Comedians stand tall at La Bonita
Mar 27, 2009
Comedy shows are fast becoming a must-attend in the stress-filled days of modern times. That is why M-NET came up with a contest that attracted 40 applicants. The latest African reality show, “Stand Up Uganda†borrows from other successful reality TV
Comedy shows are fast becoming a must-attend in the stress-filled days of modern times. That is why M-NET came up with a contest that attracted 40 applicants. The latest African reality show, “Stand Up Uganda†borrows from other successful reality TV formats, specifically the use of judges, live audiences and viewers’ votes.
Titus Kakembo was at Theatre La Bonita on February 25 when the stiff contest began. Contestants were given two minutes to make the judges laugh for a start. Only 20 succeeded. They were taken for training at Mousa Courts for two weeks by renowned South African comedians, Joe Parker and Al Prodgers as well as the Zambian Stand Up Comedy winner, Bob Nkosha. After the training, judges and the audience met again at Theatre La Bonita and picked the final eight.
Last weekend, the number was trimmed to three. The winner, from Patrick Idringi, Daniel Omara and Kenneth Kimuli (Pablo), will be picked by M-Net channel 101 viewers by SMS. The number to vote your favourite comedian is 100416. The TV audience will decide who takes the $10,000 (about sh20m) top prize. Here are some of their hilarious jokes.
Kenneth Kimuli (Pablo), Radio presenter - Finalist
“The embassy of Kenya in USA is the only one found at the White House. I trust Africans, have you ever heard of a president who attended eight parties in one night on his inauguration day other than President Barak Obama? His name means Black American Rules America all the way from Kenya!†That is why he has such a tall wife who has a grudge with gravity. She is too tall! She can even see tomorrow!
In my childhood, we had a baby sitter who ate all the Cerelac and grew rosy cheeks until her boyfriend began calling her baby. In the same home I had a grandmother who watched me more than television. I remember she was the only vegetarian who ate meat.
We short people have been called all kinds of things: full stop, can’t see you, stand up, vertically challenged, summary, concluded, height defaulter etc. They forget that we are down to earth.
We do not indulge in tedious sports like high jump but play table tennis and brainy chess. We are weather friendly because rain beats us last as we are far from the skies. Being short is even better during this time of the credit crunch; we can shop in the children’s section.
Short men never offer risky professions like electrical installation. We deal with down to earth things like agriculture. When we trip we do not fall because we have a good relationship with gravity.
Daniel Omara of Christian University - Finalist
“If you want to marry an Acholi woman, be ready for physical family fights. If you fell for her avocado shaped boobs or skin texture, which is as smooth as the backside of a newly born baby, remember you have to take the whole package. Because if you dare beat her, expect her to re arrange your face using either a pestle or hammer.
I sympathise with the M-Net camera crew who need more powerful lights to capture my ebony black face. One evening, I was chilling at Nandos, standing against a white wall. A girl walked into me, thinking I was the exit.
Where I stay, in the Namuwongo neighbourhood, I always wonder why men with 22 balls chase a single one in the Premier League. And many others spend hours watching them.
Every wrong thing we did in class, a stick was expected to be cracked on the back. So whenever I saw a girl with big bums, I thought they were swellings from the beating in class. This girl must be the worst at Mathematics in her class, not with that swelling on her bum, I thought to myself.
Patrick Idringi, Engineer, MTN - Finalist
“I am so proud because I come from the West. I mean West, Nile where milk flows on the village paths.
There, we have the cleanest pit latrines. The rain makes sure the loo is spotless clean. We answer to nature’s call in the grass. I remember the last Christmas I spent there. Some people from Kampala promised us fire works. When it was 11:00pm, the MC began counting from five backwards. By the time the hour hand was at mid night there was no explosion. He told us the fireworks system had failed. But we will have it in five minutes. A second trial flopped. The MC simply surrendered and announced that the two-year’s hour had been forwarded.
The economy is galloping. There is population growth and this time, our pot holes are not being left behind. You can imagine there are now pot holes developing within the already existing pot holes?
Herbert Ssegujja, a president museveni impressionist – Dropped out in the round of 8
(Mimicking President Museveni) Let’s have all the presidents of Africa contesting for this Stand Up Comedy and I Museveni being Mukiibi the judge. I don’t think Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe would qualify. Revolutionary Muammar Gadafi, AU president, would be given a chance. He is a celebrity president, a darling for Ugandan media.
Kenyan president Kibaki is likely to win the Stand Up Africa Presidents’ show. If only he treats us to that drama when Lucy Kibaki, the First Lady, punched journalists when they addressed her using the name of his mistress. Given a punch line of him being shoved off the red carpet by the First Lady, during state functions, Kibaki would win the $10,000.
