another man buying your wife underwear?†he asks.
Peter says if another man bought his girlfriend anything, he would not be happy. “I would be jealous and insulted,†he says
Jealousy, whether justified or otherwise should be dealt with because it can have horrible results. Experts advise that the jealous party should begin by building their self-esteem. Both partners should work together to build trust.
What you should do
Gather supportive evidence as stealthily as possible without involving a second party before you decide to table your concern
Be as patient as possible and control your emotions. If you cannot, discuss your concerns early enough before you explode into anger.
Discuss with her actions which make you suspicious and find a way of avoiding them, like hiding her phone, deleting received calls, etc
Check out your information and test it for infallibility.
You can check out her bag, phone, documents as long as you do it openly. Let her know you are checking her property openly. Otherwise you will be a snoop.
Discuss your concerns with her in a context of intimacy. You may be the problem; improve where you think you are inadequate.
If you cannot control your possessiveness, seek professional advice on how to go about it. Jealousy, if exaggerated, can wreck a marriage.
Be a good example. Don’t make her suspicious if you want her to do the same to you.
Never do this
don’t confront your partner about your reason for being jealous, until you have the required evidence. She will deny and without evidence, you will be disarmed
don’t cry or wail in public if anything suspicious comes your way. Handle it like a man.
never react with violence. Might never solve anything
don’t hire people (detectives, bodabodas, friends) to follow your wife or soon the whole town will know about your jealousy. You need to preserve each other’s dignity
don’t rush to react before you establish the truth
Don’t make it your life goal to catch her otherwise everything will appear suspicious and make you run mad.
Don’t take every suspicion as proof. Be calm and investigate quietly
Don’t ‘revenge’ because you are suspicious. Two wrongs never make a right.
Don’t witch-hunt the people involved in her assumed infidelity. It is your problem
SOME say that jealousy and love go hand-in-hand like horse and carriage. It is a major component of any relationship. There are few people who can claim to never have been visited by the green monster.
Lionel is an openly jealous man and he sees nothing wrong with this. He is jealous when his wife spends too much time with her friends, whether they are male or female. And when men walk up to her, it is even worse. Before they got married, he was the kind to start fights in bars because a guy had said ‘hi’ to his fiancée.
But is jealousy a noble emotion? Nicholas says that it is natural and if a man is not jealous, then he doesn’t have real feelings for his partner. He states that Islam advises men to be jealous. “It is a form of guarding what you love,†he adds.
But unlike Lionel, not all men are comfortable admitting that they are jealous. Nicholas feels it is better to be open about it.
“Jealousy is very strong, if you let it eat you up, it will come out in a bad way,†he says. He believes that partners should be open and express what makes them feel jealous.
Not all men agree with this. George says that he cannot show a woman that he is jealous. “It will make her feel too importantâ€, he says, “you know how you women areâ€, he adds.
He has a rather diabolical view of women’s intentions. He believes that women are to blame for a man’s jealousy. That is why he cannot admit to feeling jealous. It will be like showing his weakness to a woman; she would then be able to manipulate him time and again.
Linda somewhat agrees with this view but she says that she would provoke a man to be jealous to prove that he really cared for her.
She does not believe a guy cares for a woman if he does not express feelings of insecurity and jealousy. She tells how she sometimes does not answer her boyfriend’s calls, or walks out of the room when taking a call from her mother, just to make him wonder.
This is the very reason George blames women for jealousy in men. “A woman should not take advantage of a man’s fears,†he says. but Linda adds that she usually goes to these lengths when she feels her boyfriend has been unavailable. It is like a test to see if he is still interested in her. She blames men who do not give their women enough attention for such provocation.
But sometimes it cannot be denied that jealousy is unprovoked. Some men are jealous for no reason and it can manifest in the worst way.
According to Shauna Springer, a licensed psychologist, destructive forms of jealousy may stem from low self-esteem and insecurity. This is increased by a threat of losing the object of one’s affection.
Some men resort to spying, following their wives around, physical violence and even murder. Extreme jealousy can lead to the end of the relationship if one’s wife does not feel safe with them. Yes a man can be justified in feeling jealous.
Lionel says that any man would be justified in feeling jealous if he found his wife sitting on some guy’s lap. It would also be understandable if another man were buying your wife private things he says. “How do you explain another man buying your wife underwear?†he asks.
Peter says if another man bought his girlfriend anything, he would not be happy. “I would be jealous and insulted,†he says
Jealousy, whether justified or otherwise should be dealt with because it can have horrible results. Experts advise that the jealous party should begin by building their self-esteem. Both partners should work together to build trust.
What you should do
Never do this