Yes, I want my child to get married ... but not to that person!
Dec 04, 2009
THE curtains are closing on 2009 and a number of couples are rushing to tie the knot before 2010.
BY MAUREEN NAKATUDDE
THE curtains are closing on 2009 and a number of couples are rushing to tie the knot before 2010.
The challenge is your folks accepting your choice of a spouse and blessing your marriage.
In the days gone by, it was the parents’ responsibility to look for, vet and approve a spouse for their child. With time, the element of falling in love with a potential partner was introduced into the equation of marriage.
And the younger generation jumped at this opportunity to get their partners, only to seek their approval from the parents.
Times have changed yet again and the young people no longer even seek their parents’ approval. They meet, fall in love and by the time their parents know about the relationship, they are already raising a family.
However, like the African proverb, since men have learnt to shoot without missing, birds have learnt to fly without perching, parents too have changed their tactics to influence their children’s choice of spouses.
New strategies
Direct
Some parents discuss and agree that their children have to marry each other. They then get the children to meet. Such arranged marriages are common in the Indian community in Uganda and some rural people.
The child usually does not object to their parents’ choice because it is deemed final and wise.
These communities argue that parents make objective decisions based on qualities like family history and character as opposed to temporary attributes like beauty.
Indirect
Aisha and Shuaib often found themselves sent on joint errands by their parents.
They backed up this plot with positive comments about one person in the other’s presence.
One thing led to another and they got married. It was during the wedding ceremonies that the parents revealed their trickery.
Cathy Kinosa, an elderly parent, says some parents create situations where the two can meet often enough to develop romantic feelings.
Such occasions include parties or family dinners. She, however, advises parents to ensure the child does not suspect anything or else they may resist.
Magdalene Kayongo, another parent, says she never allowed any of her children to marry a partner she never approved of. The widow, who brought up her seven children almost single-handedly, says she played a role in all her children’s marriages.
“The girl, Tim (third born), had brought was born in the city. I made sure the relationship ended. Isn’t my son happy now with his wife?
Tim, you would have starved to death with that woman!†she tells her son
Pastor Thomas Kibirige says while this is good, it may be abused by some parents.
“They may base on who can pay good bride price. So they do whatever is possible to hook their child even to partners that are clearly incompatible.â€
Kibirige proposes that parents vet the choices through interviews with the prospective child-in-law to find out more about his or her intentions towards their child.
Subconsciously
Parents also influence their children’s choice without knowing it.
Steven Langa, a counsellor at Family Life Network, says the parents’ conduct in their marriage influences the way their children will choose their marriage partners and conduct their relationships.
“If they are abusive, the child may end up being attracted to and tolerating an abusive partner,†he says.
Other parents discuss options with the children creating biases that would influence their final actions.
Langa recommends parental talks with the children about the values of a good partner, but advises that this advice should begin when the child is much younger.
Prof. Anselm Strauss at Indiana University, in his book, Influence of Parent Images upon Marital Choice, emphasises that the kind of individual a child will love or hate, embrace or avoid as an adult is determined largely by the kind of people he learned to love or hate as a child.
“The individual whom one chooses will resemble or be different from one’s parent in just those important physical or personality traits the person liked or disliked in his parents when he was a child.â€
Grace Mukisa, a parent, says he will influence his child’s marriage partner by talking to them, but he will leave the choice in their hands.Â
He will also make sure that he creates a favourable environment to influence the child in making a good choice of a marriage partner.
Fire fighting
There are cases where the parents have done their best, but the child is refusing to concur with their opinion about the partner. Langa advises that parents should not dictate but put it on record that they tried to resist.
“Remember it is not you who is going to live their lives with the person but them,†he says.
Kibirige says you pray about it and God will show you the way. “May be it is you who is making the mistake not the child.â€
Kinosa says the parent’s role should stop at pointing out the reasons why you think the person is not the right choice. “If the reasons are right, they will be seen clearly. You just have to point them out.â€
Culture and religion recommend parental advice on marriage partner. However, parents should be careful not to appear to be domineering and dictating or to take over the role of choosing.