Renowned South African comedian Al Prodgers abandoned his seat in the audience to treat the revellers to his humour. Prodgers was also the workshop facilitator and mentored the contestants
The other day I was amazed with what I saw in Kampala City. There is this Marabou stork which hangs on the trees. And beneath the tree shade I find car washers at work. I hear, if you are lucky, the birds tint your hair free of charge.
Then I met a bodaboda rider who was chewing his gum for more than 24 hours. I wondered weather it was because of the credit crunch or that is the Kampala life style.
One thing Ugandans have failed to do is pronounce my name. In the process of trying some bite their tongues. Now I am flying back to South Africa baptised Mzungu. I don’t know how everybody got to know it.
As I walk in town, boda boda operators call, “Mzungu board mine,†and on the street kids stalk me calling “Mzungu kikumi mpa kikumi†(Mzungu give me sh100). How do Ugandans share their information so fast? I don’t think it is Face Book or email - they are a lot faster.
Kizito Makanga, medical student – Dropped out in round of eight
(After rifling through the pages of a mental Bible and reading Mathew 14)
If the Bible was to be rewritten, Jesus would tell a Muganda: The nose on your face cannot be hidden. Neither do people here light a lamp and put it in their nose. In the same way let your nose bulge, let others see it and praise your Father in heaven for having endowed you with it.
Emanuel Sebakigye, muk student, Dropped out in round of four
At 60 years, my uncle, unlike many Ugandans, stopped cheating on his wife. But I discovered he was either impotent or had reached his ‘menopause’.
Mercilus Opio, industrial fine art student, muk; Dropped out in the round of eight
Before I start, clap for yourselves. Clap for yourselves one more time. Yes the tastes of Ugandans have changed. Comedy is the only thing where you can earn serious money from being very unserious.
When I was born, my mother sent a message to my father, saying “he is out!†He said, “That’s a joke.†From then, I was a joker. The medics say you have smelly feet and running nose yet the feet are the ones supposed to run and the nose to smell.
Titus Kakembo, Journalist – Dropped out in the round of 16
Our M-net presenter speaks so fast. I guess my grandmother would need a bodaboda to be able to listen to what she is saying. It is typical of Ugandans when they come back from abroad.
There was a familar man crossing the road. A taxi missed hitting him very narrowly. A concerned driver took the trouble to ask him “Ssebo, did you come here to die?†The swaggering man answered in Kay’s accent and speed, “No men, I came yester-die (yesterday.)â€
I have this grandmother who loves me to bits. She cannot attend a function without me. I dread accompanying her for weddings because while there, she pats me on the back and consoles me, don’t mind grandson, your wedding will be the next. So when we went for burial recently, it was pay back time for me. I patted her on the shoulder and said: “Don’t mind granny, you’ll be next.â€
Titus Kakembo was at Theatre La Bonita on February 25 when the stiff contest began. Contestants were given two minutes to make the judges laugh for a start. Only 20 succeeded. They were taken for training at Mousa Courts for two weeks by renowned South African comedians, Joe Parker and Al Prodgers as well as the Zambian Stand Up Comedy winner, Bob Nkosha. After the training, judges and the audience met again at Theatre La Bonita and picked the final eight.
Last weekend, the number was trimmed to three. The winner, from Patrick Idringi, Daniel Omara and Kenneth Kimuli (Pablo), will be picked by M-Net channel 101 viewers by SMS. The number to vote your favourite comedian is 100416. The TV audience will decide who takes the $10,000 (about sh20m) top prize. Here are some of their hilarious jokes.
Kenneth Kimuli (Pablo), Radio presenter - Finalist
“The embassy of Kenya in USA is the only one found at the White House. I trust Africans, have you ever heard of a president who attended eight parties in one night on his inauguration day other than President Barak Obama? His name means Black American Rules America all the way from Kenya!†That is why he has such a tall wife who has a grudge with gravity. She is too tall! She can even see tomorrow!
In my childhood, we had a baby sitter who ate all the Cerelac and grew rosy cheeks until her boyfriend began calling her baby. In the same home I had a grandmother who watched me more than television. I remember she was the only vegetarian who ate meat.
We short people have been called all kinds of things: full stop, can’t see you, stand up, vertically challenged, summary, concluded, height defaulter etc. They forget that we are down to earth.
We do not indulge in tedious sports like high jump but play table tennis and brainy chess. We are weather friendly because rain beats us last as we are far from the skies. Being short is even better during this time of the credit crunch; we can shop in the children’s section.
Short men never offer risky professions like electrical installation. We deal with down to earth things like agriculture. When we trip we do not fall because we have a good relationship with gravity.
Daniel Omara of Christian University - Finalist
“If you want to marry an Acholi woman, be ready for physical family fights. If you fell for her avocado shaped boobs or skin texture, which is as smooth as the backside of a newly born baby, remember you have to take the whole package. Because if you dare beat her, expect her to re arrange your face using either a pestle or hammer.