Ultimately, the final decision should lie with the person getting married.
THE curtains are closing on 2009 and a number of couples are rushing to tie the knot before 2010.
The challenge is your folks accepting your choice of a spouse and blessing your marriage.
In the days gone by, it was the parents’ responsibility to look for, vet and approve a spouse for their child. With time, the element of falling in love with a potential partner was introduced into the equation of marriage.
And the younger generation jumped at this opportunity to get their partners, only to seek their approval from the parents.
Times have changed yet again and the young people no longer even seek their parents’ approval. They meet, fall in love and by the time their parents know about the relationship, they are already raising a family.
However, like the African proverb, since men have learnt to shoot without missing, birds have learnt to fly without perching, parents too have changed their tactics to influence their children’s choice of spouses.
New strategies
Direct
Some parents discuss and agree that their children have to marry each other. They then get the children to meet. Such arranged marriages are common in the Indian community in Uganda and some rural people.
The child usually does not object to their parents’ choice because it is deemed final and wise.
These communities argue that parents make objective decisions based on qualities like family history and character as opposed to temporary attributes like beauty.
Indirect
Aisha and Shuaib often found themselves sent on joint errands by their parents.
They backed up this plot with positive comments about one person in the other’s presence.
One thing led to another and they got married. It was during the wedding ceremonies that the parents revealed their trickery.
Cathy Kinosa, an elderly parent, says some parents create situations where the two can meet often enough to develop romantic feelings.
Such occasions include parties or family dinners. She, however, advises parents to ensure the child does not suspect anything or else they may resist.
Magdalene Kayongo, another parent, says she never allowed any of her children to marry a partner she never approved of. The widow, who brought up her seven children almost single-handedly, says she played a role in all her children’s marriages.
“The girl, Tim (third born), had brought was born in the city. I made sure the relationship ended. Isn’t my son happy now with his wife?
Tim, you would have starved to death with that woman!†she tells her son
Pastor Thomas Kibirige says while this is good, it may be abused by some parents.
“They may base on who can pay good bride price. So they do whatever is possible to hook their child even to partners that are clearly incompatible.â€
Kibirige proposes that parents vet the choices through interviews with the prospective child-in-law to find out more about his or her intentions towards their child.
Subconsciously
Parents also influence their children’s choice without knowing it.
Steven Langa, a counsellor at Family Life Network, says the parents’ conduct in their marriage influences the way their children will choose their marriage partners and conduct their relationships.
“If they are abusive, the child may end up being attracted to and tolerating an abusive partner,†he says.
Other parents discuss options with the children creating biases that would influence their final actions.
Langa recommends parental talks with the children about the values of a good partner, but advises that this advice should begin when the child is much younger.
Prof. Anselm Strauss at Indiana University, in his book, Influence of Parent Images upon Marital Choice, emphasises that the kind of individual a child will love or hate, embrace or avoid as an adult is determined largely by the kind of people he learned to love or hate as a child.
“The individual whom one chooses will resemble or be different from one’s parent in just those important physical or personality traits the person liked or disliked in his parents when he was a child.â€
Grace Mukisa, a parent, says he will influence his child’s marriage partner by talking to them, but he will leave the choice in their hands.Â
He will also make sure that he creates a favourable environment to influence the child in making a good choice of a marriage partner.
Fire fighting
There are cases where the parents have done their best, but the child is refusing to concur with their opinion about the partner. Langa advises that parents should not dictate but put it on record that they tried to resist.
“Remember it is not you who is going to live their lives with the person but them,†he says.
Kibirige says you pray about it and God will show you the way. “May be it is you who is making the mistake not the child.â€
Kinosa says the parent’s role should stop at pointing out the reasons why you think the person is not the right choice. “If the reasons are right, they will be seen clearly. You just have to point them out.â€
Culture and religion recommend parental advice on marriage partner. However, parents should be careful not to appear to be domineering and dictating or to take over the role of choosing.
Ultimately, the final decision should lie with the person getting married.