I sympathise with the M-Net camera crew who need more powerful lights to capture my ebony black face. One evening, I was chilling at Nandos, standing against a white wall. A girl walked into me, thinking I was the exit.
Where I stay, in the Namuwongo neighbourhood, I always wonder why men with 22 balls chase a single one in the Premier League. And many others spend hours watching them.
Every wrong thing we did in class, a stick was expected to be cracked on the back. So whenever I saw a girl with big bums, I thought they were swellings from the beating in class. This girl must be the worst at Mathematics in her class, not with that swelling on her bum, I thought to myself.
Patrick Idringi, Engineer, MTN - Finalist
“I am so proud because I come from the West. I mean West, Nile where milk flows on the village paths.
There, we have the cleanest pit latrines. The rain makes sure the loo is spotless clean. We answer to nature’s call in the grass. I remember the last Christmas I spent there. Some people from Kampala promised us fire works. When it was 11:00pm, the MC began counting from five backwards. By the time the hour hand was at mid night there was no explosion. He told us the fireworks system had failed. But we will have it in five minutes. A second trial flopped. The MC simply surrendered and announced that the two-year’s hour had been forwarded.
The economy is galloping. There is population growth and this time, our pot holes are not being left behind. You can imagine there are now pot holes developing within the already existing pot holes?
Herbert Ssegujja, a president museveni impressionist – Dropped out in the round of 8
(Mimicking President Museveni) Let’s have all the presidents of Africa contesting for this Stand Up Comedy and I Museveni being Mukiibi the judge. I don’t think Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe would qualify. Revolutionary Muammar Gadafi, AU president, would be given a chance. He is a celebrity president, a darling for Ugandan media.
Kenyan president Kibaki is likely to win the Stand Up Africa Presidents’ show. If only he treats us to that drama when Lucy Kibaki, the First Lady, punched journalists when they addressed her using the name of his mistress. Given a punch line of him being shoved off the red carpet by the First Lady, during state functions, Kibaki would win the $10,000.
Renowned South African comedian Al Prodgers abandoned his seat in the audience to treat the revellers to his humour. Prodgers was also the workshop facilitator and mentored the contestants
The other day I was amazed with what I saw in Kampala City. There is this Marabou stork which hangs on the trees. And beneath the tree shade I find car washers at work. I hear, if you are lucky, the birds tint your hair free of charge.
Then I met a bodaboda rider who was chewing his gum for more than 24 hours. I wondered weather it was because of the credit crunch or that is the Kampala life style.
One thing Ugandans have failed to do is pronounce my name. In the process of trying some bite their tongues. Now I am flying back to South Africa baptised Mzungu. I don’t know how everybody got to know it.
As I walk in town, boda boda operators call, “Mzungu board mine,†and on the street kids stalk me calling “Mzungu kikumi mpa kikumi†(Mzungu give me sh100). How do Ugandans share their information so fast? I don’t think it is Face Book or email - they are a lot faster.
Kizito Makanga, medical student – Dropped out in round of eight
(After rifling through the pages of a mental Bible and reading Mathew 14)
If the Bible was to be rewritten, Jesus would tell a Muganda: The nose on your face cannot be hidden. Neither do people here light a lamp and put it in their nose. In the same way let your nose bulge, let others see it and praise your Father in heaven for having endowed you with it.
Emanuel Sebakigye, muk student, Dropped out in round of four
At 60 years, my uncle, unlike many Ugandans, stopped cheating on his wife. But I discovered he was either impotent or had reached his ‘menopause’.
Mercilus Opio, industrial fine art student, muk; Dropped out in the round of eight
Before I start, clap for yourselves. Clap for yourselves one more time. Yes the tastes of Ugandans have changed. Comedy is the only thing where you can earn serious money from being very unserious.
When I was born, my mother sent a message to my father, saying “he is out!†He said, “That’s a joke.†From then, I was a joker. The medics say you have smelly feet and running nose yet the feet are the ones supposed to run and the nose to smell.
Titus Kakembo, Journalist – Dropped out in the round of 16
Our M-net presenter speaks so fast. I guess my grandmother would need a bodaboda to be able to listen to what she is saying. It is typical of Ugandans when they come back from abroad.
There was a familar man crossing the road. A taxi missed hitting him very narrowly. A concerned driver took the trouble to ask him “Ssebo, did you come here to die?†The swaggering man answered in Kay’s accent and speed, “No men, I came yester-die (yesterday.)â€
I have this grandmother who loves me to bits. She cannot attend a function without me. I dread accompanying her for weddings because while there, she pats me on the back and consoles me, don’t mind grandson, your wedding will be the next. So when we went for burial recently, it was pay back time for me. I patted her on the shoulder and said: “Don’t mind granny, you’ll be next.â€